OP, you need to get a life. Seriously. Kids are supposed to grow up and leave the nest. You should get some counseling to try and figure out why you can't accept this natural part of parenthood.

Anonymous wrote:One reason we didn't move to a bigger house (we remodeled our current house as a consolation) was that i didn't want to have a big empty house once the kids go to college and beyond. Also it would have meant moving further out and i thought the kids would never visit if we didnt live in a convenient location to get downtown etc. The real reason kids come back home after college is economics.

Oh, I agree that it is economics, and it makes good sense for most people. I sometimes think that the real estate nightmare that we are going through has a lot to do with young people feeling that they have to buy a home, even when they can't afford it.

One reason we didn't move to a bigger house (we remodeled our current house as a consolation) was that i didn't want to have a big empty house once the kids go to college and beyond. Also it would have meant moving further out and i thought the kids would never visit if we didnt live in a convenient location to get downtown etc. The real reason kids come back home after college is economics.

Anonymous wrote:OP again.
Glad to know that I am not alone.
Our house is tiny in parts and I notice that few of our neighbors' kids come back after college. I think that part of this is due to the tight spaces with bigger people.

If you smother them emotionally they won't want to be around you. It has nothing to do with the house. DH has cousins who are much older than him, and raised their 3 kids in a small 3br 1ba house in Manassas. Their kids were always around because it was a happy and welcoming place, and when we moved to the area as young newlyweds we spent a lot of time there too because they were such great people and they "adopted" us. Their kids have moved away for jobs, etc. but they're still a close family. This is what you should try to achieve, instead of going into debt for more space that may not be used.

OP, it might not be the size of your house, but the layout. We've found with one college grad, one in college and two still at home that having one central gathering place is nice, but it's also important to have space for everyone to get away from each other. So, when we want to be together we hang out in the kitchen or in the family room (kitchen and FR are essentially one big open space). When we want quiet, we can retreat to the den, screened porch or our bedrooms. We also have a guest room with full bath in the basement, which helps when kids bring guests home or we have cousins visiting.

On a more philosophical note, though, I understand your wanting to have a home that is welcoming for your adult children, but I also think you need to understand that they might not be around as often as you would like them to be. Enjoy them when they're with you and don't sink into a morass of self-pity or try to make them feel guilty when they're not.

OP again.
Glad to know that I am not alone.
Our house is tiny in parts and I notice that few of our neighbors' kids come back after college. I think that part of this is due to the tight spaces with bigger people.

OP I understand what you are going through. I was miserable when my last one left for college. They were my world and I am proud that they are off and doing well. Wasn't that our goal?
Now my last one is graduating from college and I am so happy with my life. He has a wonderful girlfriend and I am thoroughly enjoying seeing him evolve. In retrospect it all happened organically. Just like every phase of their development.
People say get busy....join this or that. I say do whatever the heck you want....just don't let your kids know how you feel! You are going to feel better!

In re moving back after college - so many factors here, especially your children and their attitudes and financial and educational situation.

No, you are not alone. I miss my kids when they're not around. I have a large house but I have to tell you, the upkeep is getting to me. I had four appointments each with 2-3 hour windows this week fixing, maintaining or replacing something. The to-do list is never ending. The hubby and I spend weekends doing chores and buying stuff related to the house and garden upkeep. This weekend: a tall ladder, wood varnish, a broken bulb remover, water and air filters, and TP for all the toilets--woohoo! When the kids have places of their own, we're downsizing. I'll be more than happy to put them up at a nearby B&B or hotel to encourage hometown visits.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not clear.
Do you mean to say that your current house id paid off, but you are buying a new, larger one so that your grown children will be able to return occasionally with their significant others + children and feel comfortable?

Well that sounds lovely!

Some observations:
1. Can you afford it?
2. Realistically, is your family the loving type that comes together for most holidays? On that note, please don't become that MIL who insists on having every holiday at your house to the detriment of your DIL's and SonIL's family get-togethers.
3. If your children are not yet adults and you are buying your forever house, think of handicap access - master bedroom on ground floor, no steps to walk up to the house, etc...

And please, tell your DH how you feel.

Thanks for being nice about it.
I agree very much about the handicapped access thing.
No, I won't insist that they come over, it is just that when homes are too small, then kids really run away because it is tight. My son's bedroom is 10 feet by 9 feet...he'll leave. Hope that they will stick around a few years after college.

Ours are still in college, but from what I here, the bold is pretty much a guarantee. But I'm with you.

I am not yet here, but my neighbors have kids who are now in their tenth year after college and all they can think of is getting their kids to move. That being said, I'm mourning the fact that I no longer have a baby. I also can't imagine not seeing and hearing my kids every day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not clear.
Do you mean to say that your current house id paid off, but you are buying a new, larger one so that your grown children will be able to return occasionally with their significant others + children and feel comfortable?

Well that sounds lovely!

Some observations:
1. Can you afford it?
2. Realistically, is your family the loving type that comes together for most holidays? On that note, please don't become that MIL who insists on having every holiday at your house to the detriment of your DIL's and SonIL's family get-togethers.
3. If your children are not yet adults and you are buying your forever house, think of handicap access - master bedroom on ground floor, no steps to walk up to the house, etc...

And please, tell your DH how you feel.

Thanks for being nice about it.
I agree very much about the handicapped access thing.
No, I won't insist that they come over, it is just that when homes are too small, then kids really run away because it is tight. My son's bedroom is 10 feet by 9 feet...he'll leave. Hope that they will stick around a few years after college.

Ours are still in college, but from what I here, the bold is pretty much a guarantee. But I'm with you.

Anonymous wrote:You're not clear.
Do you mean to say that your current house id paid off, but you are buying a new, larger one so that your grown children will be able to return occasionally with their significant others + children and feel comfortable?

Well that sounds lovely!

Some observations:
1. Can you afford it?
2. Realistically, is your family the loving type that comes together for most holidays? On that note, please don't become that MIL who insists on having every holiday at your house to the detriment of your DIL's and SonIL's family get-togethers.
3. If your children are not yet adults and you are buying your forever house, think of handicap access - master bedroom on ground floor, no steps to walk up to the house, etc...

And please, tell your DH how you feel.

Thanks for being nice about it.
I agree very much about the handicapped access thing.
No, I won't insist that they come over, it is just that when homes are too small, then kids really run away because it is tight. My son's bedroom is 10 feet by 9 feet...he'll leave. Hope that they will stick around a few years after college.

You're not clear.
Do you mean to say that your current house id paid off, but you are buying a new, larger one so that your grown children will be able to return occasionally with their significant others + children and feel comfortable?

Well that sounds lovely!

Some observations:
1. Can you afford it?
2. Realistically, is your family the loving type that comes together for most holidays? On that note, please don't become that MIL who insists on having every holiday at your house to the detriment of your DIL's and SonIL's family get-togethers.
3. If your children are not yet adults and you are buying your forever house, think of handicap access - master bedroom on ground floor, no steps to walk up to the house, etc...

And please, tell your DH how you feel.

You become an empty nester when your "kids" become "adults." So either way, you won't be hearing your kids' voices forever....unless you *want* to doom your child to being that Guy that Still Lives with His Mom.

We are buying a bigger house because we want our kids to feel welcome at home. They are old enough that some would say that we should just be happy that the house is paid off. This is complex, and DH does not know how I feel. The thought of not hearing my kids voices drives me nuts.
Am I alone?