If you feel like cleaning up, doing laundry etc is "kissing her ass" or "helping out" rather than something that you need to do then wake up now and kick your ass in gear. The attitude alone of doing parenting and home upkeep is helping or something that you need to be asked to do kills the sexual attraction and just builds a combination of resentment and regret in your partner.

Yes, you may not have meant it this way, OP, but the "kiss her ass" comment made me wonder about this issue too. (Again perhaps you meant that having to handle *all* housework, plan a perfect date night, say everything right, etc. etc. - which I understand could be a little tedious just to get some nookie.) But if pulling your own weight at home is somehow tantamount to "kissing her ass" - well, you've just got your answer there to why you aren't getting any. Seriously, no. 1 libido killer = having to ask DH to do one of "his" chores that obviously needs doing.

My advice is to buy good sex toys for her (expensive ones like lelo or jimmyjane) and clean the house. Seriously. Not to be blunt but if she isn't interested in having sex with you it means that she isn't enjoying it and does not find you sexually attractive. She may still love you, find you physically atrractive but the sexual attraction is gone and having sex with you is one more chore or thing she needs to do. The reality is that most women end up doing more on the second shift with the kids, house upkeep, cooking on top of working that men do. This is soul sucking and exhausting. If you feel like cleaning up, doing laundry etc is "kissing her ass" or "helping out" rather than something that you need to do then wake up now and kick your ass in gear. The attitude alone of doing parenting and home upkeep is helping or something that you need to be asked to do kills the sexual attraction and just builds a combination of resentment and regret in your partner. Step up and be an equal partner. She'll be less exhausted and respect you more.

Second, its hard to get back in the groove after not enjoying sex for so long. The good toys, especially if she never used them before, work pretty fast. It makes it different. Warning another blunt comment coming on..it seems, at least among the women that I talk to, that men fall into routines in doing the same thing in bed fr years. The problem with this is that if you do this and you do anything remotely annoying (most people do their partners just don't say anything), this will become the focus of the whole experience for her because it happens every single time. The toys can break up the routine.

Dude, it's way too early to start listening to the cautionary tales. Get to counselling RIGHT NOW. I get the sense from you that you are a guy who likes to "fix things". I may be wrong but that's my instinct. It is crucial to the state of your marriage that you don't try to fix this alone but you go to counselling NOW. Don't pressure but insist on counselling and work at this. Basically, letting it drop and letting the resentment build for the next 5 years is not a solution.

So PP did you ask your DH if he was getting sex elsewhere, if he was content to just feel no emotional connection to you? Is he just a passive person generally?

Hmm.... I am probably a cautionary tale here.... I am a DW, and I confronted my DH about our lack of sex years ago (I was initiating 100%, and waiting for him to initiate, but couldn't take it after a few weeks at a time and would initiate at least once a month, although I wanted every day). My DH explained his years of never initiating sex as having no emotional connection to me. I am now at a point where over the course of years he has initiated maybe once.......So my point is go to counseling early/now because your problem, like mine, will likely only get worse over time if left unaddressed......

I totally agree with 10:28.

My DH and I improved our sexual frequency when he came to me and said he needed sex more often. I was thinking the same thing. We both needed to make sex a priority to make it happen.

It may sound lame to schedule a "date" night, but it at least is a start to get it on the calendar. The more you connect on a regular basis physically, the more spontaneous and frequently the sex becomes. You just need a starting point and improve things from there. If necessary, start out with one "date" night per week and add more with time till your needs are fulfilled on a regular basis.

Our rules for "date" night, we do it no matter what. As previous poster stated, my DH and I may not initially be "feeling it" but once foreplay starts, we begin to get in the mood. The schedule makes us commit to having sex as a priority.

For us, date nights are alone time with each other however we can get it. Sometimes we hire a sitter to go to dinner and a movie. If we can't get a sitter or want to stay home, we have dinner together after the kids go to bed. Sitting together and talking without interruptions helps us to re-connect. Sometimes date night is us turning off the TV early and going to our bedroom for sex before we fall asleep.

