Anonymous wrote:When my wife declines my advances, that by itself isn't at all a problem. Sometimes your not in the mood; sometimes it's inconvenient. But, when she doesn't then initiate herself in a relatively short period of time, the message it sends is that whatever explanation she gave when declining wasn't the real reason; it was an excuse.

That attitude on my part probably isn't entirely fair, but I think it's non uncommon because sex is so intertwined with self-esteem. If the woman who claims to love you best in the world doesn't find you desirable, who will?

Well some people just are less interested in sex than their partners.

Anonymous wrote:When my wife declines my advances, that by itself isn't at all a problem. Sometimes your not in the mood; sometimes it's inconvenient. But, when she doesn't then initiate herself in a relatively short period of time, the message it sends is that whatever explanation she gave when declining wasn't the real reason; it was an excuse.

That attitude on my part probably isn't entirely fair, but I think it's non uncommon because sex is so intertwined with self-esteem. If the woman who claims to love you best in the world doesn't find you desirable, who will?

OP again. This makes sense. Thanks.

When my wife declines my advances, that by itself isn't at all a problem. Sometimes your not in the mood; sometimes it's inconvenient. But, when she doesn't then initiate herself in a relatively short period of time, the message it sends is that whatever explanation she gave when declining wasn't the real reason; it was an excuse.

That attitude on my part probably isn't entirely fair, but I think it's non uncommon because sex is so intertwined with self-esteem. If the woman who claims to love you best in the world doesn't find you desirable, who will?

If you turn him down when he initiates and then do not initiate, you are not interested in having sex with him. How would you feel if you spouse did that to you? At some point, you just feel like a creep trying to initiate sex with some one who clearly is not attracted to you.

This is kind of a generic question for all the threads about low sex or sexless marriages:

What does sex mean to you? We believe sex is a renewal of our wedding vows: free, faithful, fruitful, complete union. We both happen to physically need sex very often, but besides the physical aspect, we simply desire to become one person any time we possibly can, because that kind of intimacy is so awesome.

So that's something I don't understand, but I want to understand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to "want" each other or at least make a show of wanting each other. No one gets dibs or gets saddled with initiating sex. It's not just one party's responsibility.

OP, does he EVER initiate? Why would he say he wants to be the only person "wanted" what about you?

OP here. This is a hard question. He used to initiate it. He said he stopped b/c he is sick of getting turned down. But, it is not as though I'm lying in bed and rolling over on him.. it's just that he was initiating sex at times when our kid was running around the living room or something - or other times where it would just be totally impractical to throw down.

And I tried to designate a day of the week like another poster suggested (Sunday nights), but I got flack for that b/c he said it made him feel like me having sex w/ him was a just another chore of mine to be done. I tried to explain that I wanted to designate a time b/c, w/ my hectic world (I'm a lawyer and my hourse can make life a little crazy), it made sex a priority. But, he still gets pissed if I try to set a day of the week.

I don't know what the hell to do.... I think this is potentially his self esteem issue. I'm trying to figure out if I've contributed to it (probably) and how best to resolve it. Which seems hard to do when my sex drive isn't that fantastic anyway, and the only way it really gets moving is to see him being strong and confident. Dammit.

Him doing this means he's interested. You basically have to table his interest until the kid is in bed. Just tell him when he starts things that you will pick it up later. It's then up to you to go back to him with the intention because in his mind, he already initiated things once today, he shouldn't have to do it again. He wants to know you're still interested. If for some reason you aren't able to follow through on the commitment, let him know that it hasn't slipped your mind but that you will take care of things tomorrow due to x, y, z. This isn't providing an excuse, this is letting him know that you haven't forgotten that he expressed interest earlier in the day.

FWIW, my DH grabs my ass all the time and hugs on me, especially while I'm cooking, I assume because my ass is turned to him. I love it when he does this. The ass grab usually leads to a lengthy hug and kiss. Before you know it, our 4yo wants to get in on the hug action and have a big family hug. Of course it's not a convenient time to throw down but it lets me know he's interested.

Anonymous wrote:You have to "want" each other or at least make a show of wanting each other. No one gets dibs or gets saddled with initiating sex. It's not just one party's responsibility.

