I have a dad who can essentially ignore his kids for a few months at a time. But then he clearly feels ignored and suddenly sends a dramatic health related text. Of course, we all respond and say “let us know how it goes” which is followed by some ridiculous follow up like “I don’t actually have Alzheimer’s, the specialist says I have an above average to superior memory for my age.” My sisters and I just laugh about it when we talk/text each other.

Just say yes to what you want to say yes to and no to what you want to say no to, and keep it moving. Live your life. “Boundaries” are really just saying no to what you don’t want to do. Of course, if you want to become like them, you could make up your own health ailments when you don’t want to do something. 😜

Actual examples please

Anonymous wrote:I have in the family some people struggling with serious health challenges but I have the impression sometimes they use their health as a powerful manipulation tool.I don’t want to come across as a b*h but it is very obvious and infuriating. For example if they don’t get what they want then suddenly they start complaining about various ailment. Of course, after a dr visit, it turns out to be not much of a worry. How to respond firmly but politely? How to enforce boundaries?

You need to always say no and don’t give in! They have learned that twisting around to bring up a health issue real or imagined turns a no into a yes.

Old people regress into a lot of mental health and dysfunction. They have a primal over reaction to hearing no and it seems to stoke their awareness that they don’t control the other person or situation which doubles their anxiety. It’s a “ oh no I WANT” feeling coupled with “oh no I’m too frail to force what I want” to “ how can I manipulate to get what I want” with a lot of “it’s not fair I’m not getting what I WANT”. There’s basically a whole bag of cats rattling up there.

The key to boundaries is to consistently maintain them. Once you let the antics of the boundary stomper cross them, they will repeat again and again.

You’re going to have to give some specific examples.

Too vague. What do they “want” from you? Are you involved in care?

"I'm sorry, that must be hard for you. Let me know how your doctor's appointment goes."

“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I hope you feel better soon. Unfortunately, our plans are still X and Y, as that works best for us. Hopefully we can find a time to do Z soon, if you’re up for it.”

Or mention a future plan:

“I’m sorry A won’t work out for you, and I hope you feel better soon. Looking forward to seeing you at B!”

Just offer sympathy and move on.

It's not black and white where either you are sick or you aren't. You can feel worse during times of stress and anxiety, or even just anticipating an event that makes you worry about how it will go if you have a flare up that day. And sometimes that flare up does not correlate with the day you have your doctor's appointment, which could take weeks to get.

Without knowing more details I can't assume they are being manipulative.

You don't acknowledge it beyond a "I'm sorry you're not feeling well". You don't schedule things around them. You don't cancel things because of them. You don't give them lots of attention when they say they aren't feeling well. The caveat is you need to be sure they are doing this to manipulate you. It took awhile for there to be concrete proof that this is what my mom was doing. Before then, I think people thought I was a B.

I have in the family some people struggling with serious health challenges but I have the impression sometimes they use their health as a powerful manipulation tool.I don’t want to come across as a b*h but it is very obvious and infuriating. For example if they don’t get what they want then suddenly they start complaining about various ailment. Of course, after a dr visit, it turns out to be not much of a worry. How to respond firmly but politely? How to enforce boundaries?