i have friends who had two children naturally and then one with a donor egg. don't have any sense the donor egg child feels like the odd person out. he's the youngest and adored by all. they told him when he was young, he's 10 now. no idea if future issues will come up.

OP here - still hoping to hear something from someone in my possible future situation - with one genetic child and one donor egg child . . . did you tell? How did your donor egg child feel, knowing s/he was not 100% genetically related, like his/her sibling? THAT is what I am concerned about - not that there is any "shame" associated with donor egg. I know I wouldn't treat/feel differently about a donor egg child, but I am very concerned that s/he might not feel like the odd person out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a completely different situation if you already have a biological child. Especially, a young biological child from the same marriage. This is why I have ruled out donor eggs.

To me, this really isn't any different than having a mix of biological and adopted children, a la Brangelina. I am my parents' biological child, while my younger brother was adopted after my mother experienced secondary infertility. What a great story to be able to tell the adopted or donor child about how very badly he/she was wanted and what great lengths you went to to bring him/her into the family.

Yes, but how does your brother feel about his adoption? I have several good friends and extended family members in the same mixed situation and they had serious issues growing up. Not that they weren't happy about being adopted but it was still a lot to struggle with regarding identity. However, in those cases, they were already born into a situation -- with donor eggs, you are creating the situation.

I would tell the child- definitely. Once he or she were remotely old enough to understand the concept- say 5 or so.

Seriously, it isn't that uncommon and is quite normal. Any stigma to it is already pretty olden-days.

I would emphasize that he or she was a very wanted child. IMO, that would be much more gladly accepted than being conceived "naturally" but by complete accident and to the parents' dismay, ala 16 and pregnant.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is a completely different situation if you already have a biological child. Especially, a young biological child from the same marriage. This is why I have ruled out donor eggs.

To me, this really isn't any different than having a mix of biological and adopted children, a la Brangelina. I am my parents' biological child, while my younger brother was adopted after my mother experienced secondary infertility. What a great story to be able to tell the adopted or donor child about how very badly he/she was wanted and what great lengths you went to to bring him/her into the family.

There have been many over the past 10 years studies that show that a child can handle the news that he/she was conceived via donor sperm or egg. It is much worse if that person finds out when he/she is an adult. The conclusion of every study is to tell your child the truth in childhood and never lie about it or keep the truth hidden.

I think it is a completely different situation if you already have a biological child. Especially, a young biological child from the same marriage. This is why I have ruled out donor eggs.

We're using donor eggs and plan to tell from a very young age. I think there are actually some good children's books that cover this issue.

On the other hand, we *don't* plan to tell our parents, friends or any other relatives. The way we look at it, this will be our DC's secret to tell or not tell.

While the idea of not telling is appealing on some level, I'd think it would be extremely stressful having to worry about a situation that would blow the secret and have the potential to poison my relationship with my child forever.

Agree w/ 12:48: most clinics require some psychologist visit and they'll advocate telling your kid, and telling your kid early. That's actually one reason we're not fond of DE (not ruling it out): we're fine but we think my parents will treat our first kid different from our second, b/c our first is 'natural' and our second would be DE. My parents are horrible.

Op I felt the same way you did when we started the DE process, but our clinic insisted on a psych screening for all patients using 3rd party reproduction, and it was very helpful. The main purpose of it was this very issue, and our psychologist was very good at pointing out all the pros and cons of disclosure vs nondisclosure. We decided that we will tell our kids, but we haven't agreed on exactly when since they are 4 and 2, but most so called experts say the sooner the better. Like one pp said with genetic testing likely to get even better and more widely available, secrets such as this are likely to come out eventually which would jeopardize your relationship with your child if they were to find out as a teenager or adult.

We used a donor egg and plan on telling our child. There is nothing to be ashamed about.

I can think of tons of secrets that people INTENDED to take to the grave with them but that leaked out. That seems like a misguided goal.

I agree that children have the right to know their genetic history. E.g. what if you are possibly the carrier for a genetic disease, which might be then passed on to your current biological daughter. It would be cruel for a child born of a donated egg to believe that he or she is also at risk, though you would know the truth.

Also, if you see use of a donor egg as a shameful secret for you or your child, it doesn't seem like a positive reproductive choice for your family.

Seems that your child should have the right to know and it is important information regarding medical history.

In this age of genetic testing for cancers, etc., I would think you might eventually want your child to know for purposes of evaluating her medical history.

Thinking about possibly using donor eggs . . . a complication (?!) is that I already have one daughter. Thus, a big concern I would have would be the donor egg child feeling like the odd person out. So, I think, why not keep it a secret (not tell the child or anyone), and take it to the grave? What have other folks done?