I would read “the Self-Driven Child.” I was skeptical of it but it actually resonated - some parts don’t fit but that’s OK. Things like - you really don’t need to interfere or worry if she wants to deep dive into potting plants. but you do need to set reasonable boundaries (like coming to dinner and cleaning up messes).

It's hard. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are trying. You have a sense of where you need to improve. Keep working at it. It's a little bit at a time and eventually one day you'll see that there has been a loy of progress for both of you. One day at a time.

Anonymous wrote:Take yesterday. I told her to just accomplish one thing. And you know what, she went and repotted her plants that were all dying and had just been sitting neglected. Which was great. But it was a 5 hour activity for her. She left a giant mess on the dining table outside. I tried to bite my tongue, but I couldn't help myself. I said, maybe it would have been better if you did on the patio? She missed dinner with the family. And she was up late finishing up. And so then I had to tell her ok she needs to wrap it up and clean up when it was past her bedtime, and I got short with her because I had to tell her like 10 times.

OP I assume you have ADHD, as your DD seems to have it and holding your tongue is challenging for you.

Like any good manager, the way to stop micromanaging and criticizing is by thinking ahead, communicating expectations more clearly, offering useful feedback in the moment, and knowing when to praise and/or get out of the way.

Try giving her a deadline along with your instructions. "Accomplish one thing by dinner." "Finish by 9:30 so you can get ready for bed." Etc. When you see her making a mess, don't pick on her (maybe it would have been better if...). Either tell her the table is becoming damaged and please move your project out to the patio now, or accept where she chose to work and remind her she'll need to clean up when she's finished.

Remind her before the deadline rather than nagging her afterwards. "Dinner will be in 10 minutes." "Dinner will be in 5 minutes, and if you don't come, then... [insert consequence]." When she chooses a pot size you don't agree with, ask yourself, why do you think she should have used a smaller pot? What do you know that she doesn't know about pots, or the plants, or the space? Why couldn't you ask her about her choice of pot before jumping straight to what you would have done? Also ask yourself, why are you upset that she is spending all this time with plants? If there's something you'd rather she spend her time on, you should have told her. Personally, I think working with plants is a better use of time than 100 other things she could be doing.

How awesome is it that when your daughter realized she may not have known enough to repot plants most effectively that she decided to research it and then got so engaged that she spent three hours doing it.


PP is right that you need to think before you speak. You need to decide not only what you are trying to achieve but also what type of relationship you want with your daughter because it sounds like you criticize her a lot. You need to start to reframe what is happening in the light most favorable to your daughter. You need to think about why something matters before you comment - like now that school is out does bedtime matter that much? And, you need to realize just how lucky you are that you are having successes with her and celebrate them.

I mean this as a peptalk, not a criticism. Lord knows, I get enough of these peptalks from my spouse and I am very thankful for them. It keeps me in perspective which I need having not grown up in a supportive family with any role models.

Anonymous wrote:I feel you, OP. The best way to approach this is to really work on yourself. What is driving you to make those comments? For me, it was MY anxiety about my kid's future, and not feeling seen for all the work I do in the household—neither of which are really my kid's responsibility. I had to learn to let go of a lot of what I think is right and remember that we all have a learning curve. But it's hard and I fail a lot. Parenting has its own learning curve, haha. Sending hugs.

Totally these things. The leaving a giant mess drives me bonkers. It's like cooking with a toddler. You have to go into it with the expectation that you're doing this for the kid to learn and that it's gonna be work for you, not help.

I feel you, OP. The best way to approach this is to really work on yourself. What is driving you to make those comments? For me, it was MY anxiety about my kid's future, and not feeling seen for all the work I do in the household—neither of which are really my kid's responsibility. I had to learn to let go of a lot of what I think is right and remember that we all have a learning curve. But it's hard and I fail a lot. Parenting has its own learning curve, haha. Sending hugs.

You need to think before you speak. That's the bottom line here. Who cares if the plant is potted wrong! It's just a plant, this isn't some endangered orchid that has to be micromanaged. Maybe it would be better to leave the house entirely if you can't control yourself.

Maybe you haven't totally wrapped your head around the nature of her 2e challenges. She probably has no idea how long something will take, especially when doing something new. Which isn't to say you stop trying to help her improve, but you need to see this for what it is and match your expectations and behaviors to reality. You could have said to do only one plant. You could have provided only one pot, making it impossible for her to do more. You need to think ahead and stop her from undertaking projects that will take more time than is available. Because she's not able to perceive time in the same way that you are.

I think I would have focused on the positive, that being that she actually accomplished the project she wanted to get done, rather than critizing that it took awhile and also the pot sizes (wtf).
The kid spent a summer day doing a hobby.

I feel for you, deeply. I agree about trying out an EF coach. I've found procrastination (as an ADHD symptom) and depression to be deeply intertwined. So start with an EF coach and get their temperature about what else might be going on.

We use an EF coach. Made a world of difference. Helped with our relationship and my DD is doing well with the coach. They work on things like time management, procrastination and organizing. It’s been helpful. Definitely recommend!

I am feeling like I'm screwing up every step of the way. I want to help my 2e daughter, but I feel ill-equipped. I kind of feel like I am sabotaging her and I can't stop myself.

I'm working with her to overcome her challenges - one thing at a time. We talked about how to overcome procrastination. There was a lot of resistance, as expected. She says the strategies won't work. She says it doesn't apply to her, because it doesn't describe what her issue is. And when I ask her what her issue is, she cannot say.

Take yesterday. I told her to just accomplish one thing. And you know what, she went and repotted her plants that were all dying and had just been sitting neglected. Which was great. But it was a 5 hour activity for her. She left a giant mess on the dining table outside. I tried to bite my tongue, but I couldn't help myself. I said, maybe it would have been better if you did on the patio? She missed dinner with the family. And she was up late finishing up. And so then I had to tell her ok she needs to wrap it up and clean up when it was past her bedtime, and I got short with her because I had to tell her like 10 times.

On the one hand, I wanted to celebrate the fact that she got something accomplished. But then I kind of crapped all over the accomplishment.

The worst part is that I could not shut my mouth today and said maybe she should have chosen smaller pots for a couple of the plants. She had chosen jumbo size pots for little tiny plants that like to be pot bound. So that basically sent her on a 3 hour research project on how to pot plants correctly. Instead of going outside on this beautiful day, she has been inside researching how to do it correctly.

Please help me stop unwittingly being her worst enemy.