Trying new things together and dropping the vanilla sex has also helped for both of us to look forward date night. We both give each other "homework" assignments and try to fulfill each other fantasies to spice things up and keep it fun.

Just curious-- does your date night always involve babysitting (dinner out, etc.)? Or is it more a date for sex? or something in between (DVD?)

DW here. You are not alone with the "I have to kiss her ass for an unspecified amount of time" feeling. DH told me he felt that way too, when sex was becoming less frequent post baby. While I didn't appreciate the phrasing (he said, just like you, "kissing your ass"), I understood the frustration he was feeling.

So, we scheduled a regular date night every week. Sometimes it's just a quickie and sometimes it's awesome, and sometimes we go for other nights, too. But we always keep our "date" with each other. It proves to him he is a priority to me and that sex is something worth making time for.

I also sympathize with your wife. It's hard to explain to guys, but women have different hormones at different times of their life and even at different times of the month. It can be a challenge to feel sexy and to feel like initiating something. But usually, once a woman gets started, she can rise to the occasion So, if I were you, I would discuss having a date night and really focusing on your physical love the way she focuses on exercise/hobbies.

And, because I know it'll matter to her: When you bring it up, make it sound romantic, like: "I love how you find time for your other passions (gardening, exercise, etc) and I want to be one of your passions again. You are the one great passion of my life -- please make time for me once a week!"

If that doesn't do the trick (and she's have to be seriously anti-sex for it not to!), I agree that counseling is a good next step.

Thanks. But, hopefully there is a way to successfully talk about this stuff. First of all, I don't want to "be in the right." I'd rather just get to a place where we have our same happy marriage plus more sex where she is an enthusiastic participant. Second of all, be mindful that you're just getting my side of things. I'm trying to paint a more or less fair picture, but objectivity is tough in the best of situations. Even tougher when a guy like me is writing from a place of hurt on a sensitive issue.

OP, I'm a wife in the same boat as you are. The very fact that I keep track of the last time we had sex is a problem for my DH. Yet, his response when I bring up the topic generally (and I initiate 100% of the time because I have a higher drive) is that it hasn't been "that long." Our kids are even older than yours.

Here's how I am handling, after years of "discussing" and going to marriage counselling that did not result in him initiating or greater sexual frequency: I initiate more thoughtfully ( at 9:30 pm, rather than at 11 pm, when he's tired) and I masturbate much more. When we were dealing with this issue originally, I thought I could appeal to his masculinity and get him to "snap out of it" by basically threatening self service. I know as a wife my ego couldn't handle it if our roles were reversed. My DH is relieved that I chose that route, takes the pressure off of him (!). I don't understand it, but I have come to accept it. We've been together 20 years.

So, not to be discouraging, but if our spouses don't want it, they don't want it. I find supplementing with solo activities makes the times we are together more enjoyable. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:I'm willing to do whatever she wants to make her feel sexy and not mom-like. But, I have to admit that on some level I get distrustful when she says I should do x, y, and/or z without expectations of sex in order to get her to feel sexy. What I hear on that level is "kiss my ass for an unspecified period of time, and I will consider showing you affection in a way that indicates I regard you as desirable, lovable, and something other than a source of financing & participant in my child raising endeavors."

+1 brother. And I'll add to that: I'm already doing a hell of a lot around the house. I cook 3/4 of meals, I clean the bathrooms and kitchen. I get the kids ready for school in the morning. I run them to all their weekend errands/play dates, etc. And still I'm made to feel like it's not "enough."

Anyway, I gave up on the sex thing. I want it, but I have my dignity too. I'm tired of being taken for granted, and I will not beg.

No, really there isn't. One side or the other always will feel like they are getting blamed. Last time YOU were blamed by way of the "if only" list (If only you would help out more around the house.. If only you would stop bitching so much about money) and you got it right, the "if only" list is more about excuses and not reasons. So you stepped up and things got better for a bit since her excuses were no longer valid.

