A bit OT, but, I recall once my dad found a note I tried to send to a boy I was forbidden to talk to (in retrospect, my dad was SO right) and he showed it to me, still sealed, and walked me outside where he proceeded to light up the grill and throw the letter into it to prove to me that he did not read it, but that he knew I'd attempted contact, and that was not ok. I so go the message, and think of this often to recall a horrible episode/time in my early teens where my parents were doing the right thing the right way.

Anonymous wrote:Why is it not cool to tell kids not to lock doors? I don't remember ever locking a door as a kid, and I tell my kids not to lock doors too.

It's important for a child, especially a teen, to feel like they have some privacy. People have a right to that. Telling a child or teen not to lock the door doesn't give them a lot of their own space. It may not affect everyone the same way, but it could lead to the child hiding/sneaking in other ways to get that sense of control, and not expressing things etc. in rebellion.

Why wouldn't you want your child to lock a door? Are you okay with them exploring their bodies etc.? That's obviously going to happen to and I don't want to discourage my kids from doing that if they want to lock the bathroom or their bedroom door.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting how many people are criticizing the OP. It seems to me that she isn't looking to blame her family but just seeking to understand where she comes from and how it influences her in the present.

Agree, PP. Posters have had an oddly defensive reaction to OP's post. She sounds as if she's just trying to come to terms with a new understanding of what was going on in her home (which had an influence on her relationship). Just because people are introspective and considerate of their pasts, doesn't meant they're trying to blame anyone / aren't aware of the harsh realities of the world / are self absorbed).

I think it's interesting how many people are criticizing the OP. It seems to me that she isn't looking to blame her family but just seeking to understand where she comes from and how it influences her in the present.

Don't worry, your kids don't think you are perfect, either. You will be shocked by all the ways you have fucked up tjeir lives when they are your age.

Why go "looking for problems?" Sounds like you had it pretty good to me. Not a productive way to spend time, imo.

OP here. I don't think we are blaming our parents for anything - no way! Love my parents, love my in-laws as my own parents. It's just been an interesting journey to uncover things and explain things. It's not about blaming, it's about finding explanations and resolutions and moving on.

Definitely agree people have been through a lot worse! I feel lucky to have such loving parents. And I feel they are even better grandparents.

And it's not all about parents either. There are other relatives, childhood friends, teachers, etc. who shaped us. Just interesting to hear people's stories.

I think most of us have things we agree and disagree with from our childhood. But I have known many others who had/have it much worse so that makes me glad their life wasn't/isn't mine.

Anonymous wrote:None of that seems "whoa, messed up" to me. Sounds like pretty typical imperfect parents. There are lots of little things I could say about my childhood that weren't perfect - everyone can. I don't think any of it impacts me now - obviously my childhood partly shaped who I am for good or for bad but I don't have any "issues". And if I did I would figure they were my issues to own not blame my parents for being human.

This exactly. I am the first pp, and this is why i hate therapy. I always felt like therapists were looking for someone to blame rather than make me responsible for my issues. I was finally able to get over my issues from an ex by dealing with it on my own and discussing my issues with a therapist and never bringing up the fact that i blamed my ex for them.

Sorry op, none of what you listed sounds like reasons you guys would have such big issues that you're in couples therapy. It feels like you're looking for scapegoats to explain your issues. In the long run, not sure that's the best way to go about it.

I'm sorry that you "uncovered" this stuff but were you expecting that your parents were perfect? Are you expecting that your kids won't "uncover" stuff like this one day?

Why is it not cool to tell kids not to lock doors? I don't remember ever locking a door as a kid, and I tell my kids not to lock doors too.

None of that seems "whoa, messed up" to me. Sounds like pretty typical imperfect parents. There are lots of little things I could say about my childhood that weren't perfect - everyone can. I don't think any of it impacts me now - obviously my childhood partly shaped who I am for good or for bad but I don't have any "issues". And if I did I would figure they were my issues to own not blame my parents for being human.

That sort of stuff affected me in my late teens and early twenties, but since I've grown up, and especially since I've been in a happy marriage, it doesn't bother me anymore. No-one is perfect - not even our parents. But you can always move on.

I had a mom who read my notes, journal etc. Fairly certain I don't have any issues from it. I have a great, open relationship with my parents now and have never snooped through dh's emails, texts, computer etc. But maybe i am only thinking about the vacations obvious issues.

I had a pretty bad first bf when i was 16. It took a lot of therapy in college to get over what he said and did to me. Thankfully, when i met dh at 25, i had worked through my issues.

Anyone else have a pretty happy, close to "ideal" childhood (no major traumas, loving parents, etc.) but go into therapy for whatever reason and uncover some stuff? Or, not in therapy but in raising your own kids, say, whoa, that was messed up!

I can't imagine I am the only one, given the state of the world, and given the fact that I was raised by parents who grew up in the 1950s. Husband and I are going through marriage counseling now and we have uncovered a few things:

-Privacy: one of us was forbidden to lock doors, the other had a mom who read journals/diary etc. and notes from girlfriends/boyfriends. Not cool, caused some issues.

-Daddy issues: my dad was never around (worked all the time) and though overall a good guy, had a major temper and though he never yelled at us or spanked us, would yell at my mom a lot, and in general storm around house. DH's dad would never just be totally proud of him, he would always have to raise the bar - if he got an A why didn't he get an A+? etc.

-I don't think my parents modeled healthy physical affection/sex life. I was taught the technical stuff, and overall got a good healthy sex education at school etc., but definitely rebelled in college a bit to prove how "unrepressed" I was only to end up in a marriage and find out I have some intimacy issues. DH too.

It is helpful to go through and do exercises and even uncover things from childhood that made me uncomfortable, etc., but it's HARD. I'm proud of myself though, cause I think a lot of people keep pushing things down. I thought if I opened up to DCUM, and got your stories, I'd feel more normal? Anyone? Anyone???