I think it's great that you want to make sure and cultivate a better relationship with your children. Just don't get caught up in the trap of doing everything the exact opposite of you mom. Some of the worst parents I know are so disappointed with their parents that they go the other extreme with their own. If their parents were super strict, they end up trying to be extremely laid back and befriend their kids instead of parenting. Or vice versa.

19:48 - Do we share the same MIL? That black cloud is huge! Ugh. I have known people to come down on others if ("others") have a terrible mom. OP, it is NOT your fault. You did not ask for this. Let her live in her own hell. Mostly the people I know who are harsh on others are up their own parents or ILs a** for money. Gross! Be glad you are not selling your soul, know that it is not your fault, and do your best to put her behind you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just curious as to what I am missing. My mom is judgemental, distant, and highly religious. I have been in therapy for four months now to combat a long standing eating disorder (bulmia) and am just now starting to be able to label and acknowledge many of my feelings.

It is overwhelming how sad I am today that I don't have a mom who has ever really cared about me. I am just wondering what it feel like to have a close mom and hopefully be able to cultivate that type of a relationship with my childen.

Wallowing in self-pity benefits no one. She must have cared something about you because she didn't abort you, fed you (BF or FF), changed your diaper, and other things. You will be an overbearing mother if you keep this up and your children will be equally as miserable as you. There is some good in everyone's life, look for this and keep it as your focus.

This is really unhelpful advice, even if you were just going for the tough-love approach.

Not aborting a kid doesn't mean you care about it- do you ever watch the news? And since your definition of caring about someone just means that you don't physically neglect them, I don't think you are emotionally well enough to give advice on this topic.

Agreed. Plain nasty advice.

Ignore 19:11.

OP some people get screwed. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends! I hope you have some really supportive and awesome friends in your life.

My mom and i clashed growing up, but I always knew she would do anything for us. She is a great role model-empathetic, hard working, intelligent, assertive, etc. Once I graduated from college we moved toward a friendship and at this point (many years later) I consider her one of my closest friends.

My MIL is downright emotionally abusive so I at least have an inkling of what you experienced. I am a different person when I have to spend time with them. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I feel unhinged. My husband can't seem to have balls when she is around and he and all his siblings seem determined to get things right with her even though every time she ends up spreading her dark cloud of hell around. I feel so grateful I didn't grow up with a mother like that and my heart goes out to anyone who did.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am just curious as to what I am missing. My mom is judgemental, distant, and highly religious. I have been in therapy for four months now to combat a long standing eating disorder (bulmia) and am just now starting to be able to label and acknowledge many of my feelings.

It is overwhelming how sad I am today that I don't have a mom who has ever really cared about me. I am just wondering what it feel like to have a close mom and hopefully be able to cultivate that type of a relationship with my childen.

Wallowing in self-pity benefits no one. She must have cared something about you because she didn't abort you, fed you (BF or FF), changed your diaper, and other things. You will be an overbearing mother if you keep this up and your children will be equally as miserable as you. There is some good in everyone's life, look for this and keep it as your focus.

This is really unhelpful advice, even if you were just going for the tough-love approach.

Not aborting a kid doesn't mean you care about it- do you ever watch the news? And since your definition of caring about someone just means that you don't physically neglect them, I don't think you are emotionally well enough to give advice on this topic.

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling OP, hang in there and like others say, do not blame yourself and another piece of advice is don't waste your time trying to figure your mom out...I agree it is better to focus on the positive and move on. You cannot control the actions or behaviors of others and it is futile to wish or feel bad about something you feel you never had. Instead try focusing your energy on what is good in your life--and grateful for your little child. Everyone has something in life that is beautiful, some have awesome moms, others have other gifts in life (maybe an awesome friendship, marriage, successful career etc.) I do not have a close relationship with my mom. But at some point you just have to move on and be grateful for what you do have in life and not focus energy on what is lacking. Good luck!!

Anonymous wrote:I am just curious as to what I am missing. My mom is judgemental, distant, and highly religious. I have been in therapy for four months now to combat a long standing eating disorder (bulmia) and am just now starting to be able to label and acknowledge many of my feelings.

It is overwhelming how sad I am today that I don't have a mom who has ever really cared about me. I am just wondering what it feel like to have a close mom and hopefully be able to cultivate that type of a relationship with my childen.

