Anonymous
08/26/2012 12:06
Subject: Re:Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, OP. Your husband is misinforming his family and they are acting on the information he gives them. Yet you are directing 100% of your anger and annoyance at his family and holding him blameless. If you have a problem with this situation, hold him accountable. Tell him that if he doesn't want to deal with his family, he needs to stop using you as a scapegoat. Period.
OP here. I agree completely. In the past we had arguments about this and I had anger to go around about this situation. Now though I finally understand where he is coming from and he is not dealing with rational people. There's a long history of dysfunction and taking advantage of my DH, but then making him the "Golden child" for saying "yes." We tried couples therapy and it wasn't helpful because there are too many layers here. He is still dealing with trauma (long story there-more emotional abuse with 1 episode of physical) from his upbringing, but he wants a relationship with these people.
Basically, they don't unleash the amount of fury and insults on him if I am the bad guy. They just unleash about what a bitch I am, he defends me and we see them once or twice a year and that's that. It's highly stressful for me seeing them knowing I am satan in their eyes, but I am relieved not to deal with them often and I am even more relieved we can protect our kids from getting sucked into the cray cray. I finally realized I might as well appreciate the freedom from them I get most of the year and accept the fact that I cannot force him to deal with his family more directly. We all have our stuff and he's a good guy so I need to focus on that.
That all said, was curious to see if other people's spouses do the same thing.
I can understand why you allow this to happen, but you're enabling his dysfunctional relationship with his abusive parents.
Anonymous
08/26/2012 11:59
Subject: Re:Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, OP. Your husband is misinforming his family and they are acting on the information he gives them. Yet you are directing 100% of your anger and annoyance at his family and holding him blameless. If you have a problem with this situation, hold him accountable. Tell him that if he doesn't want to deal with his family, he needs to stop using you as a scapegoat. Period.
OP here. I agree completely. In the past we had arguments about this and I had anger to go around about this situation. Now though I finally understand where he is coming from and he is not dealing with rational people. There's a long history of dysfunction and taking advantage of my DH, but then making him the "Golden child" for saying "yes." We tried couples therapy and it wasn't helpful because there are too many layers here. He is still dealing with trauma (long story there-more emotional abuse with 1 episode of physical) from his upbringing, but he wants a relationship with these people.
Basically, they don't unleash the amount of fury and insults on him if I am the bad guy. They just unleash about what a bitch I am, he defends me and we see them once or twice a year and that's that. It's highly stressful for me seeing them knowing I am satan in their eyes
That all said, was curious to see if other people's spouses do the same thing.
This sounds like a very dysfunctional situation between you and your husband. Sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into rationalizing it. But he seems just as dysfunctional as anyone else in his family.
Anonymous
08/26/2012 11:17
Subject: Re:Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing, OP. Your husband is misinforming his family and they are acting on the information he gives them. Yet you are directing 100% of your anger and annoyance at his family and holding him blameless. If you have a problem with this situation, hold him accountable. Tell him that if he doesn't want to deal with his family, he needs to stop using you as a scapegoat. Period.
OP here. I agree completely. In the past we had arguments about this and I had anger to go around about this situation. Now though I finally understand where he is coming from and he is not dealing with rational people. There's a long history of dysfunction and taking advantage of my DH, but then making him the "Golden child" for saying "yes." We tried couples therapy and it wasn't helpful because there are too many layers here. He is still dealing with trauma (long story there-more emotional abuse with 1 episode of physical) from his upbringing, but he wants a relationship with these people.
Basically, they don't unleash the amount of fury and insults on him if I am the bad guy. They just unleash about what a bitch I am, he defends me and we see them once or twice a year and that's that. It's highly stressful for me seeing them knowing I am satan in their eyes
, but I am relieved not to deal with them often and I am even more relieved we can protect our kids from getting sucked into the cray cray. I finally realized I might as well appreciate the freedom from them I get most of the year and accept the fact that I cannot force him to deal with his family more directly. We all have our stuff and he's a good guy so I need to focus on that.
That all said, was curious to see if other people's spouses do the same thing.
Anonymous
08/26/2012 07:01
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Does he hide behind your kids too?
Anonymous
08/26/2012 05:46
Subject: Re:Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Here's the thing, OP. Your husband is misinforming his family and they are acting on the information he gives them. Yet you are directing 100% of your anger and annoyance at his family and holding him blameless. If you have a problem with this situation, hold him accountable. Tell him that if he doesn't want to deal with his family, he needs to stop using you as a scapegoat. Period.
Anonymous
08/25/2012 23:02
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
I bet some stepmothers get this even worse than DILs/SILs. My SMIL is no saint, but it seems like DH and his sisters see her as "evil" and their father as blameless and angelic. Anything he did over the years that dissapointed them was attributed to the stepmom. (SMIL and FIL did not meet until after FIL's divorce.)
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:48
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Anonymous wrote:I wonder if mine does this to save their feelings. It's easier to hate the person who married your family member than it is to accept the relationship with your own flesh and blood isn't what you thought it was?
Yes, it's easier but it's not fair to the wife and it's not fair to his family. Nobody is given the chance to have a real relationship with anyone.
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:35
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
I wonder if mine does this to save their feelings. It's easier to hate the person who married your family member than it is to accept the relationship with your own flesh and blood isn't what you thought it was?
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:26
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
My brother does this. I see right through it and it hurts.
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:22
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Yep. It's easier to make the wife the bad guy. Oh sorry I really want to get together, but wifey doesn't want to.
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:22
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
If they thought he was perfect, in what way did they not treat him well? Doesnt make sense.
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:09
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Huh?
Anonymous
08/25/2012 22:06
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
You sound crazy.
Anonymous
08/25/2012 21:25
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
Explain, how does he do this?
Anonymous
08/25/2012 19:51
Subject: Does your spouse use you as an excuse not to deal with his family?
If it means I don't have to deal with my in-laws much it's a compromise I'm willing to make. It's just interesting to me that they never once though their perfect son/brother cannot deal with them. It's also interesting to me that they comment on how healthy and happy he looks, yet it doesn't occur to them one thing that contributes to his happiness is the fact I treat him well (something he had not experienced before).