OP here. You guys are great. This advice has actually been very helpful to read.

I think my DH is very anxious and a perfectionist over-achiever. He is VERY hard on himself because he procrastinates and then stresses and then succeeds and this cycle is HORRIBLE to witness. Each time he thinks he will show everyone what a slacker/idiot he is. But each time he pulls it off because he is brilliant. It's a bit like a Don Draper job. My DH is the idea guy and his salary is not for his busy process work but for his big ideas. it is hard to schedule and predict big ideas. So he goes through stages of anxiety about all of that

He is a very generous loving person most of the time. He hates being crippled by this anxiety. He is generally kind to me even when stressed but INTERNALIZES it so much that i fear he will be like my dad and just flip out one day and clutch his heart and have to run to the ER

We are fine financially. But my DH is super conservative about money. We lived well within our means. He does not think I need to bring in an extra salary unless I want to. I make very little money but love my work. But you are all right that an extra salary may help.

BUT, I don't think his stress is so much about being a provider. It is more about mid-life crisis stuff plus personality stuff. He is feeling the "this is what I amount to?" kind of anxiety. He is feeling like a lazy failure. SO MUCH self-loathing. So, the external factors are less important than the internal dialogue. People think he is great at his job and he always gets raises. He is the one who is so self-critical.

Someone said i am selfish because i have such a big social life. Maybe I am. But I need to build up my life outside of him because there are whole weeks when he is in this anxious little hole. And he won't let me in. I can't be hanging on his moods all the time.

He self-medicates by drinking, too. But is never violent or anything. He is an incredibly KIND sweet person and even in his depths of despair he is rarely at all mean (just absent or distant). He is a gentle and sweet guy with our son and daughter.

I worry that if he got a new job he would just take his stress and anxiety with him. But maybe he needs a job that is less "big ideas over a long period" and more short-term deadlines...Who knows.

Sorry OP, but I think even if it pays less, a new job might be in order.

This was my dad. He had one job in which he hated going to work everyday, would flip out on us kids for little things, smoked so much from stress, etc. He just quit one day, and while it took about 6 months for him to find a new job (which I would NEVER recommend - quitting before finding a new job), he was happier.

His depression sounds situational, from what OP said. It sounds like having a less stressful job could do a lot for his mental health. Doesn't sound like medication is the answer here. He also sounds angry, OP, at least from your post. Not making eye contact with you, etc? Does he blame you at all for his job situation? Does he feel pressure (real or imagined) from you to stay in this job because it's good money? If so, maybe you should - if you truthfully feel this way- encourage him to get a lower stress job and have an honest conversation about making your family sustainable on a lower income. The money does not sound worth his misery & in turn your family's misery.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I cant beleive that you think that medication is a solution in this case. Your DH needs a new job and depending on his pay in this new position you may been to work full time.

OP said that her DH goes through periods of stress and depression. If a person is depressed, it is even more difficult for them to get a job than the average person, because it is hard to come across as upbeat and energetic in an interview when that is NOT how one is feeling. It is also hard because the process of trying to get interviews and not getting jobs interviewed for only adds to the feelings of worthlessness that a depressed person often feels.

I don't think that OP getting a job is going to magically solve things. Yes, maybe it will ease the financial burden, but the bottom line is that her husband needs therapy and/or meds to deal with his depression. Part of him hating his job might be because he doesn't see himself as successful as he thought he would be at this part of his life, or he might be comparing himself to friends who are in great jobs, making lots of money, etc.

OP, please encourage your husband to see a doctor. Medications, along with therapy, could make a huge difference in his life, and once he returns to a more relaxed, upbeat frame of mind, maybe he can do something about changing jobs. And hang in there; I know it is not easy, but try not to let his frame of mind bring down you or your children.

Op, I cant beleive that you think that medication is a solution in this case. Your DH needs a new job and depending on his pay in this new position you may been to work full time.

Yes - if you take on some more of the financail burden...maybe it will help him and the whole family.

I could have written this post a year ago. In fact I did post on DCUM because my husband was making himself sick due to stress from work.

He ended up leaving and getting a new job, which is not as stable and we are not sure how long he will be in it full time BUT he is happy and healthy. He gained back the 20 lbs he lost from stress

Money is always something to think about but would you rather have a happy husband who want to love life or have your husband feel like a slave to his job (and family).

Maybe you shouold consider going to work full time to take some stress off of him. You posted how winderful your social life is...well you kind of sound selfish. Maybe you need to take on some more so your DH can find a new job and be happy? Something to think about.

"This job pays well"???

It won't after he's dead of a heart attack or suicide.

You need to intervene and DEMAND that he make a change. Maybe the answer is pills, but maybe the answer is a new job.

Anonymous wrote:work part time from home. 2 kids 5+8.
I have a full busy social life and am not bored with that. Just hate living with a zombie/ghost every 6 weeks

Maybe you need to step up to full time to take some of the pressure off so DH won't feel so trapped and realize he has options, even if they mean taking a paycut.

Joint therapy, so he understands how much his refusal to deal with his mental health hurts you. I would not push meds, though - that is his decision, and they are of doubtful effectiveness.

Other than that, you also have to accept you are married to a depressed guy. If it really is cyclical, you will have to learn to wait out the bad times.

This screams of a possible stroke/heart attack....he needs to really learn how to develop tools to cope with his stress. Or else you need to make sure the life insurance policy is in order.

Maybe he's lonely. From home?? You have the social life?

work part time from home. 2 kids 5+8.
I have a full busy social life and am not bored with that. Just hate living with a zombie/ghost every 6 weeks

What do you do for a living?

I can't stand it anymore. He is a complete wreck for weeks at a time every few months because of work. Withdrawn, sullen, tense. I get no communication or even eye contact for days on end during these phases. But he hates his job so much and hates being miserable that i try not to add to the stress. But I am lonely and sad. Don't suggest counseling because I've tried it and both shrinks he has had have not worked out. He should probably get a new job but this one pays well and he is good at it despite the fact that he is miserable half the time.

I think meds are the way to go. ANy ideas?

I don't think this falls in the category of normal ups and downs at work or home. This guy is incapacitated by stress and depression on a cyclical basis. And he does NOT let me in to help.

So lonely and sad