Wallowing in self-pity benefits no one. She must have cared something about you because she didn't abort you, fed you (BF or FF), changed your diaper, and other things. You will be an overbearing mother if you keep this up and your children will be equally as miserable as you. There is some good in everyone's life, look for this and keep it as your focus.

not your fault, OP - just dealt a sucky hand

Some moms are horrible; others are great.

Mine is fabulous, and yes, at times we fight. But it's not for long.

Don't kick yourself. Learn from this experience and move on.

Like the OP, I don't have the experience of closeness with my mom. Unfortunately she died when I was 14 yrs old. My memories of her when she was alive are mixed. It was a close but conflictual relationship. I can say I was lucky to always know she cared about me, and I've tried to take that experience into my adulthood and use it in my parenting of my three children. On the other hand, I have many unpleasant memories of life with my mom, because she was an emotionally volatile person who could be immensely fun and loving one minute and raging/nasty/abusive the next. So mom and me -- the whole thing is very much a mixed bag for me.

Why am I writing all of this? I don't know. Maybe because it helps me to write about it. And maybe because I can understand the loneliness the OP feels in not having closeness with her mother. It's not easy, OP. I'm comforted in thinking I'm building a better relationship with my kids. I hope you find comfort in other relationships in your lives, and draw strength from them. An important person in my life and a mother figure was my mother in law. She was a Godsend for me for many years, and I owe her so much.

It's amazing. I love my mom. I know there is always someone who supports me and loves me - unconditionally.

She tells me when she disagrees with me, but still supports me.

We talk every day, by phone or email. I just can't imagine not having her in my life!

How does it feel? Honestly, it feels wonderful. I am very close to my mother, and I'm realizing more and more how fortunate I am. Out of my three best friends, one's mother is deceased, one has Parkinson's and is in hospice care, and the other is a hoarder/manic depressive. I am so lucky not only that my mother is fairly young (66) and healthy, but also that we have a great relationship. She is totally supportive of me and is always on my side. She's not completely uncritical, but when she is I know it's when I should have been doing better anyway. She once told me that I am her "best friend." I was surprised by that, but after I thought about it, in many ways it's true.

We grew closer after I moved out.

It's still funny. We talk more now that I'm gone than when I was there under the same roof.

She's still very judgmental, religious, etc but I learned to filter what she says.

She's a great grandma and that's what matters the most now.

My mom was (she died 7 years ago) my best friend and biggest champion. She attended all of my sporting events- even the ones where I sat on the bench. She made my food, tucked me in at night and always smelled good when I snuggled up on her lap during church. As I got older she was always encouraging. Harsh sometimes in critiquing my choices, especially during high school, but very clear in her love for me. College was hard for me. I remember just calling her and the sound of her voice would start me crying. She was patiently wait until I calmed down then tell me that everything would be ok-- and it was.

I could go on and on about her. She wasn't perfect. She married my ass of a father and never left him. She had depression my entire life though it wasn't until I was older that I realized how hard it was for her to get out of bed sometimes. But she made me the mother I am and I love her for that. She made me laugh when I had a little one in the PICU when I thought all was wrong in the world. She could calm me down and I always knew she was there to love me.

Losing her was devastating. I hate that this is what the rest of my life will be like- without her. There isn't a day I don't think about her and think about how lucky I am for being her daughter.

I need to say something. You know OP, just because you are not close to your mom - it is not your fault, some moms are terrible mothers! There is such a thing, you know. Why absolve the mothers? I'm a mother doing the best I can just like everyone else, but I might slip up and my child might hate me. I could not then say none of it was my responsibility or try to wash my hands of it. Yes we all have one mother, blah blah blah, but that mother has many chances to get it right. if yours did not, I am sorry. But do NOT take on all of the responsibility!

That said, there are many good moms out there, who really do try.

I am just curious as to what I am missing. My mom is judgemental, distant, and highly religious. I have been in therapy for four months now to combat a long standing eating disorder (bulmia) and am just now starting to be able to label and acknowledge many of my feelings.

It is overwhelming how sad I am today that I don't have a mom who has ever really cared about me. I am just wondering what it feel like to have a close mom and hopefully be able to cultivate that type of a relationship with my childen.