Anonymous wrote:I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

DH is an only. FIL has close relatives in the area, but MIL didn’t and doesn’t want their help, I don’t know why. She kept the diagnosis from them, and they found out only when FIL’s cousin showed up at my ILs’ door unannounced a few days before FIL passed. Basically FIL’s family members got worried about no contact from ILs, so cousin drove two hours to their house to make sure they were okay. MIL also refuses to have a memorial service in their area, even though that is where all of FIL’s relatives live. She said she will have one in our area even though we are the only ones out here. FIL clearly has family members who cared for him, and I would be devastated if I were one of them. This is pretty typical behavior of MIL. DH doesn’t agree with MIL’s decision, but he says it’s up to her.

DH is planning to go back to MIL in a couple weeks to help her out. I know he wants to be there for her, but after spending two weeks with her and dying FIL, he was so relieved to be back home.

How would your DH work if he lived with his mom? How is she paying her bills? Does she have siblings or other children or friends closer to her?
I’m a widow too- I think her request was selfish. If her husband was sick for a while (mine was) there was a lot of time to prepare for life without him. I do believe everyone grieves differently but you are right to be concerned OP. What she is requesting is not healthy for your marriage and your husbands relationship with his children.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I guess the reason I’m letting this bother me is because she’s now talking about moving to be closer to us. Net-net, I think this is a good thing. But she’s been callously hurtful to my oldest kid in the past, and I’ve never forgiven her for this. And now there’s a good chance that we’re going to live near each other and see each other a lot. Her request to DH that he stay with her for a couple months while telling us not to visit reminds me that she doesn’t particularly care for my kids (until they become useful to her, as DH is).

OK, OP. All that can be true, and she can still be trying to make decisions, get answers, and get “her way” during *the most painful time of her life, when she is now old, alone and scared.*

I get that this is a lot for you, too. But it’s not like DH is packing 15 huge suitcases and telling you he’ll be gone for two months, right? She can want it, she can ask for it, but as long as DH is doing what’s best for your family? You need to chill.

OP, if you want to vent here, go for it. But as others have said this is a grieving old woman who is alone, devastated and scared. She asked for what she wanted. It's okay if she's gently and kindly told no.

If she moves near you and that means a once a week dinner with an old widow for two hours, you can deal with that.

OP again. I guess the reason I’m letting this bother me is because she’s now talking about moving to be closer to us. Net-net, I think this is a good thing. But she’s been callously hurtful to my oldest kid in the past, and I’ve never forgiven her for this. And now there’s a good chance that we’re going to live near each other and see each other a lot. Her request to DH that he stay with her for a couple months while telling us not to visit reminds me that she doesn’t particularly care for my kids (until they become useful to her, as DH is).

OP. I expected to get some negative reactions to my post. I am not basing my conclusion / what I said solely on MIL’s request to DH, there have been other things.

Also, I offered multiple times to MIL for me to bring the kids to visit her. My kids are elementary-aged, so young enough that their schedules are flexible, and missing some school is no big deal, but not so young that they would be a huge distraction or burdensome to MIL. I offered to stay at their house or hotel, at her preference. We visited her and FIL a couple times after his diagnosis, and I was very mindful to keep out of their hair and spend time with her and FIL only when they were up for it. MIL kept insisting I not bring the kids to visit, but at the same time, she kept asking DH to stay with her. It just does not make sense to me how she would ask DH to stay, but tell us not to come.

I also did not read OP’s post as being horrible. MIL is grieving and is probably anxious about living alone for the first time in decades. While her request is understandable, it is not at all reasonable. I would be upset about it as well.

Op, does your husband have siblings? Is anyone else helping out? What does your husband say about this?

Anonymous wrote: She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

OP’s post is not horrible in the slightest. Her extremely selfish MIL wants someone to help her through a crisis despite having no interest in her son, DIL, or grandchildren otherwise.

OP, I think it’s reasonable for your MIL to ask for two more weeks. But no more.

I mean, you say the request is disrespectful of you and the kids. Would you rather she asked all of you to go stay with her for a couple months?

She's newly widowed. Try seeing her request through that lens rather than through the idea that she's being disrespectful of YOU. It's not about you. Yes, it would impact you but it's not ABOUT you.

I'm not saying he should go, at all. Two months is a lot and probably not realistic for most people. But you have a chip on your shoulder.

OK, clearly DH living with MIL for weeks or months on end isn’t reasonable, but…

…you jumping alllllll the way to that horrid theory is wild, considering that the clearest explanation for her behavior is: she. Is. Reeling. From. The. Loss. Of. Her. Husband.

She has a valid excuse for irrational thinking and behavior right now. What’s your excuse, OP?

She's grieving, scared, and probably has not lived alone for a very long time if forever. She asked her son to stay longer. Not to live with her, but to stay a while. Why are you attacking her for that? I understand gently saying no, but your post is really horrible.

I agree with the OP. The request is very tone deaf.
The MIL should get up and move if being proximate to her child is important to her.

I mean it’s obviously it’s insane but dunking on a grieving old woman isn’t cool. He’s not Flynn it obviously so maybe try for some compassion rather than a victory lap.

Correction: DH stayed with his dad, not his FIL, until his passing

We live on the opposite side of the country from ILs. DH recently flew to be with his parents for two weeks, to stay with his FIL until his passing (he had late stage cancer) and a few days after to help his mom with their affairs.

When DH came home, he told me that his mom had wanted him to live with her for a couple months. Without us. I understand her wanting his company, and asking him to stay for another week, or to visit again. But DH is a grown man with a wife and young kids, not to mention a full-time job.

This is the same woman who told me from the early days of our marriage that now that DH was married, we should live our lives independently of theirs, expect nothing from them, and they would do the same. I see now that this line was just an excuse for them to never visit us and to divest themselves of any grandparent-type duties (except when they felt like it), and that the expectation is one-way. I completely support DH flying to his mom to help her out, or our whole family flying over to spend time with her. But for DH to live with her without us?!? I understand there is grief, but this expectation is just insanity, pure selfishness and disrespectful to me and the kids.