I guess that these men don't want gifts themselves, and so don't understand why somebody else would want them. I've been thinking myself that there is so much I make my family do that they don't really care about. Gifts. Entertainment. Socializing. Clean houses. Maybe it is best to just not only accept that they won't give me gifts, but to accept that they really wouldn't mind if I didn't give them a gift. They think of me more as a room mate than a family. A nice room mate. But still, just somebody to help share the bills and to chat with occasionally.

Anonymous wrote:OP, was he a thoughtful gift-giver before you got married?

OP here--
no, he wasn't. Which was okay at the time because I honestly am very low maintenance and during the beginning years of our relationship (the first 5 or 7 at least) it didn't bother me that he isn't thoughtful when it comes to getting gifts. But now a decade later and I'm feeling sort of worn out. I bore this man 3 children and have done all sorts of things for him and the best he can do, year after year is the December 22nd completely generic $20 crappy token "holy crap, I have to get her something and Christmas is 2 days away!" gift.
I guess I'm feeling just generally uncherished. It's the same for birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine's day and everything else. I'm just a bit beaten down and feeling sorry for myself.

And he's not the type to ever do something thoughtful like get me a cup of morning coffee like a previous poster mentioned. He's a great provider and a great dad and I have no fears that he'll ever leave me. He's slow and steady and committed. But he's never been physically or emotionally demonstrative and has never made me feel special or cherished (aside from the fact that I know he's incredibly committed to me which I don't want to under credit him for).

I know I took this way off course. Please don't flame me.

While dating, my husband bought me a book titled "How Dogs Think".

He had a dog, and I was new to dogs so he was trying to have me more comfortable with dogs, but still...not exactly a romantic gift. The gift giving hasn't improved from there.

I've accepted that gifts just isn't his strong suit. He loves me and shows it in a million ways, but gifts just isn't one of them.

OP, was he a thoughtful gift-giver before you got married?

Anonymous wrote:I know this is annoying. Every year on Christmas morning I we open up presents and there are basically none for me - because I buy all of the presents. On the few occasions that my husband has tried and bought me something, the gifts have been so completely random that I wonder who he really thinks I am.

That being said, he is a great husband in every other way so I look on this with amusement. He is bad at picking out gifts for everyone, not just me, so I know that it is not a personal slight. I now feel free to get myself a few nice things that I like, wrap them up, put them under the tree, and when I open them declare, "I love it, honey. Its just what I wanted." We laugh and I get what I want.

Same here (except that I don't wrap my own gifts, LOL). My DH gets me something I ask for if I ask for it; otherwise, nothing or something token. And never jewelry.

Years ago it upset me but now I recognize that it's just not his forte, and that I love so many other things about him. I wouldn't trade him making dinner most nights, or bringing me coffee in the shower every morning for being a better gift-giver.

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. My husband is the same way. He tried to say we shouldn't give each other gifts this year and we should use the money for our bathroom remodel. Uh, no. We usually give each other $30-50 gifts and that's not going to put a dent in the bathroom remodel. I did buy some things for myself that I will wrap and put under the tree, but I really want him to put in at least a little effort!

Your husband could be me- I told mine no gifts this year b/c finishing our bathroom will be our gift. I do know he got me some earrings as a stocking stuffer though.

I hear you OP. My husband is the same way. He tried to say we shouldn't give each other gifts this year and we should use the money for our bathroom remodel. Uh, no. We usually give each other $30-50 gifts and that's not going to put a dent in the bathroom remodel. I did buy some things for myself that I will wrap and put under the tree, but I really want him to put in at least a little effort!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I'm honestly not materialistic ...

"honestly" ?

