Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks, everyone. I appreciate the advice. It helps me avoid doing something rash, like confronting him right now, just before the holidays. And you're right; it wouldn't make a difference as far as the marriage is concerned at this point. DC is in elementary school, old enough to pick up on things. So, I will avoid anything that will cause undue tension for now and work to get everything in order so that I can transition in a timely fashion. Thanks!

Good conclusion. But we know this hurts take care of yourself

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I do hope you are taking care of yourself and have consulted a lawyer - that's part of taking care of yourself. Best of luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks, everyone. I appreciate the advice. It helps me avoid doing something rash, like confronting him right now, just before the holidays. And you're right; it wouldn't make a difference as far as the marriage is concerned at this point. DC is in elementary school, old enough to pick up on things. So, I will avoid anything that will cause undue tension for now and work to get everything in order so that I can transition in a timely fashion. Thanks!

Good conclusion. But we know this hurts take care of yourself

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me ask you something, if he said that he was not having an affair, would it make the marriage any better? Or, if he was, would it make it any worse? The marriage is in trouble one way or the other. I know this sounds simplistic because an affair would add another layer, but on a practical basis, does it really matter?

I agree with this post. I think you need to really question why you want to know if he is having an affair. Its seems that you are resigned yourself to the fact that the marriage is ending so why cause yourself any angst. If fact, unless the two of you are having sex (I am guessing not) then you are already separated (even if not legally). If I were in your shoes I would focus my energy and maintaining a civil household also instead of spending your time checking his phone or giving him the third degree how about using that time to asses your finances and your legal rights/options in case he moves out and files for divorce.

BTW, I tend to agree with your husband that by focusing on whether he is having an affair your are avaoid the larger issue of why the marriage is in trouble in the first place. He has already told you that he is unhappy so much so that he is willing to end the marriage. If the marriage is salvagable and you want to salvage it then maybe at least try to find out why he is so unhappy that he wants to end the marriage. This will also be an opportunity to address the state of your happiness.

OP here again--I hear you. This is helpful. Thanks.

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me ask you something, if he said that he was not having an affair, would it make the marriage any better? Or, if he was, would it make it any worse? The marriage is in trouble one way or the other. I know this sounds simplistic because an affair would add another layer, but on a practical basis, does it really matter?

I agree with this post. I think you need to really question why you want to know if he is having an affair. Its seems that you are resigned yourself to the fact that the marriage is ending so why cause yourself any angst. If fact, unless the two of you are having sex (I am guessing not) then you are already separated (even if not legally). If I were in your shoes I would focus my energy and maintaining a civil household also instead of spending your time checking his phone or giving him the third degree how about using that time to asses your finances and your legal rights/options in case he moves out and files for divorce.

BTW, I tend to agree with your husband that by focusing on whether he is having an affair your are avaoid the larger issue of why the marriage is in trouble in the first place. He has already told you that he is unhappy so much so that he is willing to end the marriage. If the marriage is salvagable and you want to salvage it then maybe at least try to find out why he is so unhappy that he wants to end the marriage. This will also be an opportunity to address the state of your happiness.

OP here - thanks, everyone. I appreciate the advice. It helps me avoid doing something rash, like confronting him right now, just before the holidays. And you're right; it wouldn't make a difference as far as the marriage is concerned at this point. DC is in elementary school, old enough to pick up on things. So, I will avoid anything that will cause undue tension for now and work to get everything in order so that I can transition in a timely fashion. Thanks!

I agree with maintaining the status quo until after the holidays. Tho then before you ask him about an affair, you need to see a lawyer and get your finances in order. If it's true (and since he wants out already wether or not he is having one) then one of you needs to move out at that point.

OP, let me ask you something, if he said that he was not having an affair, would it make the marriage any better? Or, if he was, would it make it any worse? The marriage is in trouble one way or the other. I know this sounds simplistic because an affair would add another layer, but on a practical basis, does it really matter?

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old is DC? It's Christmastime and life throws enough s*** at you that I'd not do anything to envoke some bad memories for your child during this time. If it were me, I'd wait until after the holidays. I say this as the mother of a preschooler who loves Christmas. I can't guarantee that a grandparent or friend or even myself or her dad won't die, get in a bad wreck, get very ill, you name it, won't happen around this time of year. I can control how I treat people. If I was thinking of doing something that would make our home unpleasant, I'd not do it now. Wait until Feb. or March.

I think that is wise advice.

OP - have you done anything to protect yourself? Get a lawyer? As far as an affair - have you check cell phone records to see numbers called?

Sorry you're going through all this.

OP, how old is DC? It's Christmastime and life throws enough s*** at you that I'd not do anything to envoke some bad memories for your child during this time. If it were me, I'd wait until after the holidays. I say this as the mother of a preschooler who loves Christmas. I can't guarantee that a grandparent or friend or even myself or her dad won't die, get in a bad wreck, get very ill, you name it, won't happen around this time of year. I can control how I treat people. If I was thinking of doing something that would make our home unpleasant, I'd not do it now. Wait until Feb. or March.

Why is it all your fault?

I would guess that both are true. There is infidelity but caused by profound unhappiness in the marriage. Is this the first you have heard of his unhappiness? Have yup been happy?

DH told me several months ago that he wants to end the marriage after more than 15 years. According to him, basically everything was my fault and I should have known he was unhappy. I'm accepting my part in this, but it has been an emotional roller coaster. We're still living in the same house (sleeping in separate rooms) with no actual separation date in sight. I've wondered about infidelity on his part but haven't been able to confront him directly. The one time I tried, he refused to answer because he thought I wasn't getting the larger issue of why he was unhappy with our marriage. I strongly suspect something is going on and have a big urge to confront him again. I guess I'm hesitant because I know he will react in a very unfavorable way to the question, and this could damage the fragile equilibrium we have at home with our DC. Right now we're very civil to each other most of the time. If I bring up this question, I think the civility will go out of the window for a while. There won't be huge arguments, probably just the silent treatment. So, that's why I'm hesitant. On the other hand, of course, these questions nag at me, and it's hard for me behave as if everything's okay. Should I just hang in there quietly until we actually separate? This has been so hard. It shakes one's foundation. I can relate to and appreciate what I've read in some similar threads. TIA for any advice or similar experiences.