Anonymous wrote:I'm married to the man I had an affair with 20 years ago. He was married, I was not - no kids involved. He approached me, I turned him down repeatedly, he eventually left his wife. We didn't start anything until after he was separated (but not divorced).

We have been married for 16 years and have two kids. They know he was married before, but that's all they know.

I don't foresee us ever getting divorced.

If he was separated when you started things, then this does not qualify as an affair. Sorry! But glad to hear it's worked out for you both!

I'm married to the man I had an affair with 20 years ago. He was married, I was not - no kids involved. He approached me, I turned him down repeatedly, he eventually left his wife. We didn't start anything until after he was separated (but not divorced).

We have been married for 16 years and have two kids. They know he was married before, but that's all they know.

I don't foresee us ever getting divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when we were adults, so perhaps that makes a difference, but it was pretty easy to figure out. That being said, my mother told us what my father did while my father and my now stepmother make it sound like they just knew one another as friends for a long time and got together once both were separated. Funny thing is they didn't cover their tracks very well (that's how I confirmed who was telling the truth, although neither parent knows I know and how), although my stepsiblings still vehemently deny the "rumors" of the affair. I have yet to have the heart to break it to them!

How did you find out?

They didn't cover their tracks very well. They both talk fondly about a grand vacation they took together. DH and I had been to the same place and my dad mentioned going there before we did, which would have been while he was still married to my mom. I thought he may have been there more than once, perhaps for work or while on a trip with his buddies. The conversation about how many times he had been there didn't happen until my father and stepmother had been married for a couple of years. I'll admit it was a loaded question on my part, sparked by seeing a souvenier in their house, and I was hoping they weren't smart enough to put two and two together, mostly because I wanted to know if the cheating rumors were true. Clearly neither thought to cover their tracks, as they both noted they had only been there the one time, which means they were there while my dad was still married to my mom. DH is aware of the truth (we both thought this was the case, so it came as no surprise; I don't think my stepmother was the first, either), but I have never told my mother, my sibling or my stepsiblings. It's all I can do not to choke every time my stepsiblings bring up the cheating allegations and defend their mom!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a child of one, the answer is yes. But my stepbrother, who is MUCH younger, did not know until very recently.

So what was the story here?

I was old (adult) at the time so I knew. Stepbrother was 2 or 3 at the time and did not find out until my kids (close in age to stepbrother) told him.

Anonymous wrote:As a child who's father left my mother when I was 3, I did not know about his affair with my stepmother till I was 21. My mother only told me then because I asked her why she divorced my dad.

I think my mom took the high road and wanted me to have as close as a relationship with my dad as possible. That was why she waited till I was an adult and she only told me when I asked.

What did she tell you about why he left when you were younger? If you have older siblings, did they know the truth earlier? Do you have step-siblings? Do they know?

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when we were adults, so perhaps that makes a difference, but it was pretty easy to figure out. That being said, my mother told us what my father did while my father and my now stepmother make it sound like they just knew one another as friends for a long time and got together once both were separated. Funny thing is they didn't cover their tracks very well (that's how I confirmed who was telling the truth, although neither parent knows I know and how), although my stepsiblings still vehemently deny the "rumors" of the affair. I have yet to have the heart to break it to them!

yup- this happened to my dad too- only it wasn't hard for my siblings and i to deal with because it was actually his 3rd wife he ended up with while this happened (and she was the one still married, he was officially divorced/ living separate) and my mom was 1st wife so we weren't emotionally involved...............but our step-siblings have to deal with it now and how they view their mom and all that jazz. and the youngest is in mid-20s, but they are still kind of effected by it.

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when we were adults, so perhaps that makes a difference, but it was pretty easy to figure out. That being said, my mother told us what my father did while my father and my now stepmother make it sound like they just knew one another as friends for a long time and got together once both were separated. Funny thing is they didn't cover their tracks very well (that's how I confirmed who was telling the truth, although neither parent knows I know and how), although my stepsiblings still vehemently deny the "rumors" of the affair. I have yet to have the heart to break it to them!

How did you find out?

As a child who's father left my mother when I was 3, I did not know about his affair with my stepmother till I was 21. My mother only told me then because I asked her why she divorced my dad.

I think my mom took the high road and wanted me to have as close as a relationship with my dad as possible. That was why she waited till I was an adult and she only told me when I asked.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My own curiousity here. If you had an affair, and divorced your current spouse to be with your affair partner, do your kids you have with ex spouse know about the affair? What about kids you have with affair partner (assuming they are older)? If so, how is your relationship with them?

Something like 98% of those relationships don't even last.

This. 3% of affair partners get married, and 75% of those marriages end.

So for every 200 people having an affair, 6 will marry, and after a few years only about 1.5 will still be married.

My parents divorced when we were adults, so perhaps that makes a difference, but it was pretty easy to figure out. That being said, my mother told us what my father did while my father and my now stepmother make it sound like they just knew one another as friends for a long time and got together once both were separated. Funny thing is they didn't cover their tracks very well (that's how I confirmed who was telling the truth, although neither parent knows I know and how), although my stepsiblings still vehemently deny the "rumors" of the affair. I have yet to have the heart to break it to them!

Anonymous wrote:My own curiousity here. If you had an affair, and divorced your current spouse to be with your affair partner, do your kids you have with ex spouse know about the affair? What about kids you have with affair partner (assuming they are older)? If so, how is your relationship with them?

Something like 98% of those relationships don't even last.

Anonymous wrote:As a child of one, the answer is yes. But my stepbrother, who is MUCH younger, did not know until very recently.

So what was the story here?

My best friend found out as a teenager that her dad had been married before and her mom was the "other woman." The dad didn't have any kids from the first marriage.

My friend found out while looking at old photos with her grandmother. She came across a picture of her dad and some strange woman, who her grandma identified as her dad's first wife. Then grandma got flustered and explained the whole thing.

As a child of one, the answer is yes. But my stepbrother, who is MUCH younger, did not know until very recently.

My own curiousity here. If you had an affair, and divorced your current spouse to be with your affair partner, do your kids you have with ex spouse know about the affair? What about kids you have with affair partner (assuming they are older)? If so, how is your relationship with them?