I'm the immediate PP. I really cannot relate to this desire of yours that your adopted child resemble you more. However, I have come up against moments where I wish I were more like my children.

My son is joyful and physically challenges himself in a way that I never did. I'm proud of him. I held myself back and wish I'd had more of his spirit growing up. Besides the most perfect complexion (sigh), my daughter also is very solid about getting her emotional needs met up front. I so admire that in her because I've lived too much of my life with a make-do, get-what's-offered sensibility. Her way is better and I wish I'd had it in me, growing up.

The connection I feel to them is based on the journey we share and the investment we make in each other as Family. Not any genetic connection. They're both gorgeous---taller than me, better builds, fabulous health, perfect vision. We hardly resemble one another. But since that's not what makes us family, it simply doesn't matter.

Anonymous wrote:All children, adopted or not, are their own independent people. They do not exist to reflect us, their parents, and the expectation that they should is a heck of a burden to put on their shoulders.

EXACTLY!! Amen.

My parents are obsessed with assigning ownership to each trait my children exhibit. Hey, what about acknowledging that they are their own people? That's my stance. In accepting them as individual and independent personalities, I am thrilled to learn who they are and watch them develop. I don't just sit back and wait for them to adhere to my own sense of where/what they should be/think/do based on whom they supposedly resemble.

I say this as a mom of two bio-children (if that's the term).

Anonymous wrote:All children, adopted or not, are their own independent people. They do not exist to reflect us, their parents, and the expectation that they should is a heck of a burden to put on their shoulders.

OP, why do you feel the need to see yourself in your child? Do you feel disconnected from her? Are you looking for some sort of immortality?

I'm an adoptee and I'm really horrified and uncomfortable by OP. My brother is a biological child and my mom used to laugh about how much more like her I was. But of course I had a very tough teenage time with her and being an adoptee plus being a teenager made things especially difficult. I'd encourage you to drop this line of inquiry. It's pretty damaging to your relationship with your child. Maybe it reflects a kind of insecurity within you, and that's not going to help you be a good parent of a teenager.

I thought this post would be about your adopted kids "looking" like you physically.... I have three bio kids and they have really distinct personalities. They are so different from me and my husband and between themselves that I am constantly amazed that we are even related
It's funny because they are also very different physically. People joke we have a Benetton family.
I have to say I sometimes wish "I" was more like my fearless son or more like my detailed oriented daughter or could do flips on the trampoline like my youngest and yes I sometimes wish that same fearless kid would get off the skateboard and come inside and read a book by my side because that is my favorite thing in the world. Or that the gymnast would love ballet like I do.
OP maybe you should try to see it the other way around and instead of wishing she was more like you think about the ways you would like to be more like her. But hey I also have a teenager and usually I feel more like killing him than applying this sage advice.

OP I understand what you are saying. My DD (adopted) if very outgoing and I am introverted. We approach life from different angles on every issue, and it can be really difficult for us to relate to each other. I don't think it is a matter of adoption vs. bio (I have bio children). I think it is clearly a profound difference in personality traits. Nevertheless, I am terrified how this lack of "connection" will affect her in later years (e.g., will she be one of the angry DCUM posters who hates her mom and how it will affect her ability to parent her own children some day).

Anonymous wrote:No but sometimes I do wish my bio child were a lot less like me.

Wish bio kid was a lot less like DH. A lot, lot less.

My child is very similar to us but if he was not, I would far more be grateful to be his mom than worry about him being like us. He has a great personality and I love Him just the way he is.

My sister and I are both bio children, but to be honest, my sister is so much like my mom (in every way) and I'm so much unlike both of them that if we weren't POSITIVE I wasn't switched at birth we'd swear I was adopted. I'm not kidding. I don't look like her, my personality is 180, and we have nothing in common. I love my mom, we're just way different. The point is that adopted or not, it might not have made any difference at all.

No but sometimes I do wish my bio child were a lot less like me.

All children, adopted or not, are their own independent people. They do not exist to reflect us, their parents, and the expectation that they should is a heck of a burden to put on their shoulders.

OP, why do you feel the need to see yourself in your child? Do you feel disconnected from her? Are you looking for some sort of immortality?

I am an adult adoptee and a parent to both an adopted child and a child through birth. My kids are still young, so I guess my feelings could change over time, but I don't wish either of them was more like me. I bet your child has a lot of your characteristics and traits too, but you just don't see them. I think nurture plays a bigger role than we give it credit for. I know with my sister and me, she's a lot like our (adoptive) dad and I'm a lot more like our (adoptive) mom.

A biological child doesn't guarantee sameness. My sister has 3 kids - one is just like her personality wise the other two not so much.

Honestly, I think its still the longing for a biological child that you are feeling.

I was my mom's bio child and had absolutely nothing in common with her. it definitely caused issues in my teen years! After she died, my dad remarried and had a baby with his new wife - they had to use a sperm donor because his un-vasectomy didn't take. That kid has so much in common with my dad, it is crazy. their voices even sound the same.

Biology isn't everything, but I do understand the urge to have a child who has your traits. (my daughter is the spitting image of her dad, so I get it!)

I have an adopted sibling. On the surface, there are some clear differences between members of the family, with shared characteristics among those of us who are biologically related. But now that we're adults, it's also very clear to me how much that sibling has turned out like both of our parents, and like the rest of us. We all have a strong shared inheritance from being a family.

I know this is an incendiary question. Obviously, a bio child can be very different from his/her parents. But the older my DD gets (early teens), I can't help but notice how opposite we are in personality, interests, etc. Of course, part of it is that most teens want to be the antithesis of their parents. But I sometimes I ask myself if I had been able to have a bio child if she would be more musical like me, love to read, be left handed, etc. I love her very much the way she is, but sometimes I can't help but wonder beyond looks, what a child might have inherited from me.