“We have to accept our kids for who they are and do what we need to do to get them where we are trying to go.”

NP. Thank you for this reminder 🩷

OP, I wonder if anxiety is in play here as well.

My own dc, 11 (ASD, spd) does not yet tie shoes. It's very frustrating for them. It's ok, there are enough shoes in the world that stay on not using shoestrings, especially for kids. There is also shoetying practice boards you can buy-maybe he could practice privately so there is not the pressure of parent watching.

As far as the puberty stuff-I gave my dd the 'care and keeping of me' american girl book (I imagine there is something similar for boys) and let her read it herself-she did not want to discuss it with me. I have other kids also and this is typical-often schools do a unit on this stuff at the end of 5th grade. She actually just had it last month and did fine in that setting. I let her know that she can ask me anything anytime and where the supplies (for menstruation when it starts) are in the bathroom.

The sunscreen-can you take him to the store and let him pick one? Even if it's one you would not normally choose-maybe a sport spray? He might be more open to using it if it's one he chooses.

I know this stuff is frustrating, OP. We have to accept our kids for who they are and do what we need to do to get them where we are trying to go.

Seems he is overwhelmed. I would look for the underlying reasons for the behavior. Is it autism? PDA is not a diagnosis. Mine learned to tie shoes (slowly and very unreliably, it’s certainly a non preferred task) at 11, after years of OT. I put his sunscreen on at home in the morning, over a fight. I start the negotiation the night before - tomorrow I’ll put sunscreen. You hate that but remember how you burned, and there’s skin cancer risk. I’ll try to be quick and will avoid your face. After a few days, he tolerates it a bit more, but the next Monday it’s a negotiation all over again. Medications have helped for us as well. It’s hard, and I lose many battles daily, so I’ve lowered my expectations to a bare minimum. And it gets better with age - he may not be ready for a teenage discussion at 13 but perhaps a year or two later he might be there.

Can you strew information around the house that you want him to know/learn?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have advice but I think you should write a thank you note to his teacher. Imagine trying to teach him all day along with 25 other kids.

He’s a DREAM at school. Everyone loves him. He’s super high achieving and popular and good. Everyone (friends, teachers) are shocked when I describe him at home.

Keep supporting his friendships, activities, and relationships with teachers. That might be where he has to do most of his learning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have advice but I think you should write a thank you note to his teacher. Imagine trying to teach him all day along with 25 other kids.

He’s a DREAM at school. Everyone loves him. He’s super high achieving and popular and good. Everyone (friends, teachers) are shocked when I describe him at home.

Which means that he's overextending himself at school and has no bandwidth left over at home.

You're going to have to take it really slowly, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Have you done the At Peace Parents coaching? We did it (one on one parent sessions, texting with questions etc) and it was priceless.

This? https://www.atpeaceparents.com/

We are so hesitant to spend MORE money.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have advice but I think you should write a thank you note to his teacher. Imagine trying to teach him all day along with 25 other kids.

He’s a DREAM at school. Everyone loves him. He’s super high achieving and popular and good. Everyone (friends, teachers) are shocked when I describe him at home.

Have you done the At Peace Parents coaching? We did it (one on one parent sessions, texting with questions etc) and it was priceless.

I don’t have advice but I think you should write a thank you note to his teacher. Imagine trying to teach him all day along with 25 other kids.

My PDA 10 year old can’t even tolerate camp.

Your examples kind of sound like a typical kid. I mean, none of mine ever put on sunscreen at camp. And, one of mine took way past 10 to tie shoes - always had their own way and still can't do a typical bow. Also I don't get what you're expecting regarding puberty.

I'm sure there's more. All I can say is this. As a special needs parent, all we can do is try to give our kids the skills they need to be as successful as possible as an adult. Accepting that they might not become independent or might not become a high functioning independent person is tough. But, no matter how hard we work at it, not all of us will have highly functioning or even independent kids. We still have to keep working at it but for some of us, it's really discouraging and we can't fix it.

What does the therapist say? Do you have an OT? It seems like that might be what he needs.

Not to be too Casey Ehrlich on you, but it sounds like you haven't quite accepted that there's a disability here. It may not be something you can change.

This has been going on his whole life.

Trying to teach him how to put on sunscreen: screams that it hurts, you’re pushing too hard, stop it, etc.

Did he put on sunscreen at camp? Nope. He’s burned.

Try to teach him how to tie his shoes? Nope. He has his own way. He’s 10 and can’t tie his shoes.

Big stuff, like puberty? He screams and runs away, literally. If we try to talk in the car, he just starts screaming.

This has been going on for so many years. We have a therapist. We’re at a loss. I really don’t know what to do.