Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe, in theory, the thought that he would be attracted to someone else and acted on it doesn't upset you. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be hurt if it actually plays out. Think about it - if you found out that he's been lying and hiding things from you (which goes hand in hand with cheating unless it's an agreed-upon open relationship), spending time and money and energy on someone else - would you really be that okay with it?

I thought my husband wasn't the type and would never cheat, and at one point I thought I wouldn't mind if he went looking for sex elsewhere. But when I found out he had actually done it, and how, and for how long, I was horrified at his duplicity, the degree of dishonesty and hypocrisy, as well as the time and mental energy he was putting into it. It wasn't so much the fact that he had acted on his attraction to someone else but the deception, lies, and shenanigans that he came up with in order to do it.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Are you still together?

In my case DH didn't get physical with her but I too was shocked and hurt when I found out how far he had let a friendship go with a coworker. He was falling for her pretty hard after a while, and keeping secrets from me about how much time they spent together, what they talked about, and how they each talked about problems in their marriage without talking to their spouses. It sucked. I was growing concerned, but he got a new job so I blew it off. I found out about 6 months later they were still in daily communication and had gotten together a few times for lunches etc., that he had lied about once he knew I was sensitive to it.

That's what hurts, the lying and the secrecy, and then finding out he was comparing her to me and concluding they had more in common, she understood him more, they had a stronger connection.

As far as you know, are they still communicating with each other? He is way overboard.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe, in theory, the thought that he would be attracted to someone else and acted on it doesn't upset you. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be hurt if it actually plays out. Think about it - if you found out that he's been lying and hiding things from you (which goes hand in hand with cheating unless it's an agreed-upon open relationship), spending time and money and energy on someone else - would you really be that okay with it?

I thought my husband wasn't the type and would never cheat, and at one point I thought I wouldn't mind if he went looking for sex elsewhere. But when I found out he had actually done it, and how, and for how long, I was horrified at his duplicity, the degree of dishonesty and hypocrisy, as well as the time and mental energy he was putting into it. It wasn't so much the fact that he had acted on his attraction to someone else but the deception, lies, and shenanigans that he came up with in order to do it.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Are you still together?

In my case DH didn't get physical with her but I too was shocked and hurt when I found out how far he had let a friendship go with a coworker. He was falling for her pretty hard after a while, and keeping secrets from me about how much time they spent together, what they talked about, and how they each talked about problems in their marriage without talking to their spouses. It sucked. I was growing concerned, but he got a new job so I blew it off. I found out about 6 months later they were still in daily communication and had gotten together a few times for lunches etc., that he had lied about once he knew I was sensitive to it.

That's what hurts, the lying and the secrecy, and then finding out he was comparing her to me and concluding they had more in common, she understood him more, they had a stronger connection.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IS it a problem though? I really have no ill feelings...I'm just not possessive. Maybe I just put less emphasis on monogamy. I'd be crushed if he LEFT me for someone.

If you seriously have no ill feelings, tell your DH how you feel. If you don't have an emphasis on monogamy, maybe he doesn't either and you both would be happy with an open marriage.

DW and I play outside the marriage but set up mutually agreeable rules. First it has to be discreet so we don't throw it in each other's face and nobody we know finds out. Then no kissing is allowed, condoms only, and no anal. Also, we must tell each other when we are going to meet another person. Finally, if we even think for a second that we are developing feelings for that person, they are never to be seen again.

Why do we do this? We love each other but do not believe in monogamy. We have no plans to end the marriage nor fall in love with someone else. But we both have a need to experience someone else once in a while so why lie about it? Why do something and feel guilty? My wife wants to once in a while be with another man. I have no desire to watch them or participate. I would rather have this than find out she screwed around on a business trip. The bottom line is, we are honest with each other which is better than a lot of monogamous couples can say.

Maybe, in theory, the thought that he would be attracted to someone else and acted on it doesn't upset you. But that doesn't mean you wouldn't be hurt if it actually plays out. Think about it - if you found out that he's been lying and hiding things from you (which goes hand in hand with cheating unless it's an agreed-upon open relationship), spending time and money and energy on someone else - would you really be that okay with it?

I thought my husband wasn't the type and would never cheat, and at one point I thought I wouldn't mind if he went looking for sex elsewhere. But when I found out he had actually done it, and how, and for how long, I was horrified at his duplicity, the degree of dishonesty and hypocrisy, as well as the time and mental energy he was putting into it. It wasn't so much the fact that he had acted on his attraction to someone else but the deception, lies, and shenanigans that he came up with in order to do it.

Anonymous wrote:IS it a problem though? I really have no ill feelings...I'm just not possessive. Maybe I just put less emphasis on monogamy. I'd be crushed if he LEFT me for someone.

If you seriously have no ill feelings, tell your DH how you feel. If you don't have an emphasis on monogamy, maybe he doesn't either and you both would be happy with an open marriage.

You'd be pissed off if you H did what my ex-H did to me. He cheated with dozens of people. He lied and tried to live some sort of double life.

He betrayed me by talking intimately to this women. He promised them things. He told them secrets. He bought them things with our shared money.

Ugh. Thank god it's over.

I promise you, you would be upset if you really thought about cheating. There's a lot of emotional intimacy that goes into physical cheating. He doesn't have to leave you for someone else to completely betray you.

IS it a problem though? I really have no ill feelings...I'm just not possessive. Maybe I just put less emphasis on monogamy. I'd be crushed if he LEFT me for someone.

Anonymous wrote:No! I wouldn't tell him that. It'd hurt his feelings. I love him and we have an active sex life and no real issues.

Don't know...I sometimes think about that, but don't think I'd ever follow through with it.

Umm, I knew I guy who thought his wife felt about him as you do your DH. He also told me he wouldn't care if his wife had an affair. She would then stop bugging him for sex. She was good looking but he just was not turned on by her anymore.

My point, you should talk with your DH. You have a serious issue in your marriage. He might be on the same page as you or he might not know what's going on. Either way, act grown up and deal with it. Marriage takes two people and there is no point to it if you guys can't solve your problems together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No! I wouldn't tell him that. It'd hurt his feelings. I love him and we have an active sex life and no real issues.

Don't know...I sometimes think about that, but don't think I'd ever follow through with it.

Which means you really want this.

Not necessarily. There are lots of things that are fun to think about (in theory) but I would never actually want to do.

double post

Anonymous wrote:No! I wouldn't tell him that. It'd hurt his feelings. I love him and we have an active sex life and no real issues.

Don't know...I sometimes think about that, but don't think I'd ever follow through with it.

Which means you really want this.

No! I wouldn't tell him that. It'd hurt his feelings. I love him and we have an active sex life and no real issues.

Don't know...I sometimes think about that, but don't think I'd ever follow through with it.

And would you wnat to know or would you want a "Don't ask, don't tell" policy

Have you told DH?

Would you want him to be open to you cheating?

I just wouldn't be. I don't know if I'm just open (I have really become a lot more open as I age) or becoming indifferent. I'm just not sure what this means.