Anonymous wrote:I am the wife and likely headed for divorce (his choice, not mine).

I make 50k more than him. I have also saved more for retirement (I started maxing out 403b before we met and he started much more recently). I also will inherit much more than he will. I assume custody will be about 50-50 for our elementary school aged kid.

I’m going to do my absolute best to keep things amicable, even though I’m so sad and angry that he’s choosing his midlife crisis “I have to pursue my own path” craziness, over keeping our family together. Married 10 years.

1. What do people mean when they say, “get your affairs in order?”

2. What can I expect to pay in terms of spousal support and child support? I make 200k. He makes 150k.

3. What will happen to my retirement accounts?

Of course, I’ll consult an attorney but I’m not quite there yet and would appreciate some thoughts on the questions above.

I will assure you, you are “quite there.”

— an attorney

Anonymous wrote:Your inheritance is yours (if not co-mingled) and does NOT factor into your property division unless you want it to... as I discovered when my ex wife acted on her mid-life crises just after her "ship came in". DC is equatable -- not equal -- distribution and the court is likely to accept whatever settlement agreement you come up with. It's primary interest is ensuring financial support for children, defined as < 21.

Leave your inheritance out of the discussions. It’s not yours until your parent dies. Anything could happen before then - obviously I’m not wishing it on them or you, but until the money is yours, you have no idea, and no court would take it into account when dividing marital assets.That goes for the 529 too if they are the trustee. He should have to pay his share of college expenses, or maybe that is a negotiation lever for you (you will cover college if he leaves your retirement alone).

For what it’s worth, I was the higher earning spouse and my lawyer counseled me that men’s egos often prevent them from taking spousal support if they can support themselves. We ended up spitting child expenses (child care, clothes etc, but not food or home expenses) but I have them 60% of the time so my expenses are a little higher. And we pay their tuition in proportion to our income, so I pick up a lot more of that. But I don’t pay him support.

Maybe you will get lucky and yours will let go of the idea of getting a monthly check from you

Your inheritance is yours (if not co-mingled) and does NOT factor into your property division unless you want it to... as I discovered when my ex wife acted on her mid-life crises just after her "ship came in". DC is equatable -- not equal -- distribution and the court is likely to accept whatever settlement agreement you come up with. It's primary interest is ensuring financial support for children, defined as < 21.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again. For those of you who have been through this, did you agree with your spouse about a split that was different than what the law would allow? My husband and I were fully formed adults with our careers established when we met. He has always been very clear that his money is his and mine is mine. I’m wondering if he’d agree to leave my retirement alone.

I’ll use my inheritance to pay for all the kid-related stuff. Grandparent has fully funded the 529 already. I just hope to walk away, each with our own savings since we approached that aspect so differently. So really, he just has to support himself in his new dream life.

Anyway, maybe that’s a pipe dream and he gets to decide to leave the marriage for his vague “we both deserve to be more deeply in love with our life” reasons and I lose half of what I’ve saved. Argh.

Anyway, I don’t want to screw him over, and I really want my kid to be ok. As upset as I am, he’s not a bad guy and I can kind of see him wanting this to be easy and amicable without paying lawyers and whatnot. Is that crazy?

Wait, why would you pay for all the kid related stuff?

Anonymous wrote:It means to know where all your assets are, know all the debts you have, know where all your money goes and how it's spent.

This.

When I got divorced I brought an excel sheet with all of our financial information to my first meeting with my attorney. The file included all account numbers, institutions, balances, loans, assets, etc. This was about 10 years ago and she said she had never seen a woman come in so prepared. I wasn't sure what to think about that.

Anonymous wrote:It also means make a different will so that if you die, he doesn't get your assets.

Be sure to change your designated primary beneficiary on:
- IRAs
- 401(k)/403(b)
- life insurance

...and find a new "trusted contact" on investment/banking accounts.

Op here again. For those of you who have been through this, did you agree with your spouse about a split that was different than what the law would allow? My husband and I were fully formed adults with our careers established when we met. He has always been very clear that his money is his and mine is mine. I’m wondering if he’d agree to leave my retirement alone.

I’ll use my inheritance to pay for all the kid-related stuff. Grandparent has fully funded the 529 already. I just hope to walk away, each with our own savings since we approached that aspect so differently. So really, he just has to support himself in his new dream life.

Anyway, maybe that’s a pipe dream and he gets to decide to leave the marriage for his vague “we both deserve to be more deeply in love with our life” reasons and I lose half of what I’ve saved. Argh.

Anyway, I don’t want to screw him over, and I really want my kid to be ok. As upset as I am, he’s not a bad guy and I can kind of see him wanting this to be easy and amicable without paying lawyers and whatnot. Is that crazy?

Op here. I’m in dc.

If this is VA and you've been married more than 10 years- hes getting half of everything of 'yours'

It means to know where all your assets are, know all the debts you have, know where all your money goes and how it's spent.

It also means make a different will so that if you die, he doesn't get your assets.

It means ensure you have enough liquidity to deal with this. Available cash, not restricted things like 403b.

It means consider your real estate situation. Would this mean selling a house? What needs to be done to prepare it?

And it means to prepare for a downgrade in standard of living. Two homes cost more than one, period, so it's likely that you and he will have less money to spend.

I’m going through this right now too and really sorry. Mine is also having a midlife crisis.

What I figured out about the 401(k)s is that you have to be able to trace the 401(k) money back to prior to the marriage and I know for me my big problem is that I rolled over several 401(k)’s into one IRA rollover. You need to be able to trace a money trail.

Spousal support depend depends on where you are. But generally, any assets gained during the marriage are going to be split 50-50.

I am the wife and likely headed for divorce (his choice, not mine).

I make 50k more than him. I have also saved more for retirement (I started maxing out 403b before we met and he started much more recently). I also will inherit much more than he will. I assume custody will be about 50-50 for our elementary school aged kid.

I’m going to do my absolute best to keep things amicable, even though I’m so sad and angry that he’s choosing his midlife crisis “I have to pursue my own path” craziness, over keeping our family together. Married 10 years.

1. What do people mean when they say, “get your affairs in order?”

2. What can I expect to pay in terms of spousal support and child support? I make 200k. He makes 150k.

3. What will happen to my retirement accounts?

Of course, I’ll consult an attorney but I’m not quite there yet and would appreciate some thoughts on the questions above.