I am a mom with a lightly SN son, age eight. Think ADHD inattentive and a little SPD. I have had mom friends from the preschool years drift away because our sons no longer are friends. [Moms of school-age boys will note here that young elementary boys make friends on the basis of shared activities (Star Wars, soccer, Redskins). If you don't love soccer every day at school, you're not in the group anymore]. So when my unathletic, sensitive, bookish son wasn't up for continuous games of Transformers war, the other boys moved on and stopped asking for playdates. So, I don't talk to their moms much.

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Meanwhile, like another PP, we too had to pull back from spending time with some other families over the years. I would absolutely want to hang out at a wine bar with Mom and gab. But joint meals with the kids in restaurants? I can't. No matter how much empathy I might have for a mom of a difficult-to-manage child .... does not negate the fact that such meals at Cafe Deluxe were 100% unpleasant from start to finish. Indoor playdates, same thing.

Just because I understand -- and I really, really do -- why John is strangling my son and unpredictably hitting him in the back of the head when he's frustrated, doesn't mean it's a nice way to spend the afternoon.

So I try for the Mom night out at the wine bar with John's mom, but those are few and far between. Then we drift away ...

My 5 year old son has serious behavioral problems (PDD and we think ADD-impulsive/hyperactive). We are working so hard all the time and have spent a fortune on play therapists, social skills, OT, psychologists, etc etc etc etc etc. It is depressing to realize that other SN parents are judging us just as harshly as NT parents when we are out in public having a bad moment.

This is so weird. I have posted similar posts and gotten nothing but grief. Anyway, thanks OP, for bringing new issues to light. I will never understand why my other posts have been met with with hostility.

Anonymous wrote:I have to say I am discouraging a friendship between my daughter and an apparently NT girl on one of her sports teams. The little girl has a brother who may or may not be special needs. To me he appears to be simply horribly behaved. Punching, hitting, kicking his mother in public at practice. Week after week. Yelling at his mother, the coaches, throwing his homework materials at other people (pencils, books, paper). Hitting his mother with his folders. This behavior goes on for probably 45 mins or more of the practices. I really don't want to have my child anywhere around him without me being present. So I don't want to have a friendship grow where that family would offer to have her over and I would want to refuse because I would not want her to be at their house alone without me and be subjected to the brother's behavior. If the little boy does have some condition that causes this, I am sorry, but that doesn't mean I will subject my kid to his behavior if I can avoid it.

What does this post have to do with OP's query? We all know children who are badly behaved. I don't want my special needs kid around them either.

The topic of this thread is whether you have lost friendships because of your special needs child.

I have to say I am discouraging a friendship between my daughter and an apparently NT girl on one of her sports teams. The little girl has a brother who may or may not be special needs. To me he appears to be simply horribly behaved. Punching, hitting, kicking his mother in public at practice. Week after week. Yelling at his mother, the coaches, throwing his homework materials at other people (pencils, books, paper). Hitting his mother with his folders. This behavior goes on for probably 45 mins or more of the practices. I really don't want to have my child anywhere around him without me being present. So I don't want to have a friendship grow where that family would offer to have her over and I would want to refuse because I would not want her to be at their house alone without me and be subjected to the brother's behavior. If the little boy does have some condition that causes this, I am sorry, but that doesn't mean I will subject my kid to his behavior if I can avoid it.

I dropped a friend whose daughter had this and I believe she was also diagnoised with ODD. The little girl was 5. My friend just didn't even try and deal with her child or her behaviors in any realistic, appropriate way. This lead to some dangerous situations - the little girl would choke my DD (and other kids as well) when they were playing. I had to foribly remove her arms from my DD's neck and her mom just stood by watching and saying "oh yeah don't do that". This was a constant problem at daycare also (our kids were in the same daycare). That's one example of many. It got to be too much.

Same here. DD is almost four and I barely talk to anyone outside of our immediate family now and most of my family are overseas.DD has no friends and probably never will.

I'm sorry to say that I know how you're feeling. I've had to let friendships die for similar issues. I'm lucky that I've been able to connect with some a couple of moms that either have SN kids or are just open and supportive. it's really made a difference. I think it's probably easier to meet other parents when your kids are small. Lots of hugs to you! I'm glad to hear that your DD has some good friends.

