Don't be overly freaked out by the bad stories you hear. If your marriage is strong now, it will probably be strong a year from now. Having a child definitely adds stress, but it also brings you closer in a way that is hard to explain until you live it. You will be totally in love with your baby and there will be one other person on this earth who feels the same way. Yes, it is hard, but it is also SO much fun. It's been 3 years since we had our first kid and 6 months since we had the second, and my marriage feels stronger than ever. NOT that we don't have our moments, of course.

Your relationship with your husband is going to undergo a huge transformation. It has to so you can learn how to relate to each other as parents, not *just* husband and wife. It will take a few weeks before you hit a rhythm, so just go with it and see what works for you. Trying to stick to "rules" can make things worse if those turn out to be not the right ones for your new dynamic.

That said, I did have one "rule" in those first few months. Twice a day I'd say something nice to my husband, or compliment how well he was doing as a new father. It sounds silly, but unless I added it to my list: change diaper, do laundry, pump, say something nice to DH, make ped. appt, I'd forget to do it.

Talk to your friends who just had babies about what it was like. Ask them to be candid. Some good friends of ours gave us a real shock to the system when they described the first couple of weeks as DW nursing, eating, and sleeping and DH doing everything else--diapers, swaddling, shushing, food prep, laundry, etc. (Our friend had a really rough birth.) We were like, "Whoa." And then I had a c-section and a huge baby, and so we were glad for that advice.

Take some walks and talk about how you might deal with things like night wake-ups. Read the early sections of Baby 411 or another book that spells out how many feedings and diaper changes there are every day/week so you have a sense. Take a babycare class together. Plot together, as a team, about preparations, gear, the pediatrician, daycare, how much time your spouse will take off when the baby is born, visitors...and a little more broadly, have some relaxed conversations about things you did and didn't like about your childhoods.

And someone mentioned date nights...we have actually been surprised at how much we want to spend time with our baby. We have been on two dates while our baby has been awake, once at 6 weeks when my mother was in town and once recently when we took a day off work and took the baby to daycare (a great suggestion from DCUM!). That felt more "normal" to us, didn't cost anything more than we normally pay in daycare, and we still had all the weekend with our baby.

Oh, and, give yourself some space to make mistakes and say stupid things without jumping all over the other person. The experience of being the one who gave birth and is home with the baby versus the one who watched their loved one give birth and had to go right back to work...they're both very intense in their own way and also very different. And it's hard to see the other person's point of view through the sleep-deprived fog. So, we recognized at the beginning that the other person would say something crazy-sounding to the other, and we allowed ourselves to point it out with a laugh. It helped defuse possible fights (though we definitely still had some!

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:DH and I never did many date nights in town; it worked out better for us to do a night or two away, which we tried to do every 3-4 months.

Now that we are 3 kids in, the one attitude I always try to follow is that it is my job as a spouse to make DH's life easier. I expect the same from him. That cuts down on a lot of complaining, criticizing, etc.

agree 100%!

the main reason we fought was i felt that i had the brunt of the responsibility and he didn't help out much ....make sure you're more or less 50/50 and that he feel comfortable with everything and it'll make your life easier!

also nap when the baby naps! Feeling well rested makes things feel less stressful!

don't forget about you! Make time with friends/lunch dates/ etc. I let a lot of this go since i was younger than most of my friends when i had DD and they were mostly still living the single life. We really didn't talk for years....now we've reconnected, but i regret not making an effort to stay connected to my 'old' life...

Never ever have any discussions about chore division, sleep training or lack of support from other partner when it is dark outside. No one is in his/her right mind in the middle of the night.

Respect the power of sleep deprivation. Notice its effect in you and your partner. Take steps to avoid it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are expecting our first child this fall. I adore my husband, and I think our relationship is strong. While I'd love to think this will continue with the arrival of the baby, I've seen enough of my friends struggle through the first year of child-rearing with their spouses - not for lack of love - but simply as a result of exhaustion, frustration, and shock to the system. What are your tips of making it through the beginning of parenthood so that we still like each other next year?
Thanks.

1) Baby sleeps in own bed. No co-sleeping.
2) Date nights.

Ha! We did neither and relationship is stronger and happier than I could have dreamed.
So, no, while nice those are not essential items for the first months.

DH and I never did many date nights in town; it worked out better for us to do a night or two away, which we tried to do every 3-4 months.

Now that we are 3 kids in, the one attitude I always try to follow is that it is my job as a spouse to make DH's life easier. I expect the same from him. That cuts down on a lot of complaining, criticizing, etc.

It really depends on your personalities!

