My mother is like this. The way I deal with it is to set limits. For example, I never see her for more than 48 hours in a row even though we live across country. Long visits are a big no-no. So, put the brakes on those for sure.

As for the demands for fresh muffins, etc., those are absolutely your husband's responsibility not yours. It's no surprise that he thinks these demands are no big deal - they're not, for him! It's no skin off his back if you are doing all the work. So, any time his parents want something, smile politely and tell him what they want and let him take care of it. Do NOT do it yourself. They are his parents and his responsibility. You can offer to help him by taking on more of the childcare while his parents visit, which will enable him to do the elder care. I would encourage you to be fully upfront about this with him. Tell him you can't handle taking care of everyone and that you would be happy to split responsibilities by taking on all the childcare to allow him to take care of his parents when they visit, but that you will not do both. Then enforce it.

The water running... I think that's a sign of old age. Sorry. that just is what it is. Don't cry over spilled water.

As for the comments, my shrink says that 99% of the time when people criticize they are actually projecting what they feel about themselves. So, when she tells you that you are a bad mother, what she really means is that she thinks she is a bad mother. The way I handle it with my mother is to change the subject by complimenting her. It works like a charm. Literally act like she has said nothing horrible at all and then ask her for her wonderful chicken recipe or whatever. She'll be flattered and the subject will change and she will start to think you are great because who doesn't love people who compliment them?

Smile graciously, look her straight in the eye, and say NO. Walk away. Explain nothing, because it will diminish the finality of the NO. Practice in front of the mirror if you need to.

Seriously, your DH is your biggest problem. Know why? because your MIL will never change, and because the person you are living with is your husband - he should model healthy relationships to your kids, which includes setting boundaries.

My friend is in a similar situation to yours, and her DH flat out told her "I will always prioritize my mother". Ugh!!!

I suggest finding a relationship book that targets such a mother-son control and have your DH read it, or read aloud sections of it and discuss them. Explain that unless you guys are a team and defend each other, the marriage cannot be happy!
Have many serious discussions about this - do not let it go - eventually he may start backing you up.

You could also try to find a therapist that will tell him the same thing.

But anyway, for now, be the bad guy and just say NO. Don't listen to her whining, don't even answer her when she adopts that tone or becomes too outrageous. Just smile pleasantly. You can even throw in a "God bless you".

Anonymous wrote:i FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!
1.) As others have said, your husband needs to step up to the plate. Enough of this suck it up crap. Your husband endorses her ways by keeping silent. He needs to make it clear what respectful behavior is needed. He also should be the one getting the friggin muffins!

Onto ways to be passive aggressive with in-laws if you are not allowed to assert yourself and your husband won't do his part..

*Be a lousy cook

*Train the child in diapers to say "I only want grammy to change my poopy diapers."

*Get some mice from a pet store or wherever people buy mice these days and set them loose in the house. Alternativey, non harmful spiders or roaches would do.

*During dinner nonchalantly bring up that your neighborhood is being studies because of the high incidence of lyme disease and west nile virus.

*Mention that the kids have poop worms and lice again and no matter how much you sanitize EVERYONE get these critters.

*Feed the kids lots of beans and high fiber and high sulfur food snd let the smelly farting begin...

*Give your dog whatever dogfood makes him/her have the worst smelling farts and tell them Fido insists on sleeping with guests.

EXCELLENT!!

Anonymous wrote:She may have early signs of dementia..maybe you should be kinder

Oh shut up

Even if these are early signs of dementia, it is NOT YOUR JOB to deal with it! If your ILs insist on certain things (beyond what is reasonable) your husband needs to take care of it. Why are YOU the one running to the store, etc? If your husband worships his mother, then let him be her personal slave.

She may have early signs of dementia..maybe you should be kinder

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kinda sounds likes you enable her too. Going out to buy fresh muffins? Allowing her to abuse you re the sinus prescription? Just say no. Don't offer. Let your DH cater to them if he likes but don't get involved ourself. She's clearly mentally ill. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

This. If you really want to torture her, just don't let her bother you. My mother in law drove my sisters in law crazy, but she never picked on me because I didn't let her get to me. I was unfailingly pleasant and just let it all go by. So she just stopped trying -- there was just no sport in it.

I agree. Ignore and refuse. Repeat.

Sounds like you live with your in laws. What's up with that?

