Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should have clarified, this is a Meetup group, so the website automatically does the whole RSVP and wait list thing. I forget that other moms' groups are not through Meetup. The dynamic is a little strange, for sure, but I like having opportunities for my kids to socialize with other kids and to meet other moms in my area. I am not from here and have no local friends. I'm just starting to meet some other moms in my neighborhood/town, mostly through the group but not exclusively.

I guess my question could be made more general: is it rude to commit to attend something and then change your mind at the last minute for a non-emergency reason? I think it is, but what I'm seeing is telling me that this is just how a lot of people operate these days. Just wondering if anyone else thinks it is important to honor commitments even for events that aren't expensive or "special."

The problem is Meet Up. The general feel about Meet Up is that RSVPs are not binding in the way that personal invitations (e.g., through email or the phone) are.

OP again. I can see that. I try to always go unless there is a genuine emergency (or else change my RSVP far enough in advance that another mom can attend) but I can accept that other people don't feel bound by their RSVPs and plan around it. I think in the future I will just open up events at my house to a slightly higher number of moms so that there will still be good attendance even with a cancellation or two. Right now it is so much easier to schedule something using Meetup than via email, FB, etc., especially since I am still working on getting to know more people and making friends here.

what i do when this happens is trust that the other person had a very good reason to do what they did. that works for me!

For me the rudeness question depends on the culture of the group. If others agree with you, I suggest spelling out the rules on the website. I wouldn't necessarily think it was rude not to show for a meet up, but if I saw that the group had a rule that rsvp=show up or you are putting other people out, I would definitely either follow the rules or find another group that was more lax.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I should have clarified, this is a Meetup group, so the website automatically does the whole RSVP and wait list thing. I forget that other moms' groups are not through Meetup. The dynamic is a little strange, for sure, but I like having opportunities for my kids to socialize with other kids and to meet other moms in my area. I am not from here and have no local friends. I'm just starting to meet some other moms in my neighborhood/town, mostly through the group but not exclusively.

I guess my question could be made more general: is it rude to commit to attend something and then change your mind at the last minute for a non-emergency reason? I think it is, but what I'm seeing is telling me that this is just how a lot of people operate these days. Just wondering if anyone else thinks it is important to honor commitments even for events that aren't expensive or "special."

The problem is Meet Up. The general feel about Meet Up is that RSVPs are not binding in the way that personal invitations (e.g., through email or the phone) are.

I think people are probably more likely to blow off a playdate that is organized through meetup than if it were organized with three friends. Maybe you just need to switch out of this group.

OP here. I should have clarified, this is a Meetup group, so the website automatically does the whole RSVP and wait list thing. I forget that other moms' groups are not through Meetup. The dynamic is a little strange, for sure, but I like having opportunities for my kids to socialize with other kids and to meet other moms in my area. I am not from here and have no local friends. I'm just starting to meet some other moms in my neighborhood/town, mostly through the group but not exclusively.

I guess my question could be made more general: is it rude to commit to attend something and then change your mind at the last minute for a non-emergency reason? I think it is, but what I'm seeing is telling me that this is just how a lot of people operate these days. Just wondering if anyone else thinks it is important to honor commitments even for events that aren't expensive or "special."

Agree. These aren't business meetings or dinner parties. Sometimes a kid is just having a bad day and it's clear s/he will be a terror rather than a good playmate. I learned the hard way to make that call once in a while.

OP, you have way too much time on your hands and over-thinking, over-doing, over-investing in playdates. I am stunned by the RSVP, wait-list description you are providing. IME, playdates have been very casual affairs--quick email to friend: "Are you free on Friday afternoon for a playdate? Let me know, or we can try to find some other time to get the kiddos together." People do cancel at the last minute, usually if a kid is sick. Not a big deal. There is some cleaning/picking up involved, but nothing major. I have coffee on hand for the adults, and snacks for the kids.

What is there to stress out about?

Anonymous wrote:Your entire play date (or whatever this is??) system seems way too complex to begin with. Waiting list?? People RSVPing (or not) based on the ages of the other RSVPers?

What about just getting together casually with friends because you enjoy hanging out together?

I agree with this.

Do you have to invite the people who always cancel and never host?

I think it's fine. Sometimes life with kids can be a little screwy!

Your entire play date (or whatever this is??) system seems way too complex to begin with. Waiting list?? People RSVPing (or not) based on the ages of the other RSVPers?

What about just getting together casually with friends because you enjoy hanging out together?

I never did moms' groups. The dynamics were not my style. I preferred more intimate--a couple of moms that clicked and their kids. The closer people are the less likely you are to get people flaking out. I was fortunate to meet a couple of great moms at a pilatesandbaby's kid class and we got together on a regular basis. I think with moms' groups that are big they don't feel an obligation because they figure there will be a bunch of ppl there anyways. I think of playdates as very casual so I am not upset if somebody cancels last minute for whatever reason. But again, I didn't host huge playdates and they weren't a huge ordeal to do.

I think if it's for a casual playdate like at your house or a local park, as long as one kid shows up, that's enough. I hate it too, when people are not reliable, but unfortunately that's just life sometimes. Now if the playdate was at a gym or something and you had to pay for the cancelled people, you have every right to be annoyed. And if the same people are always the ones who cancel, take them off the list if it bugs you.

(I can sympathize, by the way - we had a couple of no-shows at my daughter's birthday, which annoyed me because I had had to limit my guest list and would have liked to invite a couple other kids if I'd known.)

I'm not talking about a true emergency such as having a sick child. Those things happen to all of us and of course I understand that. But in the moms' group I am part of, it seems that there are multiple last-minute cancellations for every single event. They are not all sick children. Usually people put forth some sort of excuse, even if it's just "something came up," but I'm fairly certain that these are not all what I would consider legitimate excuses. I find this rude, especially to the person who is hosting the event, and particularly if the person is hosting the event in their home (as many of them are). Most of the playdate-type events are limited to a certain number of moms, for space reasons, and although there is a waiting list system, a very last-minute cancellation (e.g. late the night before or morning of) keeps other people from attending. I live in a townhouse and have been limiting it to 3 other moms, but inevitably only 2 will show. A lot of times people will RSVP to a playdate based in part on the ages and sexes of the other children who will be there, so if someone doesn't show up, the mix of kids might be awkward. Which again, is fine if there is a legitimate reason for the cancellation, but otherwise it is rude. I host a playdate every other week, and I am rushing around like a madwoman trying to get things cleaned up before people come over, and then I get these last-minute cancellations and I'm like, why do I even bother if people consider my time less valuable than theirs?

I'm not exaggerating when I say that there is at least one and usually multiple cancellations for each event, no matter who is hosting. I think some of the other hosts are bothered by it too -- as the people who cancel at the last minute tend not to be the ones who host. Am I expecting too much for people to follow through on their commitments? I have read threads about this happening for birthday parties too, which is part of the reason we have never hosted one. I would hate for any of my kids to be so excited about a party and then have people flake out at the last minute. Am I wrong that this is exceedingly rude, whether for a birthday party or any other event for which you have made a commitment to attend?