Tell him to his face

Anonymous wrote:He only wants to hang around people who are attractive and successful. He dislikes people that have strong opinions that don’t align with his. He gets mad if he has to bend and doesn’t like to compromise unless he comes up with the idea to compromise. He doesn’t care for a lot of my friends yet always wants me to invite them places because he likes to go out and has no friends of his own. He gets mad when I do things others want to do ( he feels I’m being controlled when it’s really that I am interested in what the other person wants to do. He gets mad when he has to accommodate and gets mad when no one accommodates him.
This is a vent and something blew up today because I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I may divorce but might soon be laid off so I will be financially dependent on him. He won’t go to counseling.
Does anyone have a spouse like this? What is wrong with him?

Who cares? You can attach whatever label you want but it won't change who he is. And that's who you decided to marry (and hopefully not have kids with). Either decide that you like it or leave - he is not going to change. Do you need me to repeat that for you?

He is emotionally immature. People miss the signs of emotional immaturity in men because they are treated as children until they are 30 or so, and then suddenly they are expected to act like adults and have no skills.

The rigidity here is the big problem. Look at his family dynamics and how he and his family talk about his childhood and young adulthood. When he would run into difficult people (other kids, teachers, early bosses, etc.) would he be encouraged to find ways two work with them or simply told "yeah those people are bad, they don't get you"? Are his parents good at conflict resolution, do they have a dynamic where his dad is very rigid and demanding and his mom is a pushover? All of this will help you understand why he's like this.

Also I suggest going to therapy and talking through these issues. It will help you figure out your own role. Are you unwittingly playing the role of enabler that his parents played before you? Have you been making things easier for him socially for years by apologizing for him, managing a social schedule that plays to his strengths, etc.? You need to look at your own role because none of this will change unless you also change.

Then you need to start talking with him about why this is a problem. He might surprise you and be willing to do the work. My husband was. But he'd also shown the ability to do the work in the past -- he'd learned social skills in college and had a good group of friends who reinforced those skills, he'd just reverted to his upbringing with we got married and had kids. So for us it was a question of leaning into the behaviors he'd already started to learn and just getting him to apply them in a family context. And I had to work on my people pleasing tendencies and learn to speak up sooner when his rigidity was becoming hard to deal with, instead of enabling him until the problem was critical.

It's possible it's not salvageable and you need to move on. Do you have kids? That will influence how you handle this. I was highly motivated to make it work because we have kids so we are tied to each other no matter what. I also think our kids helped DH motivate because he realized he didn't want to repeat negative family dynamics and also realized that if he didn't change his behavior, our kids would not want anything to do with him as an adult, just like doesn't want anything to do with his parents.

Anonymous wrote:He only wants to hang around people who are attractive and successful. He dislikes people that have strong opinions that don’t align with his. He gets mad if he has to bend and doesn’t like to compromise unless he comes up with the idea to compromise. He doesn’t care for a lot of my friends yet always wants me to invite them places because he likes to go out and has no friends of his own. He gets mad when I do things others want to do ( he feels I’m being controlled when it’s really that I am interested in what the other person wants to do. He gets mad when he has to accommodate and gets mad when no one accommodates him.
This is a vent and something blew up today because I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I may divorce but might soon be laid off so I will be financially dependent on him. He won’t go to counseling.
Does anyone have a spouse like this? What is wrong with him?

Your title and your post don't add up - none of the above has to do with respect. Maybe you're trying to say that he only respects attractive and successful people, but then also only if they agree with him? I won't spend time with people who don't respect me and whom I don't respect, but none of that has to do with what they look like or how much money they have - it has to do with how they treat people. So if he's using respect to describe meaningless attributes then that's messed up.

Is he a police officer? ICE agent?

My husband is like this. At his best, he’s really great. He’s the kind of guy who believes in himself and, by extension, me and the kids even when other people don’t. He can see my best qualities and our kids best qualities, and he inspires us. He is also lots of fun and makes everything a game.
The flip side of this is that he thinks that he is right more often than he is, and he doesn’t like it when he sees me or the kids accommodating other people.
Also, frankly, face it, OP. You and I ARE the kind of people who are overly accommodating of others preferences. That’s how we ended up with partners like this. Women with better boundaries wouldn’t have gone on a second date.

I'm sorry OP. Do you have kids? I think all you can do is get yourself and your financial house in order. Make copies of all the accounts and give a trusted relative your important documents. Get counseling for yourself. Minimize time spent with him as much as possible and tell him less details if you can. When you say you may be laid off, do you mean imminently or is just a general concern?

Does he understand that we get what we give? Can you suggest that he model the behavior that he wants to see in others?

Get a new job and divorce him.

This is a vent...

Never mind, you don't want advice.

Does anyone have a spouse like this?

Probably.

What is wrong with him?

What is wrong with people who would rather vent or seek validation when they could improve their life?

I would start looking for a new job, then divorce it once you pass your probationary period. And triple up on birth control!

Big yikes based on my experience as someone in a divorce from a man (boys?) who increasingly went on and on about “respect” right until he walked out and filed after he claimed he was disrespected by one of our kids.

Big red flag, super dangerous mindset. You’re not going to talk him out of this or behave your way around it. It comes from a deep dark place of shame and ego and arrogance and ultimately insecurity that cannot be cured.

Run.

He sounds exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:He only wants to hang around people who are attractive and successful. He dislikes people that have strong opinions that don’t align with his. He gets mad if he has to bend and doesn’t like to compromise unless he comes up with the idea to compromise. He doesn’t care for a lot of my friends yet always wants me to invite them places because he likes to go out and has no friends of his own. He gets mad when I do things others want to do ( he feels I’m being controlled when it’s really that I am interested in what the other person wants to do. He gets mad when he has to accommodate and gets mad when no one accommodates him.
This is a vent and something blew up today because I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I may divorce but might soon be laid off so I will be financially dependent on him. He won’t go to counseling.
Does anyone have a spouse like this? What is wrong with him?

Is he an African American male. Yes, we AA women know they are like this...

Why did you marry an ass and then decide to walk on eggshells?

He only wants to hang around people who are attractive and successful. He dislikes people that have strong opinions that don’t align with his. He gets mad if he has to bend and doesn’t like to compromise unless he comes up with the idea to compromise. He doesn’t care for a lot of my friends yet always wants me to invite them places because he likes to go out and has no friends of his own. He gets mad when I do things others want to do ( he feels I’m being controlled when it’s really that I am interested in what the other person wants to do. He gets mad when he has to accommodate and gets mad when no one accommodates him.
This is a vent and something blew up today because I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I may divorce but might soon be laid off so I will be financially dependent on him. He won’t go to counseling.
Does anyone have a spouse like this? What is wrong with him?