If you don't intend to go anyway (flights are astronomical) then why stir the pot? You want them to invite you so that you can decline? No, you don't send a gift to a wedding you were not invited to.

I would not send a gift to a wedding I was not invited to.

I find this super weird, because you have a relationship (however infrequent) and because you're the only one in a whole category of people not invited. When I married my DH, none of his cousins were invited. His mom did the guest list for "their" family, and I didn't question her. We received a gift and a passive aggressive note from one of the cousins, who I had never met, and it did make me feel bad. OTH, I didn't draw up the guest list and it wasn't my place to invite people I had never met.

I wonder if your cousin also didn't draw up the guest list for the family or if he even knows you weren't invited or why. I hate to say it, but lots of guys aren't very involved in the wedding planning. If you want to have a relationship going forward, I might send a small gift and a genuine note.

I would def ask your parents if they know what happened, but only if they will keep it quiet since you can't come anyway at this point.

I would tell your mother so she doesn’t fuss at you. Don’t call the grooms mother as this may force a last minute invite which is even ruder on the part of the couple! If there is a last minute scrambling and you get a sudden invite, just be clear that it’s too close to the date to come.

In the future, you will get some flapping that oh, we thought you wouldn’t be able to come and didn’t want to pressure you. Don’t let them off the hook, just say Hmm, I don’t know why you thought that as I would have attended but it’s your wedding. You didn’t need to invite people you didn’t want there! It was a little awkward for me as other relatives were talking about photo shopping me in. Hilarious! But seriously, no worries!

I would definitely mention to your mother and/or aunt if she is hosting the wedding. If it was a mistake I wouldn't want anyone to think I'd just blown off the invitation.

That said, I doubt it was an oversight, as you would have already received some prodding about your lack of RSVP.

If I were the only first cousin excluded I would probably send something nice, not off their registry, and without a gift receipt.

I would tell my mom and I would definitely not send a gift to a wedding that I was excluded from!

I would definitely tell your mom. But make it clear you can't afford to go at this point. Why did you wait so long? This is a very strange situation.

Anonymous wrote:I'd send a gift to be passive aggressive. They should have included you.

This. And also because it’s the gracious thing to do. But if it makes them squirm a bit, or realize their oversight, all the better.

I think you should tell your mom.

Your mom is going to figure out you aren't there so it's better to have the conversation with some lead up time. If she finds out when she gets there it might be more of a to do.

I'd send a gift to be passive aggressive. They should have included you.

It sounds like your cousin is the groom- have you met the fiance? The bride is the one who usually ends up doing everything, maybe she doesn't know you?

Mailing to the wrong address is a possibility although when I got married I followed up with invitees who didn't RSVP, because some people just forget. So if they didn't reach out to you or your parents then I would take that as a sign they were not expecting an RSVP from you.

Surely by now hasn't your mom asked anything about your travel plans (since she probably assumes you were invited)? It's 3 weeks before the end of the month and surely she is excited to maybe see you.

If your aunt joked about photo shopping you into the group photo, then she knows you weren't invited and it's not a case of an invitation being sent to the wrong address.

If you believe bringing it up now to your mom will cause some last minute "drama", and the travel costs aren't feasible anyway, just let it go. If mom suddenly asks about it a week or two out, ask her to send you a few photos and wish her a good time.

As for sending a gift, it's certainly okay not to. If you want to, and you won't feel resentful about it, then go ahead.

I would not send a gift but I also would not care about not being invited. Everyone should invite the people they really care about and love to their weddings, it sounds like you're not particularly close so it would seem weirder (to me) to be included. Life's too short to worry about this kind of thing IMHO.

OP - you do not need to send a gift to a wedding you aren’t invited to.

However, I would ask a cousin who is closer to the groom to confirm that you really weren’t invited. Is it possible that they have the wrong address/email address for you? It seems odd that you are the only family member not invited.

My younger cousin is getting married later this month- when I say younger, nearly 20 years younger (I am the oldest on that side of the family). Due to the age difference and me moving away for college, we were never close, but everyone has always gotten along and when he lived in the DC area for a year we'd have him over for dinner occasionally. His fiance is sweet and I set them a congratulatory message when I heard of their engagement. I never received a save the date or invitation to the wedding. Honestly, I didn't think too much of it at first- we are temporarily living far away from our hometown (and yes, they have my address and our mail is still being forwarded on top of that) so I wasn't 100% sure I'd be able to travel back on the particular weekend, and others had alluded to them having a small wedding. I knew my parents were invited and going, but that's to be expected. But I learned recently that literally everyone else in our extended family was invited- and not just the cousins but all their kids too. One of my aunts was just like, we'll have to photoshop you into the family photo, etc.

My hunch is that it was either an oversight or they just assumed I wouldn't be able to come, but it still feels kind of crummy, you know? Our move has been challenging and feeling forgotten just makes it even harder. In retrospect I should have brought it up to my mom earlier but I assumed it was a small wedding guest count thing. At this point I don't want to tell her because she'd be upset and the flights have gotten astronomical so it wouldn't be feasible to book travel at this late stage anyway.

Anyway, just venting I guess! Would you still send a gift in this situation?