Anonymous
01/03/2012 08:45
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
Everyone has a father biologically so I think it is important to not ignore that fact. Also separating fathers out as being absent is wrong - mothers can be absent as well. I just say everyone has a mom and a dad but they don't always live together. and answer questions from there.
While it's true that everyone has a biological mother and father, that doesn't mean that adoptive parents use or should use the terms mom and dad for these people. To many, the terms mom or dad mean the person who raised you, who loves you, who cares for you, who has some level of involvement in your life, etc.
Anonymous
01/03/2012 01:54
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm a single adoptive mom and reading The Complete Single Mother. The author recommends in addition to the good advice given here pointing out that all families are different -- "Some of your friends have daddies, but others don't" They also recommend being in touch with the teacher to get a heads up on any family tree/family discussions.
Everyone has a father biologically so I think it is important to not ignore that fact. Also separating fathers out as being absent is wrong - mothers can be absent as well. I just say everyone has a mom and a dad but they don't always live together. and answer questions from there.
You obviously are not a single adoptive mom!
Anonymous
01/03/2012 01:01
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
Anonymous wrote:I'm a single adoptive mom and reading The Complete Single Mother. The author recommends in addition to the good advice given here pointing out that all families are different -- "Some of your friends have daddies, but others don't" They also recommend being in touch with the teacher to get a heads up on any family tree/family discussions.
Everyone has a father biologically so I think it is important to not ignore that fact. Also separating fathers out as being absent is wrong - mothers can be absent as well. I just say everyone has a mom and a dad but they don't always live together. and answer questions from there.
Anonymous
01/02/2012 20:27
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
I'm a single adoptive mom and reading The Complete Single Mother. The author recommends in addition to the good advice given here pointing out that all families are different -- "Some of your friends have daddies, but others don't" They also recommend being in touch with the teacher to get a heads up on any family tree/family discussions.
Anonymous
01/02/2012 00:35
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
Anonymous wrote:How old is your kid? Is he/she actually asking this, or are you trying to figure out what to say when the question does come up? Were you married or involved for a long time, or is the kid the product of a short-term relationship? (no judgment here - i got pregnant the *first* time I had sex with my ex; our relationship didn't withstand the surprise pregnancy.)
I'm not sure what to say. For a slightly older kid, something fairly close to the truth might work. "Having children is a big commitment. Your dad just wasn't ready for it. I was disappointed in him, but unfortunately, that's just the way it is. But you have me, and great family and friends - that's really all we need." For a young kid, you might just say, "Your dad lives in [wherever he lives]" and tell him/her about that state and point to it on the map. maybe say, "we don't live with your dad - some families are just one mommy or one daddy, while some have one of each."
I'm trying to figure out what the hell to say to my daughter if she ever asks why her dad and I don't live in the same house. I'm also trying to figure out what to say if she ever asks if Dad and I were married, because we weren't. I really don't want to go down the "you were an accident, but an ultimately-awesome one" road. Ugh. on the bright side, my situation could make for a great "hey, birth control is not foolproof" argument. lol. Good luck.
OP here thanks. I have some time (years) but need to have my game plan ready. Thanks to the PP on the family tree my father did not know either of his parents that tree would have been horrible.
Anonymous
01/01/2012 22:45
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
Adoptive mom of three kids for whom I have no information about their fathers. With my kids, this came up a lot between the ages of about 3.5 and maybe six or seven. I just kept it simple and said "I don't know" or "last information I had , he was . . .". Every now and then, they would make up stories about some fantasy dad. I would just ask"is that how you would have liked it to be?". The way I've always thought about it is this. I truly don't know the answers to my kids' questions. I will neither romanticize their past nor vilify the people who gave them up. It's not that I don't judge in my own mind. But, I don't think it's fair to pass along my assumptions to my kids.
Unlike PP, I would never say something like he/she proposes about the father not being ready for the commitment. I might feel that way, again, I'm going to let my kids reach their own conclusions with the information they gather through their lives, including what I know and can share with them.
