Anonymous wrote:I think you think so much about things it's hard for you to get words out. I agree with PP that you want to practice, not saying it in your head (that won't actually help) but out loud in front of a mirror or in the shower outloud. You want to get your brain and mouth connected, right now the brain is going fine, but the mouth is freezing. So really start saying things to yourself out loud--multiple times, to help unfreeze that mechanism.

You can also start with smaller things though than a coffee spill in which you feel agonized, upset, mortified. For instance, you could just start by saying "good morning" to a person and then two persons each morning. Just releasing that freeze mechanism in little bits will help you.

GL.

Op here-this is a great practical suggestion. I'm going to try it.... And I dp fond myself shying away from even saying good morning - or I whisper it in response... And the man was a visitor and it happened 2 weeks ago, but it just really struck me at how poorly I conveyed my feelings.

I think you think so much about things it's hard for you to get words out. I agree with PP that you want to practice, not saying it in your head (that won't actually help) but out loud in front of a mirror or in the shower outloud. You want to get your brain and mouth connected, right now the brain is going fine, but the mouth is freezing. So really start saying things to yourself out loud--multiple times, to help unfreeze that mechanism.

You can also start with smaller things though than a coffee spill in which you feel agonized, upset, mortified. For instance, you could just start by saying "good morning" to a person and then two persons each morning. Just releasing that freeze mechanism in little bits will help you.

GL.

Are you from NYC?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You knocked his expresso over, gave him napkins to clean it up himself AND you didn't sorry "I'm sorry"? That's not socially inept...that's rude....Extremely rude, in fact.

You are calling her rude? Wow, a bitch calling someone rude who feels terrible for what she did.

I'd rather be considered rude than be a witch flying around on a broom all day. You suck.

Your reaction is extreme. Try Prozac, little one.

OP, I am in the SAME boat as you. I probably would have reacted like you as well. This helps me though- I count in my head to three (slowly and calmly) and then force myself to say something. Sometimes I say funny things but I always feel better that I tried. And I do find the more I do it, the better I feel.
Last month I was in the airport and ran over a woman's feet with very expensive looking shoes! She even gasped or said something. I made myself to quickly count and turn around. The first thing I blurted was, wow those are beautiful shoes. And then I said, "I'm so sorry for running them over." I giggled because interactions like this make me nervous. She said thanks and sort of laughed too and it was fine. Ironically, we was sitting in my aisle on the plane and we chatted for a bit and even exchanged business cards for a project she's working on that may be able to use my company.

You are not inept, OP. You may be a little awkward and introverted, but not rude. You are thinking about the situation from his perspective and that shows you care. I like what 13:15 had to say, though it may be a stretch for you to actually go over to him now. Yes, try to bring yourself to say and do the things you feel are appropriate in the future. But please don't beat yourself up over these kinds of things. You clearly care about others.

Anonymous wrote:You knocked his expresso over, gave him napkins to clean it up himself AND you didn't sorry "I'm sorry"? That's not socially inept...that's rude....Extremely rude, in fact.

You are calling her rude? Wow, a bitch calling someone rude who feels terrible for what she did.

I'd rather be considered rude than be a witch flying around on a broom all day. You suck.

Anonymous wrote:op: i don't know if i touched his coffe. i don't think i did. i just think he stumbled over it b/c i was close to him and reached near him.

if only i could get the words out of my mouth. i probably look really rude when i'm agonizing internally. and continue to ruminate on it all day.

Did this happen today? If so, put yourself to the test!! If you know this guy (since this was a work coffee station right?), find him and just say "Look, I'm really sorry about what happened earlier. I kind of froze when I should've apologized."

Otherwise, just let it go and promise to do better in the future when you (inadvertently) spill someone's espresso!

op: i don't know if i touched his coffe. i don't think i did. i just think he stumbled over it b/c i was close to him and reached near him.

if only i could get the words out of my mouth. i probably look really rude when i'm agonizing internally. and continue to ruminate on it all day.

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why you didn't just wait until he was finished. Reaching across someone is rude to begin with. Maybe just focus on manners: read up on them, practice them. Manners can help smooth a lot of things over, even if, underneath it all, you are shy or socially inept. If you reach a point where you've got the manners thing down pat, maybe then you can start working on the shyness (or whatever it is). Just my 2 cents....

Not reading carefully and then responding rudely based on a misperception is also on my list of bad manners. She didn't reach across him. Op did you actually spill the coffee? You have to force yourself to stick around. Most likely what you blurt out will be ok if you can just get yourself to stay. And ignore pp. What a prick.

Btw I did spill someone's coffee in our galley at work recently. He left it on the edge of the counter and was getting a fresh cup. I was getting something out of the fridge and turned to put it on the counter and whoops off the edge it went. I apologized profusely and the dick just sighed loudly. That was weird. But the point is, you can't win. Give yourself a break.

OP, have you ever considered whether you have selective mutism? (?)

Anonymous wrote:was at the mini coffee bar at work and a man in front of me ordered his coffee and stood at the super small counter mixing - i reachd next to him - not over him, not touching, not past him - and took the sugar. a minute later, i heard him say "oh" in surprise and i looked over and all his coffee (small cup fo espresso) had spilled on the counter. i grabbed some napkins and handed them over and then wiped up a bit in front of me and left.

what i wanted to do was say "oh my goodness, did i do that? i am so sorry, can i help you clean it up? may i buy you another cup?"
but for some reason, i just can't.
thoughts?

It sounds like your social instincts are perfect. That would have been a great thing to say.

So why not just practice saying out loud the social thoughts in your head? Challenge yourself to do it one or two extra times a day.

Pay attention to how people react. If they react well, keep it going. If they don't react well, consider how you might say it differently next time.

You knocked his expresso over, gave him napkins to clean it up himself AND you didn't sorry "I'm sorry"? That's not socially inept...that's rude....Extremely rude, in fact.

I don't know why you didn't just wait until he was finished. Reaching across someone is rude to begin with. Maybe just focus on manners: read up on them, practice them. Manners can help smooth a lot of things over, even if, underneath it all, you are shy or socially inept. If you reach a point where you've got the manners thing down pat, maybe then you can start working on the shyness (or whatever it is). Just my 2 cents....

was at the mini coffee bar at work and a man in front of me ordered his coffee and stood at the super small counter mixing - i reachd next to him - not over him, not touching, not past him - and took the sugar. a minute later, i heard him say "oh" in surprise and i looked over and all his coffee (small cup fo espresso) had spilled on the counter. i grabbed some napkins and handed them over and then wiped up a bit in front of me and left.

what i wanted to do was say "oh my goodness, did i do that? i am so sorry, can i help you clean it up? may i buy you another cup?"
but for some reason, i just can't.

thoughts?