OP here,
A quick update - DH has an appointment at a therapist who specializes in trauma and EDMR (sp?). He asked if I would go with him.

I am so sad that he had these bad experiences but I can't allow them to impact the kids any more than they have. I am hopeful that treatment can help although I understand that it is a long road. I so hope that he will follow through. Thanks for the support everyone and pls keep the good wishes coming.

11:09, did you work with someone local?

At times there seems to be some concern about the disassociation but at other times there is a lot of anger and defensiveness. Often the protectiveness that you'd expect just isn't there, maybe it was never learned but it's a safety issue for sure. Was there a way that you talked about it that got past the defensiveness?

Therapist suggested Courtois & Associates for disassociation. I left a msg.

Sorry I don't have specific recs, but I would think that any decent therapist would be able to point you toward other local therapists specializing in trauma and PTSD. Or perhaps you could post looking specifically for trauma and PTSD specialist recs.

OP here, thanks. PP can you recommend a specific doctor by any chance? This seems out of many people's practice. Traditional talk therapy seems to have made things worse.

My mom has PTSD related to childhood abuse. She was treated with a combination of traditional talk therapy and a heavy drug cocktail, and the combination was really devastating. She went from a person with issues to psychosis in the course of her treatment, and it took her years to recover from that treatment. Having seen that, if I had to choose a treatment for PTSD, I would try EMDR or some kind of cognitive behavioral therapy. The thing that has been most helpful for my mom, is to lead a MUCH lower stress life style (took early retirement, cut off many family members) and anxiety meds as needed.

In terms of your child, there may be both nurture and nature at work. You child may be mimicking, but he/she may also (like day) be more susceptible to stress than most people. In my family, in addition to several people with PTSD, we also have people with addition issues, anxiety, one family member has broken heart syndrome, and we all have high blood pressure and other physical manifestations of stress (even though we are generally a thin, active, healthy bunch). Your child may need some proactive help to deal with stress, beyond any specific issues with dad.

Psychiatrist, now.

I lived with this in my spouse for almost a year before he started treatment, and it took another year to find the right combination of drugs and dosage. It was the dissociation-- realizing that he couldn't be alone with the kids because of the possibility he would lose awareness-- that finally convinced him that he couldn't "handle it" on his own.

There is nothing I can say to you on a message board that will help, because your spouse needs serious, ongoing medical care. Go ahead and think of it like some serious chronic physical illness. You will be dealing with it forever. Your spouse will be under a doctor's care forever. It's manageable, but will never be "right".

can you say a little more about the behavior? it sounds to me like he needs a psychiatrist. any way you can convince him to get evaluated? how does he do at work?

It has been clear that something is wrong for a while, some of the symptoms seemed like depression, others like ADD. The bigger picture may be PTSD. Has anyone else faced this? What did you do and how did you shield the kids? The PTSD is from childhood experiences, not the military. There is a lot of disassociation. My therapist does not know much about it but suggested I do some reading. The not linking up of thoughts, feelings, behavior, makes more sense now. Heartbreakingly, what were thought to be some developmental problems of one child may be imitating the behavior. I thought I've seen similar posts but am having trouble with searching. Thanks, could really use some ideas and support.