One thing I will add. Based on your question, I am assuming that your child hasn't hit the point in school where family trees and family history is a big topic. These issues hit really hard When these assignments come up. If you can, you might want to find out from parents of older kids when you can expect these assignments so you are not blindsided.
Unlike PP, I would never say something like he/she proposes about the father not being ready for the commitment. I might feel that way, again, I'm going to let my kids reach their own conclusions with the information they gather through their lives, including what I know and can share with them.
One thing I will add. Based on your question, I am assuming that your child hasn't hit the point in school where family trees and family history is a big topic. These issues hit really hard When these assignments come up. If you can, you might want to find out from parents of older kids when you can expect these assignments so you are not blindsided.
Anonymous
01/01/2012 22:43
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
Anonymous wrote:How old is your kid? Is he/she actually asking this, or are you trying to figure out what to say when the question does come up? Were you married or involved for a long time, or is the kid the product of a short-term relationship? (no judgment here - i got pregnant the *first* time I had sex with my ex; our relationship didn't withstand the surprise pregnancy.)
I'm not sure what to say. For a slightly older kid, something fairly close to the truth might work. "Having children is a big commitment. Your dad just wasn't ready for it. I was disappointed in him, but unfortunately, that's just the way it is. But you have me, and great family and friends - that's really all we need." For a young kid, you might just say, "Your dad lives in [wherever he lives]" and tell him/her about that state and point to it on the map. maybe say, "we don't live with your dad - some families are just one mommy or one daddy, while some have one of each."
I'm trying to figure out what the hell to say to my daughter if she ever asks why her dad and I don't live in the same house. I'm also trying to figure out what to say if she ever asks if Dad and I were married, because we weren't. I really don't want to go down the "you were an accident, but an ultimately-awesome one" road. Ugh. on the bright side, my situation could make for a great "hey, birth control is not foolproof" argument. lol. Good luck.
I think the bolded part is great advice.
Anonymous
01/01/2012 22:10
Subject: Re:Where's daddy
How old is your kid? Is he/she actually asking this, or are you trying to figure out what to say when the question does come up? Were you married or involved for a long time, or is the kid the product of a short-term relationship? (no judgment here - i got pregnant the *first* time I had sex with my ex; our relationship didn't withstand the surprise pregnancy.)
I'm not sure what to say. For a slightly older kid, something fairly close to the truth might work. "Having children is a big commitment. Your dad just wasn't ready for it. I was disappointed in him, but unfortunately, that's just the way it is. But you have me, and great family and friends - that's really all we need." For a young kid, you might just say, "Your dad lives in [wherever he lives]" and tell him/her about that state and point to it on the map. maybe say, "we don't live with your dad - some families are just one mommy or one daddy, while some have one of each."
I'm trying to figure out what the hell to say to my daughter if she ever asks why her dad and I don't live in the same house. I'm also trying to figure out what to say if she ever asks if Dad and I were married, because we weren't. I really don't want to go down the "you were an accident, but an ultimately-awesome one" road. Ugh. on the bright side, my situation could make for a great "hey, birth control is not foolproof" argument. lol. Good luck.
I'm not sure what to say. For a slightly older kid, something fairly close to the truth might work. "Having children is a big commitment. Your dad just wasn't ready for it. I was disappointed in him, but unfortunately, that's just the way it is. But you have me, and great family and friends - that's really all we need." For a young kid, you might just say, "Your dad lives in [wherever he lives]" and tell him/her about that state and point to it on the map. maybe say, "we don't live with your dad - some families are just one mommy or one daddy, while some have one of each."
I'm trying to figure out what the hell to say to my daughter if she ever asks why her dad and I don't live in the same house. I'm also trying to figure out what to say if she ever asks if Dad and I were married, because we weren't. I really don't want to go down the "you were an accident, but an ultimately-awesome one" road. Ugh. on the bright side, my situation could make for a great "hey, birth control is not foolproof" argument. lol. Good luck.
Anonymous
01/01/2012 21:36
Subject: Where's daddy
Whats the least painful answer. Dad has never met kid and has no interest. TIA