I'm sorry, OP, sounds like you still have some grieving to do, so it's good your are being self-reflective. And I'm sorry your thread is being sockpuppeted by some crazy lady.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm really confused OP. You sound like you would rather look after yourself and own interests than be with your kids? Please clarify that.

The OP said:

Outside of being with my children, I would like to travel, read books, improve my tennis game, and see what ways the world could use some of my energy and skills.

How does that sound like he'd rather look after himself? I took it as him saying that of course he wants to spend time with his children, but beyond that, he wants to do other things. What's wrong with that?

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. I'm sorry, OP. Best wishes.

Sorry. I am not sure how I misread that but you are right. I was going to fast and thought he met he would rather do those things than be with them.

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a complete drip. You are a middle aged man with middle school aged children who has left his family and filed for divorce, and you say you want to "travel, read books and improve your tennis game!" You sound like a 20 year old, not an adult!

Your children will be forever changed by your decision to destroy their family, but your lofty hopes/dreams for your life without them includes reading and tennis?!?!? Wow.

I sincerely hope that your ex-wife meets a real man. I can only imagine what an eye-opening, life changing experience that might be for her after having wasted years on a loser like you!!

I would hope no one here would take advice from a man who threw his family away so that he could read, play tennis and engage in whatever pseudo-profound plans you may have for your "energy and skills".

Guess what, when you wake up tomorrow, you will still be what you are today: a middle aged guy who hasn't achieved enough in life to really be satisfied. Your ex-wife wasn't the cause of this, your kids weren't the cause, being a family man wasn't the cause - you were the cause. And now you are stuck with yourself. Alone with yourself. Who are you going to blame for your uninspired life now?

and you just won asshole of the year award. Who dumped your bitter ass?

Op, sounds like you have some real reservations about your wife's parenting style. I hope you guys can work out a custody arrangement that you will both be comfortable with.

Anonymous wrote:I'm really confused OP. You sound like you would rather look after yourself and own interests than be with your kids? Please clarify that.

The OP said:

Outside of being with my children, I would like to travel, read books, improve my tennis game, and see what ways the world could use some of my energy and skills.

How does that sound like he'd rather look after himself? I took it as him saying that of course he wants to spend time with his children, but beyond that, he wants to do other things. What's wrong with that?

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh. I'm sorry, OP. Best wishes.

I'm really confused OP. You sound like you would rather look after yourself and own interests than be with your kids? Please clarify that.

Otherwise, your avoidance of women won't be hard. No one wants a deadbeat dad.

If I misunderstood, I feel bad for you, but doesn't sound like you are taking much responsibility at all. You sound like a victim. Even if your marriage didn't work out, you need to figure out what YOU did. It is the only way to move on. It is empowering to figure out you have the power to be a good person, a person of integrity, etc. Instead you just blame your wife for why your marriage fell apart. Of course she had something to do with it, 50%, but so did you.

And saying you married the wrong person is a cop out, you need to figure out why you settled and what you ignored. That's very "I'm a victim."

Man, some PP's are so harsh on this thread. Way to try to kick someone when he is down.

OP, I will offer my condolences and I think you are doing the mature thing by self reflecting right now and not pursuing the dating scene. You are still a dad, so focusing on helping your children through this and giving them as much love and support might be a good direction to go into. My parents were divorced, so here's some advice from the child's perspective:

1) Never say anything bad about your ex-wife in front of the kids. Treat her with respect and dignity. If you have a disagreement, handle it privately and don't get the kids in the middle. Remember, she is still their mother and treating her badly will only reflect badly on you.

2) Make as much time for your kids as possible. Do NOT (especially now in the early stage) cancel plans with your kids. They need to know they are still the most important people in your life.

3) Be involved in anything your children do. Go to Back to School Night. Meet your child's teachers. Go to parent/teacher conferences. Make sure the school knows the situation and you want to get as much info. as your wife does. You can check with the office to make sure they have your address, email, contact phone numbers. I think they can even send both you and your wife official reports such as report cards so you both are on the same page. If you kids play sports, take them to some practices, see their games, get to know the coach and other parents. Kids will feel the love when you make the extra effort to be as big of a part of their lives as possible.

4) Remember, kids (especially teenagers who are going through a traumatic time) say things they don't really mean. If you hear words such as "I don't love you" it will hurt but keep working on maintaining a solid relationship with them.

5) Communicate often with your ex about the kids. Both of you need to look out for signs that they are having difficulties - falling grades, loss of interest in things that are usually important, dangerous behavior (drinking, smoking, sex). It might be helpful for them to go to counseling to talk to someone about what they are going through. The middle school counselor may be a good resource for you to start with.

