I'm not sure about how to handle any specific situation, however...

Although I was always a quite shy, maybe "needy" of friendships (or so I thought), my parents always said -- even out of context sometimes --

You deserve to be treated politely and with respect. No matter what. You never have to be friends with anyone who doesn't treat you this way. You are so great, and we love you!!! And if someone is really, really mean and will not stop, you do what you have to do - if you kick 'em, we won't punish you! (I only kicked once as a kindergartener -- I have to say, it solved the problem right then and there).

You know, that sort of thing. Getting picked or snarked on wasn't a recurring problem (though it happens to everyone occasionally, hopefully rarely). Sometimes the mean kids even wanted to be my friends, go figure. Teachers usually sat them next to me; I guess they figured I could handle myself.

OP, we were in a similar situation in kindergarten. My DD would continually approach girls who were consistently mean to her—excluding her from play/name calling. The teacher was informed of this, but teachers can’t be everywhere all the time and ours did little to nothing to step in unless it got physical. Depending on how egregious the mean behavior is, you will want to inform the teacher, school counselor, principal, and/or bus driver as needed.

Maybe have the following conversation with her preferably regarding a recent incident that you have witnessed so you have the facts:
--How does it make you feel when “Susie” won’t let you play/calls you names/pushes you…
--Is that what a friend does?
--Does “Janie” do that? (If answer is “No.”) Do you like playing with “Janie?” If answer is “Yes,” then suggest she plays with a child who does not act meanly toward her. Try to schedule play dates with peers that act nicer to try and cement those friendships.

DD still gravitated to the kids who didn’t treat her that nicely but with the new school year, it was a different mix of kids and this wasn’t so much of a problem. Maybe try to find an assertiveness training for young children? Good luck.

I know a elementary aged girl who is unreasonably controlled (micromanaged) at home, so she tries to be bossy around other children. Her parents happen to be attention seekers (they would never admit this). favorable. Both situations are a huge disservice to her, as she doesn't have a good grasp on what should be happening socially. It is sad to see. As a result, she has a hard time making new friends because the other girls don't want to be bossed around. It that situation, the home life needs a rather huge change. Who knows what happens behind closed doors, really. GL OP, it sounds difficult. Does she have one good friend? She doesn't need to be in the middle of everything, just have one good friend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, First of all, I'm calling them "mean girls" to YOU, the adults on this board, so that's not the problem.

More importantly, my DD is well aware of what makes a good friend, what doesn't etc. Despite that she's still naive, so being a good parent, and be a bit more sophisticated than her, I really do need to find a way to steer her to the other girls, and AWAY from this one girl. So, am looking for language so that I don't talk to her about "mean girls." And I do feel like my DD has this thing for girls that aren't nice -- maybe they are more visible or something. Anyway, I will of course, reinforce, the "what makes a good friend" talk, but I wish she wouldnt go after this one girl at all. She's truly, truly a very mean girl, yes, at 7 or 8!

Then this is a bullying issue that needs to be nipped in the bud.

People put down Catholic schools on this board, but as a public school teacher, I can honestly say that my daughter's K-8 nips bullying in the bud. They are proactive by building in a program to address bullying that's K-8. I know of a few cliques of girls who have weekly sessions with the guidance counselor.

Kids who bully are bullied at home. And although this is a sad fact, you can't personally handle the situation yourself. It's a school issue. If she's bullying one, she's bullying others. So allow the school to look into it, as perhaps there are issues at home.

So do the straight talk. It's bullying flat out, and kids do it b/c they're insecure and feel the need to control their environment. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way, too. So if the school knows, there are ways to teach the child compassion. She's in 2nd grade. They're still very young, which means they can UNlearn some nasty habits.

That might be it some of the time but I know a few "mean girls" and they are actually anything but bullied but they are used to being the queen bee in their home and getting their way and they just learned to be loud and obnoxious to get what they want.

PP, it's essentially the same thing - whether you're outwardly bullied as a kid or enabled to such an extent that you feel as though no one cares.

Bullying is a cry for help. Spoiled kids are abused IMHO.

Now, having said that, I would DEFINITELY equip my kid with ways to handle it. I tell my daughter to surround herself with nice kids who are welcoming, as there's safety in numbers! There's also a child in her grade (2nd) who doesn't have any friends. Each day I remind her to play with her b/c a little compassion can go a long way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, First of all, I'm calling them "mean girls" to YOU, the adults on this board, so that's not the problem.

More importantly, my DD is well aware of what makes a good friend, what doesn't etc. Despite that she's still naive, so being a good parent, and be a bit more sophisticated than her, I really do need to find a way to steer her to the other girls, and AWAY from this one girl. So, am looking for language so that I don't talk to her about "mean girls." And I do feel like my DD has this thing for girls that aren't nice -- maybe they are more visible or something. Anyway, I will of course, reinforce, the "what makes a good friend" talk, but I wish she wouldnt go after this one girl at all. She's truly, truly a very mean girl, yes, at 7 or 8!

Then this is a bullying issue that needs to be nipped in the bud.

People put down Catholic schools on this board, but as a public school teacher, I can honestly say that my daughter's K-8 nips bullying in the bud. They are proactive by building in a program to address bullying that's K-8. I know of a few cliques of girls who have weekly sessions with the guidance counselor.

