Ah, yes. You discovered The Mommy Myth.

OP - how old is your baby? I tell my new mom friends that the first couple of months can be really weird/hard because new babies are just little animals, working on instinct and not really showing any appreciation. You've turned your life upside down for them and sacrificed your body and they are just not grateful. They take and take and take and never give back. But then.... at around 8 weeks, that kid suddenly smiles at you and it isn't gas and then you realize he/she actually LIKES you. That's the point when it got easier for me.

Also, let go of any expectations you have. Motherhood is wonderful in the bigger picture, but the day-to-day picture can include a lot of scutwork and drudgework. Especially if you've always wanted to be a mom, it's easy to build it up in your head, and then the reality doesn't really compare to the fantasy. it's kind of like business travel. It can seem glamourous from the outside, but when you're doing a lot of it, it's not that glamourous and it's tiring and you never really feel settled and you miss out on stuff you could be doing.

It's ok not to like breast-feeding, and it's ok if it doesn't work out. Your baby can be well-fed and very bonded to you regardless. And cloth diapers are a pain; disposables are a necessary short-term evil, and that's ok.

hang in there. it does get better, though the sleep deprivation thing will continue to rear its ugly head at various times. (teething, night terrors, potty training, etc.)

I am still in the thick of it (9.5 months) but I can totally relate. I am a worrier by nature, as well as too concerned about milestones, etc. No health problems (knock on wood) though he came 3 weeks early by scheduled c-section for placenta previa so my anxiety was increased from the very beginning.

I love my son and think he's awesome but I haven't yet had the "motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me" feelings. The first few months I had a lot of "what the hell have I done, we had such a great life before." That has faded considerably as we've settled into this new life.

FWIW, my husband does think DS is the best thing that ever happened to him. He is constantly randomly stating "I love that kid!" He is incredibly involved and helpful but I think the upheaval in mom's life with breastfeeding, likely being responsible 24/7 for the first few months if not longer, etc is particularly tough.

Hang in there. As everyone says, as the kid gets more interactive and less needy, it gets a ton easier.

OP, you mentioned feeling like everything has been taken away from you. I think parenting hits some people harder than others because we each have different coping mechanisms going into it, some of which are compatible with infants, some of which aren't. For example, a lot of people can comfort themselves by ordering a pizza, getting it delivered, sitting on the couch and watching a marathon of re-runs on the TV. This is all pretty compatible with caring for an infant (at least, maybe if you keep the volume low). However, this was NOT my method of coping with life - I dealt with things by either tackling some big creative project or drinking with friends at a bar. Once that baby came, not only did I realize that it was crazy hard, but as a double whammy I couldn't do the things that I was used to doing to make myself feel better. That pesky baby kept interrupting my big all day projects, and people kept asking for his ID at the bar.

It took me a long long time before I finally accepted that I was making things harder for myself. I discovered that being pregnant with the second and chasing a toddler around was still not compatible with elaborate dinner parties from scratch and polishing off a bottle of wine. Go figure. I went to therapy in order to cope, and started trying to accept that lying on the couch and watching TV was all I could do at this period of my life. Anyway I'm reading between the lines a little bit in your post, but "adjustment" issues, as you put it, can be a HUGE factor, and you're not alone, but they do make things way harder for people like you and me.

Anonymous wrote:I know a million others have said the same thing, but just have to vent. I knew being a mom would be hard, but it's way harder than I ever expected.

It's not so much that I haven't slept since DC was born, that BFing sucks and never worked right, that I barely have time for anything... I feel like everything has been taken away from me. I know coming to grips with reality vs. ideal is part of the game, but I just feel like nothing has worked out. DC has had some medical issues, and I can't stop worrying about every little thing. That makes me feel like I can't even enjoy him. Others have this "my baby is wonderful" experience, and I just can't stop feeling there is something wrong with my DC. It feels like the ideal of a perfect child even for a short time had been taken away from me.

I wanted to BF - didn't work. I wanted to use cloth diapers - haven't more than a few times from exhaustion from other things. I feel guilty whenever I'm not paying attention to DC but sometimes really don't want to interact anymore.

You will probably say I am suffering from PPD, but I thought so and am seeing a therapist who says it's just "adjustment" issues. Not sure therapy is really helpful to me but don't want to stop. I find it bard to complain about issues when they aren't immediate, and I always put on a happy face for someone new, so therapy isn't that helpful to me.

It would probably be helpful to say these words to your therapist, if you haven't already. If s/he is any good, you can spend some time focusing on those issues and get the maximum out of your hard work in therapy.

I'm also sorry to hear of your DC's medical issues, that can make things really challenging. Parenthood is a HUGE adjustment. What's been helpful to me so far (just 8 months in, so I'm hardly an expert) is to try my hardest not to have expectations. It's not easy, and something I worked hard in my own therapy on before my daughter was born. But really, I don't know what parenting will be like--other than to expect it to be challenging--and I'll drive myself crazy trying to imagine. Your child is the biggest variable in the equation, and so you while you can do plenty to prepare, you have little to no control over who your little person is. Hang in there.

Sorry to hear that your little one has some medical issues. One of mine does too, and I also can worry about him to no end.

I think the little secret of parenthood that no one tells you is that sometimes it really, really sucks! People are afraid that if they're honest about it, they'll be labeled as whiners or incompetent parents. But think about it- you are now responsible for a tiny human being who is 100% dependent on you for EVERYTHING. And if something is wrong, they can't even communicate in ways that we as adults can translate or easily understand. They can't reason or understand that you're getting their meal ready and to calm down. Parenthood isn't fun and games 100% of the time- a lot of times it's sleep-deprived, cleaning up poop and vomit, whining and tantrums, screaming, etc. A lot of times it's simply no fun. Sometimes I don't like my kids, though I always love them. Things often don't turn out the way we hoped or planned for. I'm not afraid to say being a parent can really suck sometimes!!

