When you have the youngest kid, people will come to you.

Another thing about getting together with someone with kids. You might be driving further, but it takes families with kids much longer to get ready to go and longer to clean up when they get home. So, if you are looking at it from a time perspective, your friends' commitments might be the same as yours for the outing, but the time is spent doing things other than driving.

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on your description your problem is not your friends' kids, but the fact that they all live an hour from you. If that's the case, your friendship was going to change irrespective of reproduction and family obligations. More generally, though, I think you have to get over the idea of 'fairness.' Life isn't fair. You have more flexibility right now, your friends have less - if you want to maintain the friendship, you are almost surely going to have to accept that rather than resent your friends because they have family obligations. I have been on both sides of the equation you describe, and I know that from your friends' perspective, it's equally frustrating to have a friend who is sort of clueless about what it takes to work in lots of "friend time" in a life that is already overwhelmed with work and children. I don't have the luxury of empty weekends - my time is limited and I'd rather spend whatever time I can actually with my friends than sitting in a car to meet them somewhere that's not close by (especially if I've got the kids in tow!)

This.

Are your friends all in Baltimore?

OP, based on your description your problem is not your friends' kids, but the fact that they all live an hour from you. If that's the case, your friendship was going to change irrespective of reproduction and family obligations. More generally, though, I think you have to get over the idea of 'fairness.' Life isn't fair. You have more flexibility right now, your friends have less - if you want to maintain the friendship, you are almost surely going to have to accept that rather than resent your friends because they have family obligations. I have been on both sides of the equation you describe, and I know that from your friends' perspective, it's equally frustrating to have a friend who is sort of clueless about what it takes to work in lots of "friend time" in a life that is already overwhelmed with work and children. I don't have the luxury of empty weekends - my time is limited and I'd rather spend whatever time I can actually with my friends than sitting in a car to meet them somewhere that's not close by (especially if I've got the kids in tow!)

I am telling you it's one of those things one never truly understands until you have a child or two or a few.

It's better to make a few friends with people who have no children or much older children. Or at least find friends that live less than an hour away!!

As for those friends who have young children, yes, I think it has to be a little bit more on their terms than your terms for now. It's not that their lives have greater priority than you. It's simply that children have more priority than them or you or even the friendship.

Occasionally you could ask for a midpoint meeting place that is kid friendly...a bbq at a mid point park, meeting up at a carnival, festival, kid friendly restaurant...

Anonymous wrote:I always try to meet in the middle. I have a toddler and another on the way. What REALLY irritated me was when a friend who lived 45 min from where I was staying in a hotel while visiting the west coast wanted me to meet up at a park by her house for an hour so the kiddos could all play while we talked. Her kids - 7 and 9yrs . Mine - 1yr.

Maybe she thought a park would be easiest and most fun for everyone, including your 1-year-old?

Having a kid makes meeting up harder. Sometimes much harder. And having more then one kid even adds to that. In my case, I've simply lost touch with many people I spent lots of time with pre-kids. I simply can't swing meeting up most of the time, even if it is convenient. If you want to keep the friends suck up the fact that meeting up is much much easier for you and try to make it as easy on them as possible. If you don't care that much to keep the friends, make your demans. Realize that even if they wanted to they won't be able to meet you half way all the time with their additional obligations. Lots of friendships end when people are at different stages in their lives b/c of things just like this.

Not sure why this is in the TTC forum - if you are TTC maybe you would be a little more understanding because isn't having a kid your end goal?

I always try to meet in the middle. I have a toddler and another on the way. What REALLY irritated me was when a friend who lived 45 min from where I was staying in a hotel while visiting the west coast wanted me to meet up at a park by her house for an hour so the kiddos could all play while we talked. Her kids - 7 and 9yrs . Mine - 1yr.

Time to find friends with no kids. Too bad that you can't deal with their new lives. I am sure you would be here whining if it was the other way around.

This is a tough one. I don't think you really can bring it up "delicately," because from their perspective they believe they have it tougher (and they might be right about that.)

This happened to me in a slightly different way: I had a girlfriend who brought her baby to every single outing that she had with me, including times when I would have loved for it to just be some "grownup" time. I love her daughter, she's extremely well-behaved and just a good kid, but sometimes I wish she could have stayed at home so that I could have the full attention of my friend.

Long story short, I never said anything about it and just tried to get over it because I couldn't see a way to say anything without engendering hard feelings. This may be what ultimately will happen with you and your friends with children. In life, things can't always be perfectly balanced.

I felt the exact same way as you did before I had a child, and still do. Now that I have a child, however, I can see the other side of the coin. It is very difficult to get out of the house with a small child (so much harder than I ever imagined). I will sometimes end up not getting together with people unless we meet at my house, or close to the house. I just can't do it sometimes with my daughter's nap schedule, feedings, etc. You realize after having a child that his/her needs must come first, even if it means that you have to make your friends come to you.

Having said all of that, I fully appreciate what you are saying. Perhaps you can elicately suggest that you have accomodated them the last few times and it would really be helpful to you this time if you got together at your house, or closer to your house. I think that's perfectly reasonable. Unfortunately, however, I do think that more often that not, if you want to keep seeing your friends, you will have to make more of the effort. If not, they may not get together.

Well, the fact of the matter is that it is much harder to round up children, coordinate naptimes, etc., than it is to go somewhere without kids. You can bring up a place (restaurant, etc) in the middle, if meeting at each others' places is inconvenient for one of you.

Say back to them "I understand its easier, but we met by your house the last 4 times, how about we get together over here this time", but be prepared to be understanding that their desire to see you doesn't trump the inconvenience of taking their kids an hour out of the way.

How do you change this dynamic?

At this point (37) most of our friends and family members have kids. These people (who we love and genuinely want to see) are always saying things like, "We really want to get together" and then suggesting that we meet them at places a few minutes from their house (and often an hour or more from our house even though we all live in DVM). If we suggest getting together at a place near us, they come back and say, "Oh, we'd love to see you but why don't you come over here since it will be easier on the kids."

I understand each parent's argument individually, that it is easier for us to drive an hour than them, but added all up together, DH and I are driving all over kingdom come if we want to see people.

How do you delicately bring up to people that we shouldn't have to always make the bigger effort just because we are still childless?