Therapy is so excellent for kids. They need a safe non judgmental place to talk. Seems your kid too

I mean, she spends an hour in the car (how many times a week?) to do something you're making her do. She should be happy? You can tell her you're not interested in hearing the griping and complaining, but few people are grateful in the moment for things they are forced to do, even if it's supposed to be for their own good.

I'd tell my kid that they have to do some activity (sport, martial art, dance, art, music, choir, birdwatching, whatever) and they can choose what it is. If they don't like what they're in now, pick something else. But we're talking about kids, and kids need unstructured time to rest and play and even be bored. If she's always cranky, maybe she isn't getting good sleep, or downtime. Consider whether something else is going on.

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. Not normal.
Where is the other parent?

Read the OP. He's out of the picture.

I’m a single parent and I definitely wouldn’t waste my time and money when my kid acts like a brat about an activity. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourself.

Anonymous wrote:
Nope. Not normal.
Where is the other parent?

Sleeping

I hear you. My DD is 12 and its the same problem. Lots of negativity. She only seems to be happy if the attention and activity are 100% about her which is simply not possible all the time. We are a family of 4 and other people have needs.
What has helped is to simply refuse to engage in the negativity. When it starts I ask if there are proposed solutions to the problem if not, then I'm out. The latest issue was that we had the gall to sign her up for camps that "she didn't like" we reminded her that we gave her plenty of options in February and she shat over all of them.
Staying home all day is not an option so we picked camps that we thought were a match for her.
As for the gratitude part its a struggle, we've given our kids too much. I'm spending the summer correcting that. Now that we dont have to rush out to school in the morning I dont do anything for her that she can do herself. Kids need to see how much work goes into giving them a safe and comfortable home.
OP, your daughter has life too easy. She needs to understand that she has a role to play in her happiness. Good luck, kids are not easy. If I had to do it over again I don't know that I would.

Also when you talk to her, talk to her about the brain science of how complaining begets more complaining, and she’s training her brain to be negative. Make sure you have this conversation with her when she’s in a good mood and receptive.

Get her Vitamin D and iron levels checked, and her thyroid.

I think she’s old enough to hear from you, when she is in a good mood, how draining it is to hear the constant negativity for you. She needs to realize how her complaining affects other people. I’d also look into if she acts like this with other people, at school, with friends, etc. If being negative is her constant, then I’d look for a therapist for a short course of treatment to see what underlying issues might be there.

And as with any behavior, if you don’t want to hear complaining, state it directly and have consequences if she doesn’t stop when asked. She needs to follow directions.

My DD became more challenging around 10.5. She’s 13 now and it’s still a rollercoaster.
I do think kids need a couple of activities. What does she do at home when not engaged by you or someone else? If my kid was drawing, reading, writing poems or something I’d leave her alone. If she’s scrolling utube for hours then she needs things to keep her busy.

You’re exhausted? She’s exhausted, dumbarse! The kid wants weekends to relax and unwind and have fun. Maybe she’s a true introvert and you’re just refusing her the opportunity to recharge her batteries.

She doesn’t need to be “enriched” beyond school and school activities. In the summer, yes, you should put her in camps or activities to keep her safe and involved, but give her the weekends!

Nope. Not normal.
Where is the other parent?

Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just commiseration.

I have a just turned 10yo and lately I feel like I don't enjoy spending time with her. Everything seems to be a complaint, an argument, an eye roll, or an attitude.

Today's example: I drove her 30 minutes to one of her lessons. She only does two activities right now, and getting her involved in anything has been an uphill battle for years. I've offered sports, clubs, camps, and other activities, and she's refused most of them. The two things she's doing now are the only ones she's been willing to try.

The entire drive there she complained and acted miserable. I found myself thinking, why am I putting so much effort into enriching her life when everything is met with negativity?

I know kids don't owe us gratitude, but I'm exhausted. Is this a normal 10-year-old phase? Anxiety? Early hormones? Something else?

Has anyone been through this and come out the other side? Im a single parent, her dad hasn’t been in the picture for 7+ years.

Actually, they do, and maybe part of the problem is that you haven't insisted on it?

My 9yo DD is the same and really has been her whole life - she was a grumpy baby, even. So, solidarity there.

We’ve tried to combat this with really predicable routines and structures (no use complaining about something when you know it’s happening every week no matter what, etc), and prioritizing sleep and nutrition as much as possible so her body feels as good as it can (now she’s very picky, unfortunately, but we try our best). I think, like pp said, some of these foundational routines create a sense of safety and predictability that HELPS - doesn’t solve it, but helps.

We’ve read books about mindfulness and gratitude, and I’ve also been very frank with her in conversations about my and her fathers upbringings and how we did not have the attention, support, or resources she’s had. I totally hear you on what you said about “kids don’t owe us gratitude,” but I do think that being honest about, like, hey girl, your dad grew up in a hoarder house - perhaps getting the opportunity to play soccer isn’t really that bad after all.

And, finally, when she’s in a negative loop and just complaining about anything, I let her know that I’m filled up on her complaints and won’t be listening to negativity anymore. She has adhd and loves going back and forth for the dopamine hit and would do it as long as I let her, but I have to put a stop to it at some point. If she continues, I just remind her that I’m not engaging in negative talk anymore, but I’m happy to be in conversation with her about something else if she wants to.

First, always check if there's something medical going on. Talk to her pediatrician, do bloodwork.

Second, examine lifestyle: does she have a healthy routine, regarding nutritious meals, bedtimes, adequate sleep, not watching anything too scary on her devices, no suspicion of bullying at school or elsewhere, etc?

Third, are there any mental heath disorders in her ascendants: ADHD, both hyperactive and inattentive, autism, anxiety, depression? If you're worried, an assessment might be something to consider.

If everything checks out fine, then how's your parenting? How do you redirect when she starts complaining? Is she in puberty? Are her friends also like this?

I don't know if I'm looking for advice or just commiseration.

I have a just turned 10yo and lately I feel like I don't enjoy spending time with her. Everything seems to be a complaint, an argument, an eye roll, or an attitude.

Today's example: I drove her 30 minutes to one of her lessons. She only does two activities right now, and getting her involved in anything has been an uphill battle for years. I've offered sports, clubs, camps, and other activities, and she's refused most of them. The two things she's doing now are the only ones she's been willing to try.

The entire drive there she complained and acted miserable. I found myself thinking, why am I putting so much effort into enriching her life when everything is met with negativity?

I know kids don't owe us gratitude, but I'm exhausted. Is this a normal 10-year-old phase? Anxiety? Early hormones? Something else?

Has anyone been through this and come out the other side? Im a single parent, her dad hasn’t been in the picture for 7+ years.