-let go Type A personality; don't expect spouse to do 100% exactly how you would like something done, there are always several ways that lead to a goal.
-don't blame, don't bicker
-be honest; and that also means to tell your spouse a lot of positive things you are noting
-don't take things for granted
-you are both part of the decision process for baby

It is the same stuff that any good relationship/marriage is made of!
-amplified x 100 - (or by 1000 if you have no help, baby is sick, complications, etc.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are expecting our first child this fall. I adore my husband, and I think our relationship is strong. While I'd love to think this will continue with the arrival of the baby, I've seen enough of my friends struggle through the first year of child-rearing with their spouses - not for lack of love - but simply as a result of exhaustion, frustration, and shock to the system. What are your tips of making it through the beginning of parenthood so that we still like each other next year?
Thanks.

1) Baby sleeps in own bed. No co-sleeping.
2) Date nights.

We have friends who stuck to these rules, but they have the most drama-laden marriage of anyone I know. So, basically, you have to figure out what works for you and for DH. As for "universal" rules, I think that you both should prepare for the worst (sick, colicky, poor sleeper, rough delivery, financial strain, etc.) and hope for the best (easy delivery, easy baby, no extraneous stress). You should both accept that your lives are going to change forever. You should both accept now that the first couple of years are going to be tough--it is for just about everyone, even if people don't want to admit it. You and DH need to accept that when your baby is young, your baby comes first--s/he needs you to survive and thrive--but that it will get better. You have to decide--but realize that things may change--on how involved you want DH to be as a partner from the beginning (see the thread about what's fair when baby is a newborn). Some couples are happy having mom do everything for the baby 24-7, whereas others want a more equal parenting relationship. Most of all, you need to be able to go with the flow. Things change, so you adapt.

Anonymous wrote:1. Try and have a date on a regular basis (even if just lunch while your child is at daycare and TRY to talk about yourselves and not your child (ren)).

2. Take turns sleeping/resting etc. If you both are tired then you will be cranky. If one of you is tired the other can carry the burden a bit better.

3. Divide chores and responsiblities. (someone cooks, someone does laundry, one picks up, the other drops off, etc). That way there is no resentment and you are both apart of it.
4. Find someone you trust to care for your child so you can go to events together and go to events together.

+1 to all of these. Also, leave your husband with the baby early and often! Okay, I don't mean just disappear---but get him comfortable being the primary caregiver for short stints so that if you have an evening out or a long work day or what-have-you, he doesn't feel like he's babysitting. He will be flummoxed by it in the early weeks and want to know how he should do something, when, why, etc., but it is totally normal and really key for him to figure out his own approach to parenting so that he feels like an equal, and you don't default to "mom takes care of baby except..." I found that hugely valuable both for myself (I could have an evening out with friends, etc.) and also for my husband's relationship with our son. (They have their own ways of doing things and while I might occasionally raise an eyebrow, I keep my mouth shut and accept that there are some things I just can't match Dad at!)

We also take turns at nights out with friends (in addition to nights when we all go---though our baby is seven months old now so those are getting fewer and fewer!) which helps, too. And we always, always ask the other before making plans like that.

Congrats, and good luck!

1) find a good babysitter early on
2) stick to date night commitments
3) agree to give each other a pass on small annoyances...they will happen ALL the time and if you make an issue of all of them you will live in anger
4) Sounds silly, but don't forget to hug, kiss and tell each other I love you, daily. Its seems simple but very easy to forget with a baby...days will pass and you'll ask when was the last time I kissed DH or said I love you...it goes a long way.

1. Try and have a date on a regular basis (even if just lunch while your child is at daycare and TRY to talk about yourselves and not your child (ren)).

2. Take turns sleeping/resting etc. If you both are tired then you will be cranky. If one of you is tired the other can carry the burden a bit better.

3. Divide chores and responsiblities. (someone cooks, someone does laundry, one picks up, the other drops off, etc). That way there is no resentment and you are both apart of it.
4. Find someone you trust to care for your child so you can go to events together and go to events together.

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are expecting our first child this fall. I adore my husband, and I think our relationship is strong. While I'd love to think this will continue with the arrival of the baby, I've seen enough of my friends struggle through the first year of child-rearing with their spouses - not for lack of love - but simply as a result of exhaustion, frustration, and shock to the system. What are your tips of making it through the beginning of parenthood so that we still like each other next year?
Thanks.

1) Baby sleeps in own bed. No co-sleeping.
2) Date nights.

My husband and I are expecting our first child this fall. I adore my husband, and I think our relationship is strong. While I'd love to think this will continue with the arrival of the baby, I've seen enough of my friends struggle through the first year of child-rearing with their spouses - not for lack of love - but simply as a result of exhaustion, frustration, and shock to the system. What are your tips of making it through the beginning of parenthood so that we still like each other next year?
Thanks.