OP here. Thanks to all who posted. Today is a better day. But boy the lows are rough. That's the most insane part of this to me. I continue to do something (TTC) that makes me feel awful and that clearly I'm not very good at!! What's that saying...insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results? Some days I'm sure I must be insane. But I keep going.

Good luck to all of us.

I remember reading this story before -- thank you so much for participating in it. It was one of the best articles I've read on infertility.

OP, how are you feeling? I'm the "wow, are you me?" poster. I hope you're in a better place. I think I am going to take my own advice and seek out a support group -- I hope you do the same.

Anonymous wrote:I was in your place a couple years ago. It was horrible. I high recommend a support group - if not a Resolve support group than the one Lisa Eaves at Heal from Within (google it) runs. I met some of my closest friends there.

It is such a hard, hard road - please don't try to go through it alone.

I told my story anonymously for this article. Maybe it will make you feel less alone http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility

Thank you for posting this article. And for sharing your story.

I was in your place a couple years ago. It was horrible. I high recommend a support group - if not a Resolve support group than the one Lisa Eaves at Heal from Within (google it) runs. I met some of my closest friends there.

It is such a hard, hard road - please don't try to go through it alone.

I told my story anonymously for this article. Maybe it will make you feel less alone http://www.self.com/health/2010/08/breaking-the-silence-on-infertility

Your posts sound so familiar. When I lost 4 pregnancies in a row, I had a lot of days like that. I remember that I would always try to work late so I wouldn't run into the stroller brigade in my neighborhood of parents picking up kids from daycare; it was just too painful to see all those babies and toddlers. I tried to not think about it and just think or distract myself with something I DID like, either friends or a new restaurant or retail therapy or just being outside on a nice day. It's just such a slog, and the unpredictability is the worst.

Next week, I'm celebrating my baby's first birthday. Things finally clicked (big focus on the "finally.") Someday, somehow, you'll get to be a parent, and the journey may completely suck, but, in the meantime, try to do things along the way to give yourself a boost. That's all I got. I'm rooting for you.

Trust me, I understand. I don't even know my body anymore and I have been at this for 10 months. I used to think I would "know" if I was pregnant, but after so many negative tests, chemical pregnancies and just regular on-time visits by AuntFlo, I am at a loss. I have felt the twinges, endured the breast tenderness, dealt with unusual acne, but none of it has mattered. I'm still not pregnant and so sad sometimes. I wish I had the answer. I just know that when we get our little ones, we will be more grateful than we ever thought possible. Going thru this as forced me to be more patient, more forgiving, less controlling and ultimately more empathetic. All of these are qualities that will help me become a better parent. Believe me, I know how hard it is to focus on the journey when we are so focused on the destination. Good luck!

If you are interested in a support group, a new one through RESOLVE has started in DC. I attended the last one and you can find out about the next mtg in November by contacting resolvedc@gmail.com

Believe it or not, those groups can really help b/c everyone can completely understand what you're going through-and some even have useful advice about how they've come out the other side!

I am 39 and we have be TTC for 20 months now. I have been up beat and positive...full of wishful thinking. I read articles, blogs like this one, started acupuncture and yoga. But I was still not getting pregnant. My first IVF cycle was cancelled due to insurance issues. My 2nd due to a dominant follicle. Last month I had my first melt down when I recieved a baby announcement from an old colleague that I did not even know was pregnant. So I agree the journey has been hard. 20 months ago I never thought I would have had a melt down, but 20 months ago I though I would be celebrating my child's 1st birthday by now. But these are the cards we have been delt. I am happy that my husband is a supportive as he knows how to be. And I am happy for blogs like this were I can connect with those who truly know my struggle. I decided to take a break and teturned to IVF this month. Unfortunately is it being converted to IUI becase I only have one follicle big enough. So last night I cried a little...but today I am determined that be positve my that my 1 little egg will be my miracle baby!!

It is hard! Just beginning yet another cycle (day 2 of stims) as a sigle woman, age 43.6. My only advice is to also remember the GOOD stuff in your life. Also, WHEN we do become moms, it will be all the more special. Best wishes, and good luck to us all. Did you hear that Giuliani Rancic, during her 3rd IVF attempt, discovered breast cancer?

I was having one of these days last week. I'm sorry you are feeling so down. For me the worst part is that the lows are so low and the highs are, well not *that* high but high enough that the reality of every failed cycle crushes me. The roller coaster is exhausting. This cycle I started feeling anxiety the week leading up to ovulation because I felt like we were out before we even got started. I'm angry, sad, and lonely with a few days of optimism peppered in - I also don't recognize myself some days. Yesterday I had to stop myself from getting mad at a friend who called and just asked how we were doing because I thought she was prying about TTC. I could kick myself for sharing that we were TTC with too many people.

I don't have any great advice, but also think the support group route may be very helpful. I just try to keep myself busy with things I enjoy like reading or running, although there are many days where nothing really helps. Sigh.

I'll join that club. We just tranferred embryos for our 4th IVF. I'm so out of hope that I honestly don't even care anymore. My husband keeps telling me to take it easy and not lift stuff and I'm like, "OH WHO CARES!!!"

Wow, are you me? I totally know where you are coming from -- I thought that I was doing all right, and then this weekend, when my period started again, marking yet another failed cycle, a switch just flipped and I have been downright miserable. I'm trying to fake like I'm fine, but I don't know if I'm doing a good job at it. No one has said anything, so I guess it's working, but inside I feel like I am crying.

And like you, I don't have the time or money for therapy. I'm not even sure if I'm interested in therapy because, as I've said in other posts, the idea of going through the whole explanation process with someone new exhausts me.

So I say, support groups. They're free or low-cost and you'll be around people who will already know what you're going through. And good luck (to both of us)

Wow I'm having a bad day.

I don't want to be infertile. Why is this happening to me? I feel SO ANGRY all the time. I think I used to be a person that was generally happy with the occasional downs like everyone else. And I think that's been totally flipped. I'm angry and sad a lot of the time and only occasionally do I feel happy anymore. I feel like I don't even recognize myself some days.

I suppose someone will suggest therapy. I can't afford therapy because I'm spending all my money on infertility treatments. Seriously.