“...We need to become freer and freer of the attachment to our own smallness in which we get occupied with me-me-me. Pondering on large ideas or standing in front of things which remind us of a vast scale can free us from acquisitiveness and competitiveness and from our likes and dislikes. If we sit with an increasing stillness of the body, and attune our mind to the sky or to the ocean or to the myriad stars at night, or any other indicators of vastness, the mind gradually stills and the heart is filled with quiet joy. Also recalling our own experiences in which we acted generously or with compassion for the simple delight of it without expectation of any gain can give us more confidence in the existence of a deeper goodness from which we may deviate. (39)”
? Ravi Ravindra, The Wisdom of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras

She CLEARLY wants to feel THOUGHT of, it's not about materialism but wanting to feel like her DH still cherishes her and puts some thought into the little things.

Anonymous wrote: I'm honestly not materialistic ...

"honestly" ?

“...We need to become freer and freer of the attachment to our own smallness in which we get occupied with me-me-me. Pondering on large ideas or standing in front of things which remind us of a vast scale can free us from acquisitiveness and competitiveness and from our likes and dislikes. If we sit with an increasing stillness of the body, and attune our mind to the sky or to the ocean or to the myriad stars at night, or any other indicators of vastness, the mind gradually stills and the heart is filled with quiet joy. Also recalling our own experiences in which we acted generously or with compassion for the simple delight of it without expectation of any gain can give us more confidence in the existence of a deeper goodness from which we may deviate. (39)”
? Ravi Ravindra, The Wisdom of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras

Why don't you give him a wish list? Give him a lot of things to choose from so you'll still have a bit of a surprise.

Awww sorry. No, it's not just about the kids - you deserve to feel cherished and thought about as well. I would honestly have a serious heart to heart with him, after the holidays are over. It's not about making him feel guilty so try not to ... but tell him that you really need him to make a little more of an effort in your relationship. You may be a mom, and maybe you've been married for a while, but you still long to feel cherished and special once in a while. Men can be dense. Tell him you'd really like to work on that aspect of your relationship. It's not selfish - your happiness and the happiness you have as a married couple creates the foundation for your family.

I buy my own jewelry as my Christmas gift.

I know this is annoying. Every year on Christmas morning I we open up presents and there are basically none for me - because I buy all of the presents. On the few occasions that my husband has tried and bought me something, the gifts have been so completely random that I wonder who he really thinks I am.

That being said, he is a great husband in every other way so I look on this with amusement. He is bad at picking out gifts for everyone, not just me, so I know that it is not a personal slight. I now feel free to get myself a few nice things that I like, wrap them up, put them under the tree, and when I open them declare, "I love it, honey. Its just what I wanted." We laugh and I get what I want.

I hear you. My husband sucks too at gift giving. I get lotion sets every single year. This is like 7 years in a row. I still have some shower gel from a set he got me when we were dating. Like 8 years ago. I don't want it!
Last year he got me nothing. Nada. Zip. Didn't even make one ounce of effort. Soooooo, at least this year I know he actually went out and purchased something. And it's not lotion, I can already tell, so we're making progress. But I do know what the gifts are cuz I asked specifically for them!!

My husband just stinks at gift giving. I'm honestly not materialistic but his lack of gift buying efforts bums me out each year.
Last night i know he tried to find something on Amazon. He told me today he doesn't know what to buy me. He was going to get a robe or pajamas.
I don't need or want either. I have more pajamas than i know what to do with. I got 3 robes over the past 2 years from my mom and MIL and gave them all away. (how many robes does a person need?)

In 10 years of marriage he has never given me a piece of jewelry. I would LOVE jewelry. I have told him such. We have the money. He just doesn't want to put in the time or effort it would take to find something. I found something I liked this year. I spontaneously tried it on. He knew about it but didn't act on it. It's no longer available.

I'm okay with all of this but part of me is just bummed out. I want to feel cherished and like he cares enough to buy me something special. Anything. He could buy me ANY jewelry and I would be happy but he just doesn't. It's not the even the item that would mean something--it's the act of purchasing.

okay, vent over. I just told him not to buy me anything which I do at least every other year when we go through this whole song-and-dance again and again. Christmas is about our kids anyway.