OP here forgot to mention to 21:36..It was the mother who was the alcoholic and the father was out of the picture-left and remarried. He was happy to keep a low profile until we had kids and then suddenly his expectations changed and he has yet to even show empathy for what he left my husband to deal with or even to say he wished he could have been there for him and his other children.

OP again...to 21:36..was it hard for your husband to come around to this? In our situation as soon as they start up it makes him physically ill and even though he knows the gathering would be worse, it just brings back all the memories and makes them seem recent. He's probably the nicest one of the bunch and i feel like they are going to do him in if they don't get over themselves and stop this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We are talking about an abusive alcoholic who drank through my husband's childhood and made him be the parent. There was a lot of neglect and emotional abuse. Nobody wants to admit this all happened. We try to distance and the dram ensues.

Change your holiday tradition and take your family away for the holidays. I'm assuming this was either his mother or father? We have a similar situation in my family. I do not allow them to control our holidays.

Anonymous wrote:UGH please. Toxic people are the ones that keep up 'silent treatment' to each other essentially ripping a family in two.

DO YOU have any idea how difficult it is to constantly have to worry about family events because TWO selfish people can't make nice for even one family event per year?

GET OVER YOURSELF. GROW UP.

Let me guess...you are one who starts dramas and doesn't take a hint when people decline your invitations. People do "silent treatment" because they don't want to deal with you and your drama. They refuse to give in to your temper tantrums.

Anonymous wrote:In real life we're not friends with everyone in our neighborhoods, everyone we go to school with, everyone we go to college with, everyone we work with, everyone we meet from day to day. We have have very different personalities and temperaments, being part of a family should mean that we all love one another & get along, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. There are so many dynamics at play it is impossible for things to be all rainbows & puppy dogs. Not everyone is all "there" most of the time either, you never know what personal, work, family, or medical issues someone is dealing with that you are not aware of, not to mention any chemical imbalances.

So really, it's just life and it's not easy. If you know what to expect the best you can do is to prepare yourself and allow people to be human. Be kind and know the holidays are difficult enough without the expectation that we all be perfect and live up to some unattainable expectable the you, OP, are putting on us.

Very nicely said.

OP here. We are talking about an abusive alcoholic who drank through my husband's childhood and made him be the parent. There was a lot of neglect and emotional abuse. Nobody wants to admit this all happened. We try to distance and the dram ensues.

Anonymous wrote:In real life we're not friends with everyone in our neighborhoods, everyone we go to school with, everyone we go to college with, everyone we work with, everyone we meet from day to day. We have have very different personalities and temperaments, being part of a family should mean that we all love one another & get along, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. There are so many dynamics at play it is impossible for things to be all rainbows & puppy dogs. Not everyone is all "there" most of the time either, you never know what personal, work, family, or medical issues someone is dealing with that you are not aware of, not to mention any chemical imbalances.

So really, it's just life and it's not easy. If you know what to expect the best you can do is to prepare yourself and allow people to be human. Be kind and know the holidays are difficult enough without the expectation that we all be perfect and live up to some unattainable expectable the you, OP, are putting on us.

Expectation

sorry

Silent treatment assholes are the worst. Get over your petty crap so that people can work out logistics of living. Let go of your invisible sense of power. Swallow your pride and grow up, indeed. Stop acting like toddlers who think that if the game isn't played their way, nobody plays! Life is too short for your silent "test of wills".

In real life we're not friends with everyone in our neighborhoods, everyone we go to school with, everyone we go to college with, everyone we work with, everyone we meet from day to day. We have have very different personalities and temperaments, being part of a family should mean that we all love one another & get along, but that is the farthest thing from the truth. There are so many dynamics at play it is impossible for things to be all rainbows & puppy dogs. Not everyone is all "there" most of the time either, you never know what personal, work, family, or medical issues someone is dealing with that you are not aware of, not to mention any chemical imbalances.

So really, it's just life and it's not easy. If you know what to expect the best you can do is to prepare yourself and allow people to be human. Be kind and know the holidays are difficult enough without the expectation that we all be perfect and live up to some unattainable expectable the you, OP, are putting on us.

I agree with 21:23. If people don't want to be there, why invite them?

Two selfish people? So if one party was physically and verbally abusive to the other you think they should suck it up and go? Cut offs usually stem from long term abuse.

"DO YOU have any idea how difficult it is to constantly have to worry about family events because TWO selfish people can't make nice for even one family event per year?"

Why do they continue to be invited?

UGH please. Toxic people are the ones that keep up 'silent treatment' to each other essentially ripping a family in two.

DO YOU have any idea how difficult it is to constantly have to worry about family events because TWO selfish people can't make nice for even one family event per year?

GET OVER YOURSELF. GROW UP.

Passive aggressive? What's passive about my post?

Is this post a "drama" in and of itself or passive aggressive?

Do you realize the effect you have on people? Do you understand that the stress of this bullshit can affect people's healthy? Is the need for control that strong? Do you think you can force people to adore you even if you are nasty and gossipy? If a family has distanced themselves from you why keep pursuing and abusing over and over? Does it give you a high to harass people?

My family for the most part doesn't do this sht so it's hard for me to understand. I have no interest in pursuing people who don't want to be with me so I can't understand why people would keep it up. I also cannot imagine being emotionally abusive toward anyone, even someone I don't like. If I don't like you, I just don't spend time with you, but I don't wish to make anyone miserable. Do some people really enjoy making others miserable?

Even worse, why on earth do some family members try to intervene to re-connect two parties knowing the nastiness that goes on. Is it important to you that family stick together even if someone is verbally abusive?

Ah yes joy of in-laws and the holidays.