To the PP, thank you for sharing this. Your dad is lucky to have you, and visa-versa. If I can pry, do you think that if you had always known about the donor sperm that your childhood and teen years would have been different? Would it have made those years harder/easier, or impacted your relationship with your dad?

We used donor sperm to conceive our 2.5 DS, and (so far) his personality is more like my husband's than mine (and he doesn't look like either of us). I actually picked our donor because he is an extrovert like my DH and one of his photos looked like DH at that age. But those things may change as DS grows up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To play devil's advocate...I know general wisdom is to tell kids their history these days, but is it really better for the kids? Does it mess with their self-identify, especially in the teen years? Wouldn't it be better for the child to just assume they are biologically related to their parents?

We used donor sperm to conceive our DD, and I don't know what we'll tell her. We're still struggling with figuring out what really is best for her.

I realize that it would be harder to find out accidently, for example if God forbid there's a medical situation in which it comes out that a child isn't biologically related, but other than that, I don't see how the child would find out, especially if the parents are the only ones that know the truth.

There are two kinds of truth - the factual truth and the essential truth. I think a lot of people want to tell a lie at the level of factual truth - that the child is biologically related to them - in order to strengthen the essential truth - which is that the child is loved just the same as any genetically related child would be. The problem is that if you inject a falsehood into the child's story at the level of factual truth, you can never be sure that you will be able to control the story later on and you might end up undermining the child's faith in the essential truth that you were so concerned about. Why not tell "both" truths - that the child comes from a different set of genetic material AND the child is loved just as much as a genetically related child would have been. This is an ontological foundation in which a the child can always feel secure even if it contains unknowns.

My parents used donor sperm and did not tell me until I was an adult. While I was upset with them for not telling me for so long, I don't feel like telling me did any harm whatsoever. My dad is an awesome dad, and I have never doubted his love for me, or thought that he could love me more if we were genetically related. However, he and I are very different. I always felt out of place with my dad's family, and I always felt bad that I was so unlike my dad. Knowing that he's not my genetic parent gave me an explanation for that, and in some ways, it made me feel much better. I do have a lot of curiousity about my donor, but it's more in a sense of wanting to know more about my genetic heritage as opposed to looking for my "real dad"--I know who my real dad is; he's the man who raised me and loves me.

Anonymous wrote:To play devil's advocate...I know general wisdom is to tell kids their history these days, but is it really better for the kids? Does it mess with their self-identify, especially in the teen years? Wouldn't it be better for the child to just assume they are biologically related to their parents?

We used donor sperm to conceive our DD, and I don't know what we'll tell her. We're still struggling with figuring out what really is best for her.

I realize that it would be harder to find out accidently, for example if God forbid there's a medical situation in which it comes out that a child isn't biologically related, but other than that, I don't see how the child would find out, especially if the parents are the only ones that know the truth.

There are two kinds of truth - the factual truth and the essential truth. I think a lot of people want to tell a lie at the level of factual truth - that the child is biologically related to them - in order to strengthen the essential truth - which is that the child is loved just the same as any genetically related child would be. The problem is that if you inject a falsehood into the child's story at the level of factual truth, you can never be sure that you will be able to control the story later on and you might end up undermining the child's faith in the essential truth that you were so concerned about. Why not tell "both" truths - that the child comes from a different set of genetic material AND the child is loved just as much as a genetically related child would have been. This is an ontological foundation in which a the child can always feel secure even if it contains unknowns.

I have a biological child and one conceived via donor egg. I went the donor egg route after numerous failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF where we only had 2 eggs to transfer (after all the drugs etc). THe clinic strongly suggested DE given my age (42). I looked into adoption first but due to various circumstances didn't go that way. I conceived the first time with DE. Best decision I ever made!

To play devil's advocate...I know general wisdom is to tell kids their history these days, but is it really better for the kids? Does it mess with their self-identify, especially in the teen years? Wouldn't it be better for the child to just assume they are biologically related to their parents?

We used donor sperm to conceive our DD, and I don't know what we'll tell her. We're still struggling with figuring out what really is best for her.

I realize that it would be harder to find out accidently, for example if God forbid there's a medical situation in which it comes out that a child isn't biologically related, but other than that, I don't see how the child would find out, especially if the parents are the only ones that know the truth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone know if there is a good children's book (picture book or very easy reader) that is aimed at helping explain to kids that they were conceived using donor eggs?

'

PP 23:21 again. I spent a couple of weeks looking up a number of books about donor eggs. I read the reviews on Amazon, I looked for other reviews and even look for "samples" from the book. We chose to buy "Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?" which seemed to be the best fit. I read it through when I got it and was satisfied that this would be a good fit for us when our twins are of age (they're 5 mo now).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0979276101/ref=oh_o00_s01_i00_details

Thanks for the link. I also liked the looks of Tabitha and Timothy Grow a Flower. We just got matched with our egg donor, so maybe I will have a reason to buy these soon.

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone know if there is a good children's book (picture book or very easy reader) that is aimed at helping explain to kids that they were conceived using donor eggs?

'

PP 23:21 again. I spent a couple of weeks looking up a number of books about donor eggs. I read the reviews on Amazon, I looked for other reviews and even look for "samples" from the book. We chose to buy "Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?" which seemed to be the best fit. I read it through when I got it and was satisfied that this would be a good fit for us when our twins are of age (they're 5 mo now).

