Anonymous wrote:This is my single biggest parenting challenge-- grandparents next door. Ok, not literally next door, but my ILs live less than a mile away. We see them almost every day, for one thing or another. I have tried everything: rational conversation, stern and specific instructions, begging, limiting access, and they WILL. NOT. STOP. with the grandparent spoiling. We're talking cupcakes (yes, multiple) and juice every time they get within arm's length of the kid, which again, is every day. We're talking absolutely unlimited and unsupervised screen time. We're talking tolerating truly awful behavior. (I once saw my daughter smack her grandfather in irritation when he tried to turn off her game. He chuckled. I nearly lost my shit.)

My husband has made it very clear that he is not interested in opposing his parents. (Cultural stuff.) His parents have made it very clear that they are not interested in learning the word "no".

My only hope at this point is to convince the kid that all this stuff is bad for her, so she starts policing herself.

I feel sorry for you, as you're screwed.

What if you stand up to them? If your husband is that bound to his parents and if his parents are that controlling - using kids as pawns, I'm sure - you either suck it up or create boundaries.

And I, too, come from that "cultural stuff." But in the States, things are different!

Stand up for yourself or it will only become worse.

Anonymous wrote:Stand up for yourself. It's your house.

agree

And cut out so many visits!

Why are you such a martyr?

How much later do the GP's let them stay up? If it's 30 minutes and extended sitting in their room reading then I wouldn't sweat it. If it's 45 min including GP's watching them for extended tub time play fine also. If it's the 11pm ne2s and Jay Leno -big problem.

My kids are older now and they do remember all their special times with GP's [most of whom are now deceased]. At ages 3 and 5 they might be doing things and having conversations with GP's that exclude mom.

Boy, we have all the extremes covered on these boards! 20:41, I respect your nuts but damn! You're a stickler. I admire it, though. I really try to compromise a bit, but every year I feel like the inch I give is turned into the proverbial mile, and that despite my efforts to compromise, my in-laws still see me as a cranky fun-squasher and despite my effort to rein things in, I still end up feeling overwhelmed.

My husband and I had the same talk, and had the same "same page" feeling, but when his parents come loaded with enormous, computery / yappy / electronic gifts, he doesn't speak up on the spot. He waits until after time has passed and then it's obvious that the big bad wife put him up to it.

Despite how this thread sounds, I do like my in-laws. I just wish we could get the gift / spoiling stuff settled. Like OP, we see them between every month and every other month. I really don't want to be TOO heavy about things that might not matter that much. So I do choose battles. I might not have told my inlaws to their face that we were off to goodwill with their unwanted offerings, as the fall out and hurt feelings from that would be unworth it. But...I do put my footdown on stuff like the cupcake issue, juice, etc. MIL is the type who is all "how about some juice instead" when DS asks for water. So we had to put that in check. And she was also giving him marshmallow cream once when he was like 11 months old, which yeah, I nearly lost my mind over. I don't wait for DH to step in on those, I just nip 'em. But it's hard to find the right balance between harsh and doormat!

This is my single biggest parenting challenge-- grandparents next door. Ok, not literally next door, but my ILs live less than a mile away. We see them almost every day, for one thing or another. I have tried everything: rational conversation, stern and specific instructions, begging, limiting access, and they WILL. NOT. STOP. with the grandparent spoiling. We're talking cupcakes (yes, multiple) and juice every time they get within arm's length of the kid, which again, is every day. We're talking absolutely unlimited and unsupervised screen time. We're talking tolerating truly awful behavior. (I once saw my daughter smack her grandfather in irritation when he tried to turn off her game. He chuckled. I nearly lost my shit.)

My husband has made it very clear that he is not interested in opposing his parents. (Cultural stuff.) His parents have made it very clear that they are not interested in learning the word "no".

My only hope at this point is to convince the kid that all this stuff is bad for her, so she starts policing herself.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. Sometimes I think I should be stricter, but we are utilizing free babysitting I feel like they resent a lot of rules, and we always go out when they are here. When they leave I throw out all the crap they have left behind.
Last time I left a written menu, which they ignored.

You get what you pay for. 8)

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. Sometimes I think I should be stricter, but we are utilizing free babysitting I feel like they resent a lot of rules, and we always go out when they are here. When they leave I throw out all the crap they have left behind.
Last time I left a written menu, which they ignored.

The babysitting is not free if they return to you cranky ill-behaved children.

Thanks. Sometimes I think I should be stricter, but we are utilizing free babysitting I feel like they resent a lot of rules, and we always go out when they are here. When they leave I throw out all the crap they have left behind.
Last time I left a written menu, which they ignored.

Our rule is that they are allowed one "sleepover" when they stay up with the kids and watch a movie and eat pizza and pig out on candy and cake and whatever. They are also allowed to bring as many toys as they want, with the caveat that they must be smaller than a breadbox and nothing computer-y, since we want to control their access to "screens." DH and I discussed it and made sure we were really on the same page with these guidelines, and then we explained what we want and what the reasons are to the grandparents. The inlaws were wonderful, and got right on board, my parents, OTOH, were a bit resistant, but when they came home with treats, we said, "Oh, those will be so fun for your movie night!" and put them away immediately. When they've brought gifts that were inappropriate (like a huge playhouse for our tiny house) we bluntly replied, "We cannot accept this. Would you like to return it, or shall we bring it over to goodwill?" They weren't happy, but we stuck to our guns and reminded them that we had been upfront about what we wanted, and now they toe the line, and we don't mind their long-weekend trips every other month.

Stand up for yourself. It's your house.

I wouldn't allow late bedtimes, constant junk food etc even if the in-laws visited a few times a year! our in-laws always bring small presents or a special dessert treat and I think that is fine. I am not prepared to deal with cranky kids all day the next day just so they can be the super cool grandparents. they tried that with us and I nixed it on the spot.

You're right.

I agree with you, OP. Discuss with your spouse and pick a few things the grandparents can indulge the kids in every couple of days. Btw, my FIL stays for weeks and weeks, so I get you. 5 days every 6-8 weeks is a substantial chunk of time, way too long to make exceptions to rules that are really in your kids' best interest.

OP - what is your point? Are you a doormat?

i think the grandparent allowances -- spoiling the kids, late bedtimes, junk food, excess TV -- should not apply if the grandparents visit for 5 days every 6 or 8 weeks!! that's too many late bedtimes and too much junk food. My in-laws disagree.
It is driving me crazy. Every time they visit, I am left with two kids (ages 3 and 5) who are off-schedule and used to candy and cake for dessert. I hate it.
I would put up with it if it was just 3 times a year or something. But it's not. Also, they stay for FIVE days. UGH!!