Not entirely on topic of lost friends, but i was out the other night for a babyshower for one of the moms in my SN son's class. This was the class he was in last year, before his issues were really recognized. All the kids in the class went onto the next grade, my son stayed behind and is now in a mixed SN/NT class. It was a great group of moms, but it sure felt weird to hear them complain about the headaches of juggling baseball and soccer practice and the heavy load of afterschool clubs their kids participate in

OP, not a specific friend, but just the tapering off of friendships in general that we had made during the infant/pre-school years. Bit by bit the playdates and bday invites become less frequent and are not reciprocated. Our days at the pool are spent more alone, and DS is not "one of the gang," even though others he knew somehow are. I enjoy our time of course, but I feel lonely for him and myself. Fortunately I WOTH and have a good set of friends through work, and they in turn have known DS since birth and care about him dearly. Where possible, I try to match up him with some of their grandkid visits. AS an AS kid, he enjoys these adult friendships as well.

OP, I could have written your post, except my dd is three. I feel I have isolated our family b/c of dd's behavior. Her moods are so unpredictable that it makes planning and entertaining very difficult and stressful. I know my friends are understanding in theory, but not really in practice. We are not exactly turning down invites to get together! One friend once said to me (while shaking her head), "I don't know how you do it." It took everything I had not to burst into tears. The isolation is wearing on us all, though. My NT older daughter sees less of her friends. I'm determined to get us all out more. I wish I had more advice. Just know you are not alone.

(((((((HUGS)))))))) I can't say I've lost close friends, but it has changed the playing field. I think I've developed a little thicker skin, but I'm still sensitive and well I'm quicker to let a friendship taper, let a friendship be "lowered" to acquaintence level or to cut the cord if it brings me down usually due to issues with my own ASD child. In a way it is a gift too. Not only do I know who my real friends are, but I gotta say for the most part many (but not all) of the moms I have met in a similar boat are truly great people who enrich my life and I think it's important for my child to have friends with similar interests and issues.

Now that all said, sadly I too can be a mom who might offend others. If I think a child is at risk of a serious injury due to impulsive behavior, then I don't want a playdate at my home. I don't want to ever be in a position where I have to call a parent from the ER or have a kid rushed to the ER because the mom was in my home, but turned her head. Also, if a child has many of the behaviors my child long grew out of such as loud tantrums beyond the age it is considered normal and my child tends to regress after playdates with that child, then I am reluctant to get together as often. So I'm no saint!

OP, I hear you - it can be very tough. You want the best for your child and you see her gifts. It's frustrating when others don't see it, and devastating when people seem to reject your child. My DS has Aspergers - super sweet and smart, but his poor social skills make it hard for him to keep friends. DD has very high IQ and great social skills but is mildly dyslexic - teachers see her as very average.

Making a few good friends who have kids like yours - who have been there - is so important for your well-being and for sharing advice. Many people like us are out here - you aren't alone! I found the parents I relate to the best are those of kids who receive the same types of services my kids do (at school or outside school). The kids benefit too from socializing with peers like them - it lets them see they aren't so different.

I'm sorry for you. That's tough. I can't say I've lost any friends. But what I can say is this. My son is not necessarily welcomed with open arms by everyone. Even friends who have kids with disabilities aren't necessarily willing to have him over for playdates and prefer getting together at my house. A reason is that he is majorly impulsive and fearless and the combination is more than some people can handle or want around their kids. I get it, but it does impact us. I guess though I've been able to connect enough with other people that I am not so bothered by this.

Is there a parent2parent group in your daughter's school or another way to connect with other parents whose kids also have disabilities?

I lost my best friend of 15 years many, many years ago. She and her husband were hyper-critical of my daughter (then 3) who has PDD-NOS and ADHD. Her kids are NT and she couldn't seem to understand that my daughter wasn't a bad kid--she was different. That was 10 years ago and I still find it hard to connect with other mom's who judge my child and in turn, me. Not only is it difficult for my DD to make friends, but as a SAHM who doesn't live in a real neighborhood, I can't seem to connect either. I don't know if it is my own fears of how my DD will be judged or if it is their own prejudices and worries that my DD will bring down their child's social status. I will say that at 13, and after many years of therapy, my DD seems more like a quirky kid than a child with multiple disabilities. She has an extremely high IQ and for the most part now comes across as the absent-minded professor type. She has a couple of very good friends for whom I am very thankful. Just feeling kind of blue today....I guess I am another one of those DCUM's who is having trouble making friends. Any other parents of children with disabilities share these concerns?