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0979276101/ref=oh_o00_s01_i00_details

Does anyone know if there is a good children's book (picture book or very easy reader) that is aimed at helping explain to kids that they were conceived using donor eggs?

PP 23:21 here again. DW and I discussed the issues a lot about how and when to tell the children. We also spoke to professionals dealing with ARTS situations about how to discuss the issues. One of the key elements is that you need to discuss their history with them in the most age-appropriate way. Although we all want to shield our children from certain difficult truths, hiding those issues can end up causing greater problems if/when the truth comes out and it almost always comes out somewhere, somehow. You want your children to know that you do not think there is anything wrong with the way that they were conceived. You want them to know that you conceived them with love and with the best of intentions for them.

21:33/13:44. You need to let your second child know that she is no less yours despite the fact that it was not your egg. You tell her that for the love of her, you chose the way that would give her the best chance at a healthy life. That in fact the choice to not use your own egg was an act of love, the deep well of love that you have for both of your children.

For 00:21, unfortunately, as we know, there are no guarantees when it comes to genetics. While we know a lot more than we did 50 years ago, we're still just scratching the surface of genetics. As I said, my DW's father and paternal grandmother both had the same syndrome. In their case, there were no good treatments and they suffered severe vision loss in their later years that was very difficult. The treatments in the last 10 years alone have been staggering and yet, my wife still has significant complications. You have to talk with both of your children and let them know that all that you did for both of them, you did out of the overwhelming love you have for your children. It wasn't that you didn't want to have a child like him. You learned from your first experience, the same that all parents learn from their first child and make different decisions for a second and/or third child. Let him know that you became a better parent from learning to raise him. It's like how my parents used different parenting techniques on me (I'm the third) than they did on my siblings. They've often admitted that they didn't know what they were doing with my brother (the first) but they did know better by the time I came along.

If you raise them with love and truth, they will blossom in your care. Good luck to each of you.

I found this chain very intriguing, thank you. My husband and I are the opposite situation as one of the previous posters. I also have a genetic eye condition. Well, we now know it's genetic as my 9 month old son has it too. We met with a pediatric ophthalmologist prior to conceiving, and he thought it would not be genetic since no one else in my family has it. But I guess a fluke has to turn into genetics somewhere along the line. We would love to have another child but feel it would be irresponsible using my eggs knowing that the baby would likely have to undergo surgery as a newborn. We would definitely be happy just the three of us too...but we're looking into adoption and donor eggs just for the possibility. I'm worried that if we go with a donor egg, my biological child will think that we went out of our way to avoid having a baby like him. Breaks my heart thinking about it! Sorry, I know this post was originally just about IVF but I found the turn toward genetics interesting.

First responder here...we definitely plan on telling our children their history. It's definitely a worry in the back of my head that my child who was conceived using donor eggs will feel like she's "less mine"--scares the crap out of me...b/c she was the answer to all of our prayers. So I'm hoping up front and honest early on is the way to go. I need to do some homework on the best way to talk about it. It's my understanding that you should just raise your children with them knowing their history from the get-go (vs. springing it on them one day when they're 16).

OP here - thank you both for responding. To the first poster, with one biological child and one DE child, will you tell them their history? This is the situation we would be in, and I worry that the non-biological child might feel second-rate somehow, though of course he/she wouldn't be. Is this an issue you have thought about?

My wife has a genetic disorder that is genetically dominant and results in malformation of many parts of the eye. She was fortunate that the onset did not become serious for her until she was an adult, but through national support organizations, we have met children as young as 2 years old who have had serious onset, low vision and visual issues that have required surgery. She and one of her two siblings both have this syndrome (2 out of 3). Her father and paternal grandmother had it. That, plus we married later in life, we decided not to risk using her eggs (at over 40, we were also worried about more problems just from age). We decided to use and ED. We had one fresh cycle which resulted in two miscarriage (twins), two that did not survive thawing and two that resulted in a chemical pregnancy and did not take. We switched clinics and egg donors and the first try of the second fresh cycle resulted in twins that are now 5 months old. We selected a donor that had similar body type and look to my wife. And DW could hardly be happier (except with a little more sleep...). They are the joy of our lives. We had a long questionnaire, we got 3 photos of the donor as a toddler, adolescent and as a young teen to give us an idea of what she looked like. The questionnaire gives us an idea of her education, skills at arts, and her family medical history. There were a lot of things that matched up well with DW.

I used donor eggs after 5 failed IVFs and countless IUI's. Best decision we ever made. It worked for us on the first try. We went through Shady Grove and used a 2-1 share...which means another couple and us split eggs from one donor. It was a bit surreal choosing a donor, but Shady Grove provides couples with the 15 page questionnaire that the donor completes...so you can look at physical traits, education level, health history, etc. All of their donors go through a full health and pysch screening process and it's completely anonymous. I can't imagine feeling that a child is more mine. It has been wonderful...incidentally enough, my husband and I got pregnant on our own when our DD was 6 months...so now I'm due in 2 weeks. Good luck with your decision.

How did you decide to go the DE route? Did it work, and did it work on your first try? As I near 39, I am worried my eggs are getting old and am not sure how many I've cycles to do with my eggs. I also wonder about the donor, if she is mentally and physically healthy, etc. We have one child with my egg, but it was a long road of IUI and IVF treatments and I was only 35 then. I am not overly concerned about a genetic connection as I feel it is like adoption but I get to control the womb environment.