Good luck. I wish you and your children the best.

OP - so sorry! And thank you for the advice about listening. Sometimes that's the hardest thing in a marriage.

And good luck finding yourself again - losing your identity as a married person and getting out a relationship which may have drained your strength can be very liberating and scary.

Op I am sorry to hear it. I am divorced and I thank God every day that I am free of that marriage. I hope you get to the point where you find this was best for you too. AND your kids. I truly believe children should be raised with two parents when possible, but they should NOT be raised in a marriage between two people who don't love each other, or worse yet, end up openly hostile. Your kids will be OK. Read the Sandcastles book on divorce.

You are selfish, your whole post screams "I" you gave that up when you got married and now you want it back. You will never have the same relationship with your kids. how are you going to feel when your wife's new husband is putting them to bed, listening to them cry over losing thier first boyfriend or girlfriend or going on vacation and replacing you as you look at art and play tennis.

People who divorce and use the excuse of "we are different now "are quiters. Try putting the effort you put into your tennis game into your marriage and you will be a bit better off.

If I were your kid and heard you say I want to improve my tennis game I would never talk to you again.

yes my post is harsh but I don't sugar coat things.

OP you will get through this. Yes it's hard and you had kids together so you and your ex will have to maintain a relationship because of the kids. Hopefully, you will have conversations with your children about why things didn't work out, I think that's important. I hope you are still able to love and support them while working on yourself.

When I divorced, I remember feeling like such a failure, because the commitment that I had made and at one time cherished so much had vanished. I took some time to work on me and surrounded myself with my family and friends who supported my idea. There were friends that took sides and eventually I dropped off my radar, but life goes on and you will be happy again. It was easier for me because although we were together for 7 years we were not able to conceive any children probably the biggest blessing out of the relationship for me.

Today, I've remarried and am happy again with a loving husband and 2 wonderful boys.

Good luck.

You sound like a complete drip. You are a middle aged man with middle school aged children who has left his family and filed for divorce, and you say you want to "travel, read books and improve your tennis game!" You sound like a 20 year old, not an adult!

Your children will be forever changed by your decision to destroy their family, but your lofty hopes/dreams for your life without them includes reading and tennis?!?!? Wow.

I sincerely hope that your ex-wife meets a real man. I can only imagine what an eye-opening, life changing experience that might be for her after having wasted years on a loser like you!!

I would hope no one here would take advice from a man who threw his family away so that he could read, play tennis and engage in whatever pseudo-profound plans you may have for your "energy and skills".

Guess what, when you wake up tomorrow, you will still be what you are today: a middle aged guy who hasn't achieved enough in life to really be satisfied. Your ex-wife wasn't the cause of this, your kids weren't the cause, being a family man wasn't the cause - you were the cause. And now you are stuck with yourself. Alone with yourself. Who are you going to blame for your uninspired life now?

I am so sorry, OP. You sound like a very reflective and thoughtful man. I can imagine it is a rough time. My DH and I are having a marriage problems now for 5 years and are trying to work through it. Your advice is heard and will be remembered. Thanks. Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry, OP. I'm sure this is a tough day and it really, really sucks for your children. I'm just going to say it...a few of your statements cry out "mid-life crisis" to me. Example: "see what ways the world could use some of my energy and skill."

I hope you made the right choice. Best of luck.

Suppose nobody feels great on this day but I just filed to end the marriage between myself and my wife. We dated for four years and were married for eleven. Two kids, both in middle school. We tried therapy, both individual and marriage but it did not save us. In the end, we just wanted different things in life - I travel for work and am ambitious - she wanted a 1950's husband. I am very interested in politics and the arts - she avoids these subjects. I try to be a firm but loving parent, she disciplines like a prison guard.

I am going through a million emotions but the thing that really gets me is the memories of when we first met and got married - days where there were so many hopes and dreams that now will not fully get resolved. I can still remember the first time I ever kissed her as if it was yesterday. I also worry about my children and how this will affect them. The look on their faces when they found out I was leaving is something I will remember to my dying days.

One thing I definitely do not want to do is even think about dating for a very long time if ever. Instead of trying to morph into what women are looking for in men, time out - I need to figure out and be what I want. Outside of being with my children, I would like to travel, read books, improve my tennis game, and see what ways the world could use some of my energy and skills.

Marriage advice from a divorcing man might sound stupid to listen to, but what I would recommend is never miss the opportunity to use your ears to hear what a spouse is telling you in terms of their needs/wants. It is too easy in this world of ours to let work, cleaning the hoise, and everything else get in the way of good communications.