Now that your sex life is slipping again to the point where you can keep track - BTW NEVER mention that you are unless she brings it up - she has a different list of excuses. That you are keeping count, that she only says yes when you finally push the issue because she doesn't feel free to decline. To me that sounds more like a pity !@#$ than a healthy relationship. Plus she has all this energy to do other things but no longer has energy for you, no wonder you are resentful.

I'm willing to do whatever she wants to make her feel sexy and not mom-like. But, I have to admit that on some level I get distrustful when she says I should do x, y, and/or z without expectations of sex in order to get her to feel sexy. What I hear on that level is "kiss my ass for an unspecified period of time, and I will consider showing you affection in a way that indicates I regard you as desirable, lovable, and something other than a source of financing & participant in my child raising endeavors."

I think counseling would help. Seriously, this is a really sensitive topic. And you are right, this is so, so common, but sadly, divorce is common too. You are right to be expressing your feelings, my husband didn't, let his resentment build up to the point where we are considering divorce and he claims he is not sexually attracted to me at all. Which sucks, because I'm attractive. And so is he. We just let things get too far.

Look, sex is going to have to a be compromise in most long term relationships. Those first few years you both probably wanted all the time so it wasn't an issue. As things settle in, there may be a higher desire and lower desire partner, and that may shift over different phases. I think the thing is to have a happy medium. One thing that may help is planned time away, even just for a night. Start planning some special date nights and know that it will end with sex, etc.

I think men like to be the ones not initiating all the time, and I think women like nonsexual affection through the week, and to feel desired and sexy. Especialy when we become moms, it can be really tough. So much of your life you are a mom you stop feeling as desirable. I'm in great shape, I take care of myself and dress nice, have nice lingerie, etc., but sometimes I feel like a mom.

I have what seems to be a fairly common situation. After two kids, the frequency of our sex life dropped quite a bit. For a long time, it didn't bother me overly much - the stresses of early childhood kill the libido. Not a big problem. Then, when those stresses decreased but our sex life didn't increase again, I didn't say anything and would let the resentment build. We'd have our once-a-month sex, and the resentment would subside for awhile. Rinse. Repeat.

Then, this year, after one stretch where we went two months without sex, I brought it up. Kids are 6 and 8, I felt like I'd been patient for long enough. That made her sad, but things picked up. During the talk, she mentioned things I did that didn't help - sometimes, in her perception, I didn't help enough around the house; I stressed her about spending money. Things were busy. Etc. But, like I said things picked up. I stepped up my helpfulness. I resolved not to bitch about money. But, even so. Here we are again - sex twice this month. Maybe things will bounce back. But, maybe we're just back to me being silent and us not having sex. So, I brought it up again. Now she's sad that I'm getting weird about sex again. Says maybe the problem is that I'm keeping count. That's scarier to me than her having a list of reasons (even though, I guess, turns out those "reasons" may have been more along the lines of excuses.) Now the real issue isn't the lack of sex but my noticing it. Now she says by me mentioning it, she'll be too stressed out about sex because she won't feel free to decline when she's not in the mood. Which is absolutely not what I want. To paraphrase Cheap Trick, I want her to want me when you get down to it. The reason I have been keeping track of frequency is because I know that, if I didn't have some numbers to back me up and then expressed dissatisfaction with frequency, she'd just refuse to believe that our frequency was low. (Incidentally, when I asked her how much she thought would be a good number, she said once a week. Which wouldn't be that awful to me - I'm thinking more like twice per week - if it really was 1x/week that she made time for it and got into it. But, if the stars don't align perfectly, seems like we're really talking about once every two - three weeks. Assuming no negative relationship issues - in which case we'll probably drop to month-six week range.)

It's gotten to where I get my hackles up about her discretionary activities - exercising, gardening, going above and beyond for the kids - not because I mind her doing these things (I think they are excellent activities) but because I get jealous that she can't be bothered to put that much effort into our sex life. And what's especially frustrating is that, other than the sex, we have an excellent marriage; get along well, see eye-to-eye on most things, great kids, no serious money troubles.

So, I guess what I'm wondering, is there any way to have a discussion about sexual dissatisfaction that is productive and not coercive to the other spouse? Do these discussions ever work?