Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 13:00     Subject: tired of superficial friendships
I think the problem here is that you're trying to make other "mom" friends. What about the friends you had before you became a mother? Did they get abandoned once you had children? Wouldn't these be the people who know you best? What happens to the "mom" friends when your kids separate by going to different schools, or choosing other playmates? Will you have to ditch the current ones to befriend the new ones? You have to make friends based upon common interests, not because you have kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 12:00     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
Ok OP, so you say you want these friendships, but you don't really have time to work on them, you aren't comfortable putting yourself out there to find out if someone might to reciprocate, you don't want to risk rejection/annoying someone, and you are making assumptions about how others will react if you do reach out to them. You say "I'm not sure how to get there," but you reject as not possible doing those very things that WOULD get you there and make excuses about why you can't do what you need to do to reach your objective. You are afraid to try because you might fail. Nothing is ever going to change for you.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 11:26     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
"OP, this is what DCUM/internet and psychoanalysis are for. Very few folks in competitive urban environments can invest in close, intense friendships. You want to divulge deep things? You could go to confession..."



"Honestly, how many "deep" relationships can you have? I have a large circle of friends, but only 2 that I have a very intimate relationship with. The rest are interesting people who are fun to hang out with. Every relationship does not have to be deep, that would be exhasting and excessivly time consuming. "



OP here and this is exactly the attitude I am sensing among my current friends, which is why I don't feel comfortable trying to initiate a deeper friendship.

Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 10:57     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
Honestly, how many "deep" relationships can you have? I have a large circle of friends, but only 2 that I have a very intimate relationship with. The rest are interesting people who are fun to hang out with. Every relationship does not have to be deep, that would be exhasting and excessivly time consuming.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 10:47     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:UGH! I have "friends" like you who are all caught up in keeping score of how good a friend I am by how many times I call, what things I invite them too, who many times I email, etc. It's so tiresome and not something at my age I am interested in. When I get friends complaning about this, I do tend to drop them.

Friendships are not as instant or as intense as they were back when we were in school (college, grad school, etc) and it takes time for them to develop.


OP here and I never, never keep 'score' of how 'good' my friends are. Those who live in glass houses can't throw stones, you know. Not sure how you got that from my post. I do realize it takes time and also that I need to make the first move. Loads of time is not something I have right now, like lots of my mom friends. So I do feel like I"m imposing if I call too much or take too much of my friend's time, even talking about 'light' stuff. Also, b/c I don't feel like I have the foundation laid, I feel like it may be inappropriate to divulge something 'deeper' that may overstep the boundaries and also, by the very nature of the topic, take a lot of time to discuss.


OP, this is what DCUM/internet and psychoanalysis are for. Very few folks in competitive urban environments can invest in close, intense friendships. You want to divulge deep things? You could go to confession...
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 10:15     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
Anonymous wrote:UGH! I have "friends" like you who are all caught up in keeping score of how good a friend I am by how many times I call, what things I invite them too, who many times I email, etc. It's so tiresome and not something at my age I am interested in. When I get friends complaning about this, I do tend to drop them.

Friendships are not as instant or as intense as they were back when we were in school (college, grad school, etc) and it takes time for them to develop.


OP here and I never, never keep 'score' of how 'good' my friends are. Those who live in glass houses can't throw stones, you know. Not sure how you got that from my post. I do realize it takes time and also that I need to make the first move. Loads of time is not something I have right now, like lots of my mom friends. So I do feel like I"m imposing if I call too much or take too much of my friend's time, even talking about 'light' stuff. Also, b/c I don't feel like I have the foundation laid, I feel like it may be inappropriate to divulge something 'deeper' that may overstep the boundaries and also, by the very nature of the topic, take a lot of time to discuss.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 09:36     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
UGH! I have "friends" like you who are all caught up in keeping score of how good a friend I am by how many times I call, what things I invite them too, who many times I email, etc. It's so tiresome and not something at my age I am interested in. When I get friends complaning about this, I do tend to drop them.

Friendships are not as instant or as intense as they were back when we were in school (college, grad school, etc) and it takes time for them to develop.
Anonymous
Post 03/11/2011 09:09     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
OP - I feel this way too. I have lots of mom friends that come over for playdates or dinner with their kids and we sometimes have moms nights out, but rarely do we talk about anything other than the kids or superficial "what did you do last weekend" type of conversations. I'm not sure how to divulge bigger stuff without putting anyone off. No advice - just commiseration
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 23:29     Subject: tired of superficial friendships
Well, someone has to blink. If you want something, the effort is on you. Maybe the other women haven't reached out because they don't feel the need for more friends. OP does. So it's on her.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 23:26     Subject: tired of superficial friendships
Anonymous wrote:You have to own your part in this. What have you done to take the friendship to a more meaningful level? Have you opened up to these women about your own personal concerns/worries/insecurities or do you keep your social mask firmly in place at all times? Have you ever been there for them in a crisis or a difficult time? If someone casually mentions a problem they have, do you offer meaningful assistance and follow through? I have made a number of good friends over the years living here, but it is the result of time, shared experiences, and me having extended myself. Intimacy is a hallmark of deep friendships. It requires trust and a track record. Unless you've REALLY put yourself out there you have only yourself to blame.


Everything you say is true, BUT...it sounds like nobody has yet reached out to the OP, either. Or maybe she's missing the signals? I mean, if nobody ever confides in you or shared a crisis with you, are you going to feel comfortable making the first move?
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 22:35     Subject: tired of superficial friendships
You have to own your part in this. What have you done to take the friendship to a more meaningful level? Have you opened up to these women about your own personal concerns/worries/insecurities or do you keep your social mask firmly in place at all times? Have you ever been there for them in a crisis or a difficult time? If someone casually mentions a problem they have, do you offer meaningful assistance and follow through? I have made a number of good friends over the years living here, but it is the result of time, shared experiences, and me having extended myself. Intimacy is a hallmark of deep friendships. It requires trust and a track record. Unless you've REALLY put yourself out there you have only yourself to blame.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 22:14     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
Anonymous wrote:GL with that in this area.


Puh-leeze. I have wonderful friends here. I think the key is that you have to see the same people consistently for long enough to get past the superficial stage. In most cases this is because you have a reason why you have to be together on a regular basis--work, playgroup, kids' school, a hobby, whatever. It's hard to build friendships on just lunch dates and planned get-togethers.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 22:03     Subject: tired of superficial friendships
21:57 - have to agree!
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 21:57     Subject: Re:tired of superficial friendships
GL with that in this area.
Anonymous
Post 03/10/2011 21:54     Subject: tired of superficial friendships
I have many 'friends' i.e other moms I hang out with, people I used to work with, etc but they are all so superficial. I really want to have a more 'deep' friendship but I'm not sure how to get there.