@15:54 - OP here: thank you for posting some helpful information. I think in the 3+ years visiting DCUM, this is one of the few times I've posted and actually received true help.

12:47 - care to share the name of the therapist(s) you used? The tantrum thing is definitely my child - we can't do the normal walk away, but have to be there for him in some way.

@12:47: This started at 3 years old.

1. During a tantrum I would either walk away or try to put him in timeout. The psycologist said stay in the room reading a magazine (so it appeared I was not paying attention) and said "let me know if there is something I can do to help you calm down". My H and I both thought it was crazy! He refused, I did it - I was desperate - his tantrums were crazy, off the wall tantrums. His tantrums went from every day to never in 3 weeks and went from 30 minutes to 5 minutes in 3 days.

2. We charted - stars for good behavior - stars - that was it. A freakin star. The stars didn't even gain him things like snacks or tv time - just stars. Who knew.

3. We have a schedule for breakfast. Monday - egg sandwich, Tuesday - cereal, Wednesday - oatmeal. He makes the list and can change it.

4. Wake up - alarm - starting at 5, it seemed so young. I thought hugs would be better but he likes the alarm.

5. We did and still do Magic 1-2-3 (one kid stops on 1 the other always goes to 2) - but I don't do timeout as a consequence. Consequences change with age.

I can go on, and on, and on.

At 9 years old we did some behavioral therapy for rigidity and anxiety issues. About 7 meetings with a psycologist.

I read it and found it useful but I was frustrated that for a number of the scenarios he provided as examples of of less-than-stellar parenting, he didn't offer a solution scenario (i.e., what the parent SHOULD have done/said was XXXXX).

Anonymous wrote:I read the book and I liked it. It has been a while but I liked that she focused on the positive aspects of different personality types and gave practical advice. Sometimes when a child is challenging, a parent can become very negative about the child, about parenting in general, and this book helped me (at times) look at my child's personality a little differently. I did find it useful but, for me, it was very much a starting point as my child did end up with a diagnosis. There are a lot of books out there that are more helpful if you end up running into specific issues (anxiety, ADHD, etc).

By the way, OP, one of the hardest things about having a difficult kid is dealing with the unhelpful comments of other parents. I have four kids and the others are super easy so I can say pretty definitively that some kids are more challenging to parent than others, but you won't get much sympathy or understanding from parents who haven't dealt with it.

+1. I have 3 dc and one of them is beyond the pale in terms of behavior. The book that turned out to be most helpful for us was "The Explosive Child" (which I think is probably a subcategory of "spirited"). Hopefully you don't need this one, but one of the basic points of that book is that certain children do not respond to "easy" discipline methods like time out, 1 2 3 magic, etc.

I read the book and I liked it. It has been a while but I liked that she focused on the positive aspects of different personality types and gave practical advice. Sometimes when a child is challenging, a parent can become very negative about the child, about parenting in general, and this book helped me (at times) look at my child's personality a little differently. I did find it useful but, for me, it was very much a starting point as my child did end up with a diagnosis. There are a lot of books out there that are more helpful if you end up running into specific issues (anxiety, ADHD, etc).

By the way, OP, one of the hardest things about having a difficult kid is dealing with the unhelpful comments of other parents. I have four kids and the others are super easy so I can say pretty definitively that some kids are more challenging to parent than others, but you won't get much sympathy or understanding from parents who haven't dealt with it.

Anonymous wrote:I read the book but it did not help.

I ended up going to a child psycologist and worked on discipline that my child would respond to. He didn't actually go but the psycologist would have me try new things until we found a way that helped us. It was totally different than discipline methods the other parents would use. Then I had to deal with comments like "i just put him in time out", "maybe your inconsistent", etc.

Most parents can't see past their nose and if it worked for them it should work for you.

My son is 12 now and awesome. He still does not respond well to the way other parents discipline their kids.

I would share my discipline methods but that would not help because my son is probably totally different than your kid.

NP here. If I swear that I understand that all kids are different, will you share some of the suggestions you tried (those that didn't work for your kid and those that did, and you don't have to identify which are which if you don't want to)? I am curious about options beyond time outs, rewards, 123, and all that stuff. Thanks!

I thought it was helpful and worth reading.

10:46 here. 10:45...I wasn't speaking about you. Good post!!

Clearly the PPs are quite delusional and think that their little cupcakes are the pillars of society because they are disciplined to the "T". Well, thank you helicopter PPs, but enough is enough already.

OP, You might seek a developmental pediatrician to see if your child falls into the category of ADD or ADHD. Not trying to scare you, but 1 in 5 children experience neurological disorders. Mainly boys.

Read the book....see if it helps. If not, start seeking a diagnosis so you can get a head start on any early interventions that may be needed.

I read the book but it did not help.

I ended up going to a child psycologist and worked on discipline that my child would respond to. He didn't actually go but the psycologist would have me try new things until we found a way that helped us. It was totally different than discipline methods the other parents would use. Then I had to deal with comments like "i just put him in time out", "maybe your inconsistent", etc.

Most parents can't see past their nose and if it worked for them it should work for you.

My son is 12 now and awesome. He still does not respond well to the way other parents discipline their kids.

I would share my discipline methods but that would not help because my son is probably totally different than your kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give consequences. Be consistent. Spirited child is an excuse. Don't give empty threats

What do you mean, spirited child is an excuse? You assume because I say "spirited" I mean undisciplined. Just jump right into the discipline.....which shows that you don't understand the concept of spirited children.

Anyone who actually HAS a spirited child who can weigh in?

I'm not the PP, but, yep, it is generally the case that the kid is undisciplined and spoiled. Maybe your child is the exception to the rule. All healthy children are "spirited," but setting boundaries with them, saying "no" and meaning what you say does not break their spirit but helps them to channel it properly.

Anonymous wrote:Give consequences. Be consistent. Spirited child is an excuse. Don't give empty threats

What do you mean, spirited child is an excuse? You assume because I say "spirited" I mean undisciplined. Just jump right into the discipline.....which shows that you don't understand the concept of spirited children.

Anyone who actually HAS a spirited child who can weigh in?

Give consequences. Be consistent. Spirited child is an excuse. Don't give empty threats

Has anyone read this book? Has it helped/made a difference in how you deal with your "spirited" child?

I'm not someone who has in general read parenting books - but I really think I could use a little help with the direction my child has been going lately. Would love to know any comments - positive or negative.