Kids who bully are bullied at home. And although this is a sad fact, you can't personally handle the situation yourself. It's a school issue. If she's bullying one, she's bullying others. So allow the school to look into it, as perhaps there are issues at home.

So do the straight talk. It's bullying flat out, and kids do it b/c they're insecure and feel the need to control their environment. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way, too. So if the school knows, there are ways to teach the child compassion. She's in 2nd grade. They're still very young, which means they can UNlearn some nasty habits.

That might be it some of the time but I know a few "mean girls" and they are actually anything but bullied but they are used to being the queen bee in their home and getting their way and they just learned to be loud and obnoxious to get what they want.

My girls and I talk a lot about what being "popular" is and what kind of people should be popular vs. the ones who are (often the mean girls, go figure!) Remind your daughter often about all the good qualities you see in her and how happy you are when you see/hear of her being a good friend.

The best thing I can say (I have 3 older girls) is to actively work to support good friendships. Invite those girls over often and get to know them. My girls are in a K-8 so we know all the girls (and their families) well. It makes it easy to nip things in the bud as well as to help direct my girls toward kids I think would be better friends if troubles arise.

Another thing I've noticed within our group of parents is we comment to each other when we see the girls doing nice things. My daughters are so proud when I say "Mrs. X told me about . . . It makes me so proud to know you are the kind of kid who does/says that." Positive reinforcement.

Anonymous wrote:I have always heard the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees" is great reading for moms of daughters dealing with the whole mean girl situation. I've never read it though, so can't tell you if it's valid or not. Couldn't hurt to give it a read though.

The book just provides examples but doesn't have any really useful advice other that what people already know.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, First of all, I'm calling them "mean girls" to YOU, the adults on this board, so that's not the problem.

More importantly, my DD is well aware of what makes a good friend, what doesn't etc. Despite that she's still naive, so being a good parent, and be a bit more sophisticated than her, I really do need to find a way to steer her to the other girls, and AWAY from this one girl. So, am looking for language so that I don't talk to her about "mean girls." And I do feel like my DD has this thing for girls that aren't nice -- maybe they are more visible or something. Anyway, I will of course, reinforce, the "what makes a good friend" talk, but I wish she wouldnt go after this one girl at all. She's truly, truly a very mean girl, yes, at 7 or 8!

Then this is a bullying issue that needs to be nipped in the bud.

People put down Catholic schools on this board, but as a public school teacher, I can honestly say that my daughter's K-8 nips bullying in the bud. They are proactive by building in a program to address bullying that's K-8. I know of a few cliques of girls who have weekly sessions with the guidance counselor.

Kids who bully are bullied at home. And although this is a sad fact, you can't personally handle the situation yourself. It's a school issue. If she's bullying one, she's bullying others. So allow the school to look into it, as perhaps there are issues at home.

So do the straight talk. It's bullying flat out, and kids do it b/c they're insecure and feel the need to control their environment. Sometimes a little kindness goes a long way, too. So if the school knows, there are ways to teach the child compassion. She's in 2nd grade. They're still very young, which means they can UNlearn some nasty habits.

I have always heard the book "Queen Bees and Wannabees" is great reading for moms of daughters dealing with the whole mean girl situation. I've never read it though, so can't tell you if it's valid or not. Couldn't hurt to give it a read though.

Ok, mom of the middle schooler, what's your advice. what do you say?

OP here, First of all, I'm calling them "mean girls" to YOU, the adults on this board, so that's not the problem.

More importantly, my DD is well aware of what makes a good friend, what doesn't etc. Despite that she's still naive, so being a good parent, and be a bit more sophisticated than her, I really do need to find a way to steer her to the other girls, and AWAY from this one girl. So, am looking for language so that I don't talk to her about "mean girls." And I do feel like my DD has this thing for girls that aren't nice -- maybe they are more visible or something. Anyway, I will of course, reinforce, the "what makes a good friend" talk, but I wish she wouldnt go after this one girl at all. She's truly, truly a very mean girl, yes, at 7 or 8!

Mom of an older daughter here. Don't sugar coat it by using pc language. All the pc language in the world isn't going to prepare them for what is coming down the road. Seventh grade--talk to any middle school teacher--is the worst. The girls are just vicious to one another.

I think I would sit down with her and say something like, "You know, I don't like the way X and Y act toward other people. They doesn't seem like good friends." Then I would focus on the qualities of what makes a good friend and be sure to point out to my daughter that the way these girls are treating her is the opposite of that. Ergo, they aren't the kind of friends she needs in her life. Then I would focus on encouraging friendships with the girls and boys in her life that ARE good friends to her. I would make sure to let her know, over and over, that things like looks, clothes and popularity aren't at a premium in our house, and set a good foundation against this happening in the future.

If they are bullying your daughter, I would talk to the teacher.

First, don't refer to girls as "mean girls". Describe their behavior that upsets you and talk about why it's not right - hurts people's feelings, etc. Talk about the qualities that make a good friend and see if she has anyone in her class that fits the description.

How do you talk to your daughters about avoiding the mean girls? There aren't many but my daughter seems to be a glutton for punishment and keeps going back for more. I think she's old enough to hear the message that sadly, not everyone is nice, and we just have to avoid those people. Any other thoughts?