Anonymous wrote:Kinda sounds likes you enable her too. Going out to buy fresh muffins? Allowing her to abuse you re the sinus prescription? Just say no. Don't offer. Let your DH cater to them if he likes but don't get involved ourself. She's clearly mentally ill. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

This. If you really want to torture her, just don't let her bother you. My mother in law drove my sisters in law crazy, but she never picked on me because I didn't let her get to me. I was unfailingly pleasant and just let it all go by. So she just stopped trying -- there was just no sport in it.

What would happen if you said "no" when she asks you to get her prescription? Will fil perish without fresh muffins for breakfast? I also cater a bit to my in laws, but my fil likes Cheerios with 1% milk and Hershey's syrup for breakfast, things I can buy once before they come over, I wouldn't rush out for him. Be sweet with your words, but dont enable their demands...otherwise it'll be a loooong life with them thinking they can boss you around.

I would have told her I just came from the store and if she needs something now, then she'll have to ask SH to do it or do it herself. Offer to draw a map to the pharmacy. And don't buy the fresh muffins. Bake them at home, or give FIL a mix and have HIM bake them while you sleep in and have cereal or whatever your normal breakfast is. I'd just stop doing stuff for them and make myself really busy so I didn't have to be around them.

i FEEL YOUR PAIN!!!
1.) As others have said, your husband needs to step up to the plate. Enough of this suck it up crap. Your husband endorses her ways by keeping silent. He needs to make it clear what respectful behavior is needed. He also should be the one getting the friggin muffins!

Onto ways to be passive aggressive with in-laws if you are not allowed to assert yourself and your husband won't do his part..

*Be a lousy cook

*Train the child in diapers to say "I only want grammy to change my poopy diapers."

*Get some mice from a pet store or wherever people buy mice these days and set them loose in the house. Alternativey, non harmful spiders or roaches would do.

*During dinner nonchalantly bring up that your neighborhood is being studies because of the high incidence of lyme disease and west nile virus.

*Mention that the kids have poop worms and lice again and no matter how much you sanitize EVERYONE get these critters.

*Feed the kids lots of beans and high fiber and high sulfur food snd let the smelly farting begin...

*Give your dog whatever dogfood makes him/her have the worst smelling farts and tell them Fido insists on sleeping with guests.

Ugh, your mil sounds bad, but your husband sounds disgusting. Really, don't do these things if they bother you. Tell her how you feel. People only walk over you if you let them!

Kinda sounds likes you enable her too. Going out to buy fresh muffins? Allowing her to abuse you re the sinus prescription? Just say no. Don't offer. Let your DH cater to them if he likes but don't get involved ourself. She's clearly mentally ill. The only thing you can change is your own behavior.

Spit on those fresh muffins, and replace her pills for the sinus infection with laxatives. That'll teach her.

help me think of ways, please, or at least make me laugh b/c she's making me both suicidal and homicidal right now. she is selfish and toxic.

this weekend alone: (and i am mentioning the minor things only in an effort to keep myself from having a full nervous breakdown)

--was sitting with the baby while i bathed the toddler, i came down and she said "oh, someone's stinky" and i said "did you check his diaper?" and she cackled and said no, we thought we'd wait for you. 30 minutes in a poopy diaper = violent diaper rash. thanks, grandma! you're the best!

--left kitchen faucet on full blast - i wandered downstairs about 10 min after she'd left the kitchen and saw water running - i called out "hey, did anyone need anything in the kicthen b/c the water is still on?" DH replies "no" - I went down and MIl said "i know it wasn't really on, it was probably just dripping, you exaggerate all the time."

--i went to store to buy muffins for FIL b/c he insists on fresh muffins for breakfast, asked if anyone needed anything. nope. i came back in the door and MIL said (whined) "i need a prescription filled for my sinus infection. i forgot to do it at home and now i found it in my bag and my nose is bothering me. i need you to do it right now." i pointed out i had just come back, to which she whined "i need it now"

--told me that i shouldn't have 2 kids so close in age because "you just can't handle them at all. you;re just not that good at being a mother to two." OUCH.

don't ask where my dh is in all this. he worships the ground she walks on. she has symptoms of true mental illness and he not only ignores the, but fully enables them. and ignores her random cruel comments by saying "my mom is just like that. grow a thick skin" yes, i have contemplated divorce over this woman alone.

i am considering ways in which to torture her ala that seinfled episode where his girlfriend swirled jerry's toothbrush in the toilet as payback for something