OP, does he EVER initiate? Why would he say he wants to be the only person "wanted" what about you?

OP here. This is a hard question. He used to initiate it. He said he stopped b/c he is sick of getting turned down. But, it is not as though I'm lying in bed and rolling over on him.. it's just that he was initiating sex at times when our kid was running around the living room or something - or other times where it would just be totally impractical to throw down.

And I tried to designate a day of the week like another poster suggested (Sunday nights), but I got flack for that b/c he said it made him feel like me having sex w/ him was a just another chore of mine to be done. I tried to explain that I wanted to designate a time b/c, w/ my hectic world (I'm a lawyer and my hourse can make life a little crazy), it made sex a priority. But, he still gets pissed if I try to set a day of the week.

I don't know what the hell to do.... I think this is potentially his self esteem issue. I'm trying to figure out if I've contributed to it (probably) and how best to resolve it. Which seems hard to do when my sex drive isn't that fantastic anyway, and the only way it really gets moving is to see him being strong and confident. Dammit.

You have to "want" each other or at least make a show of wanting each other. No one gets dibs or gets saddled with initiating sex. It's not just one party's responsibility.

OP, does he EVER initiate? Why would he say he wants to be the only person "wanted" what about you?

With us, spouse needs hugs and cuddles to even consider sex, but hugs and cuddles only leads to sex sporadically so sometimes it can be frustrating...

I find reading helps my interest level. Twilight, Hunger Games, Fifty Shades of Grey, etc. My husband loves it when I read, which means he's happy and takes care of the kids so I have time for it. Win-Win.

Maybe trade off initiating and make an explicit agreement that that's what you want to do. Once a spouse initiates, the other spouse has 7 days (or whatever) to initiate. Maybe come up with a "shot down" contingency -- you don't want a spouse to feel obligated to have sex RIGHT NOW just because the other one tried to initiate; but you want to have something in place to ease the pain of rejection when that happens.

Maybe the rejecting spouse has to initiate (or give oral sex or whatever) within 48 hours?

Just some ideas. For me, as the high libido spouse, I don't actually mind going a little longer without sex as long as I know it's somewhere on my spouse's radar as something she wants to do. Where I get pissed off is where she says "not now, later." And "later" NEVER HAPPENS. My ego gets really small, really quick when I try to initiate a couple of times in a row; I get stiff armed; and she just kind of "forgets" about sex.

Thing is, he's not initiating because he doesn't want to get shot down. You're not initiating because you think it won't turn you on. I agree with the PP, just do a little hugging and kissing and see where that takes you. I used to be the same way but just hugging my husband always leads to kissing and before you know it...

I like to use the excuse of needing my back cracked to get a really good hug. Also gives me an excuse to rub my breasts up against him. What man doesn't like that?

Why don't you just kiss and cuddle and see what develops?

decide on a night you will have sex, every week. then, no one is the pursuer/pursued. For us, its thursdays. We putthe kids to bed, tidy up, have a glass of wine, and spend some down time together before getting busy. Spontaneity is great when you have a life that allows it. But with little kids and two f/t jobs, we can't just throw our clothes off and sheer exhaustion will always win out over spontaneity.

I love my husband. I find him attractive. We've been married for 8 years and have a toddler. We both work a lot. I don't have a very high sex drive at this stage in my life, but while my sex drive isn't particularly high, as soon as he shows me some sign of wanting me, I'm turned on. When we have sex, it is good, but we don't have sex enough - we are down to something like once every three weeks. I know he wants to have sex more - def once per week. I feel like a shitty wife for us not having sex enough. The problem is that I feel like I have to be the one to instigate it or we don't have it. I feel like I can't get turned on when I'm the instigator. He feels like he wants me to be the one to want him - not the other way around. And I get where he is coming from, but I'm still having a hard time to always be the one to make the move. And then, it becomes a vicious cycle of there being too much pressure to have sex, me getting resentful, him feeling not wanted. When we don't have enough sex, or relationship all around isn't as good and I really want our relationship to be strong.

Has anyone been through this and do you have any tips for improving a tortured sex life?