BUT...know that on the other side, a lot of fun and good times await you. Hang in there, OP, and take good care of yourself.

i hope you don't mind me saying this -- and no i'm not going to diagnose PPD! -- but it sounds like you might be aiming for perfection and/or want to do what "everyone" says you should do? breastfeeding, cloth diapers, you're probably aiming to make your own food? formula works great, disposable diapers are fine, i made some food, but ended up buying 80% (there are lots of good options out there.) i did the babywhisperer schedule/routine and started to get more sleep. once i "gave up," it all started getting easier. now my baby is 17 months and he's awesome -- but those first months were hard. i wish i had let it be, instead of trying to make everything "just so."
take care.

OP - perfectly normal. cut yourself a break and allow yourself to be flexible (i.e. formula vs BF, disposable diapers vs cloth). you are not alone. is there any way you can have family come over to give you a break now and then? can you alternate nights with DH? it sounds like you need some breaks to rest and recharge.

Anonymous wrote:It gets way, way better. I could have written your post. Honestly. I thought parenthood was this cruel thing other parents convinced us to do just so we would be in their same predicament. But, as opposed to PP, I'm enjoying the toddler part (2+). There were plenty of good times before that, but before he hit 1, I was very unhappy and then felt guilty for feeling that way. When they drop that first nap, your world opens up a lot too.

Couldn't agree with this more, and also agree that toddler/preschooler years have been great so far with our kids (yes some of the terrible twos behavior is frustrating, but in between out bursts we're good). But I can completely identify with the minor medical issues / feeling like the 'perfect baby' period was stolen from you. But if you hang in there it really does get better.

For me a big part of what made it better was my kids actually developing into real people versus the sort of amorphous newborn. So with #1 0-6 months was on and off brutal, 6-12 months was way better but still hard, and then we got her sleeping better and 12-18 months was amazing - old enough to interact with me and the world, too young to have her own opinions / fight me, just great.

And then your kids get old enough to say "I love you", and talk to you, and play games with you. And the whole parenting gig becomes a LOT more fun.

I know it's hard to believe this part will ever pass, especially with your first kid, but this is one of those times you just have to have faith we're all right and that it does get better.

It gets way, way better. I could have written your post. Honestly. I thought parenthood was this cruel thing other parents convinced us to do just so we would be in their same predicament. But, as opposed to PP, I'm enjoying the toddler part (2+). There were plenty of good times before that, but before he hit 1, I was very unhappy and then felt guilty for feeling that way. When they drop that first nap, your world opens up a lot too.

Dear OP: I had the exact same feeling until the baby was 4 months.

I was part of the 'exclusively breastfeed, cloth diapers, etc, etc' club, and when the baby was born I had a shock: problems happen, it's not always easy. Taking care of a young baby is exhausting, and that leaves little free space in your brain to just relax and fully enjoy the experience, and even makes small issues look HUGE.

For me sleep deprivation was very hard to handle. I felt miserable. Suddenly, when the baby turned 4 months and started waking up only once every night everything changed.

Next time I'll just remove the minor stress factors (trying to clean the whole house instead of sleeping, inviting friends and relatives over and cook for them, etc) and enjoy all I can.

Hang in there, it only gets better!!

Oh dude. So much of the first few years suck so bad. I thought I would have an easy, non-medicated vaginal birth because that is what my mom did. Nope. Emergency c-section. Thought I would breastfeed exclusively. Nope. Turns out I am medically unable to produce breast milk. Thought I would lose the baby weight with breast feeding. Nope. And pregnancy spun my body into hypothyroidism which took me 7 years to figure out. Yup. Awesome. And then you add in all the rest of it. If it isn't one thing, it's another. For me, I would say 3 months through 18 months were smooth sailing. We got our routine down and we did well. Once we hit 18 months, the terrible twos started. I'm so lucky. Mine is advanced. From 18 months to about 3.5 were horrible. Toddlerhood and preschool years are the WORST part of childhood for me so far as a mother. Once we pushed through to the other side of the 3s for us, motherhood became a joy. And we had smoothing sailing until the onset of the tween years. Navigating those now, but they are nothing compared to the horror of the 2s and 3s.

You are normal. Take a deep breathe. Half the mom's are the "this is the best, most fulfilling experience" and the oter half isn't. It is hard. It is 24/7 for a while. You will do a good job. One day at a time. It WILL get MUCH easier as time passes. It will actually be fun in a few months. Do The best you can everyday. Some days you'll do great and other days you'll mess thing up. Your little guy will be a happy kid who knows his mom loves him.

Bard = hard

I know a million others have said the same thing, but just have to vent. I knew being a mom would be hard, but it's way harder than I ever expected.

It's not so much that I haven't slept since DC was born, that BFing sucks and never worked right, that I barely have time for anything... I feel like everything has been taken away from me. I know coming to grips with reality vs. ideal is part of the game, but I just feel like nothing has worked out. DC has had some medical issues, and I can't stop worrying about every little thing. That makes me feel like I can't even enjoy him. Others have this "my baby is wonderful" experience, and I just can't stop feeling there is something wrong with my DC. It feels like the ideal of a perfect child even for a short time had been taken away from me.

I wanted to BF - didn't work. I wanted to use cloth diapers - haven't more than a few times from exhaustion from other things. I feel guilty whenever I'm not paying attention to DC but sometimes really don't want to interact anymore.

You will probably say I am suffering from PPD, but I thought so and am seeing a therapist who says it's just "adjustment" issues. Not sure therapy is really helpful to me but don't want to stop. I find it bard to complain about issues when they aren't immediate, and I always put on a happy face for someone new, so therapy isn't that helpful to me.