Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I have a sweet girl (who turned out to have very mild autism). But she's my second kid. My first is a boy and he has severe ADHD and mild autism, and got into trouble every day at preschool. The kids, *particularly one little girl that I grew to irrationally resent*, would stream out at pick-up time and tell me "Guess what DS did today" and my heart would SINK. How sad is it to be shamed by 4 year olds, OP???

Stay strong and help your boys as much as you can. My son is now a rising senior in college. He has a summer job and a research project with a professor. He will always be quirky and need accommodations, but if he can find position that fits him, he will be successful in the workplace. Bolster your kids' weaknesses and encourage their strengths. It will pay off!

DP here but I can relate so hard!! The parents of those annoying tatle tale 4 year olds are the ones who should be ashamed! I may have told one once that nice kids mind their own business... truly would rather have my disregulated wild child than these obnoxious Karens in the making!

My son grew out of it, OP and I know how hard it is. My boy went from being "that kid" to being the kid that parents want their children to hang with. It's nice. Not going to lie. But we also gave them the mental health break of private school for a bit to get a break from the a$$holes in ES.

Anonymous wrote:Try to keep those boys moving. Wrestling, other high intensity sports with tough coaches, etc. Get 'em tired for the ride home and fall into bed.

Really not helpful. Do you think this isnt something we know and try? Also wrestling with tough coaches for young elementary age? You sound so out of touch.

I have a teenager who has played every sport available including "tough" ones like football and hockey and while there are.pf course upsides, he has never once "fallen in bed" due to exertion. Also OP was not asking for advice on tiring out her kid. She was seeking advice to avoid judgy parents who think they know it all like you.

I'm sorry, OP. I have a sweet girl (who turned out to have very mild autism). But she's my second kid. My first is a boy and he has severe ADHD and mild autism, and got into trouble every day at preschool. The kids, *particularly one little girl that I grew to irrationally resent*, would stream out at pick-up time and tell me "Guess what DS did today" and my heart would SINK. How sad is it to be shamed by 4 year olds, OP???

Stay strong and help your boys as much as you can. My son is now a rising senior in college. He has a summer job and a research project with a professor. He will always be quirky and need accommodations, but if he can find position that fits him, he will be successful in the workplace. Bolster your kids' weaknesses and encourage their strengths. It will pay off!

Try to keep those boys moving. Wrestling, other high intensity sports with tough coaches, etc. Get 'em tired for the ride home and fall into bed.

It is very hard I've been there. But do whatever you can to get over feeling judged by other parents. Get therapy. Disengage. Ignore. Whatever helps to avoid their judgment. In preschool and early elementary I would cry knowing I had to interact with other parents. I let their ignorance cloud the way I helped my child. If I could go back in time the one main thing I would do is care far less what other parents ever thought of me and my kid.

For one, your kids will grow past whatever is happening now. For two, their kids are most likely not as innocent as they claim to be. But mostly for three, save your energy for things that help your child and help you.

I have a kid who threw his desk in 1st grade. I was mortified. I let my shame hinder my decision making and my care for my son. I know that it took longer to get him help because of my embarrassment. FWIW he is now in middle school and is doing extremely well (even though he still struggles socially and doesn't have many friends). Parents who know him in recent years tell me they wish their kids were more like him. He is driven, smart, athletic, and talented. And he hasn't thrown a desk in many years!!

The other parents unfortunately may not have figured out yet that their kids can be jerks sometimes. It is probably not entirely your kid’s fault but when your kid is the one that is known to be getting into trouble, the other parents aren’t going to reflect much or ask questions about what their kid is reporting to them. It sucks, and I’m sorry, but as a parent who definitely realized late that my sweet, small daughter had a sharp tongue and was causing some controversy, including provoking the kids with tempers, there may not be much you can do about it except share your kid’s side of the story and encourage your kid to learn to walk away.

You may be doing too much. Save your money for some fun stuff. It’s a marathon not a sprint. Swim lessons are a great idea. Also the other advice on finding big playgrounds away from where you live.

BTDT--you're in the thick of it. Progress is slow; you don't see the changes. They're happening. Remember changes are linear, there will be regressions.

My ADHD/Anxiety/ASD kid who was in a discrete program is now mainstreamed except for one period a day for 11th grade.

You're doing great!

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry OP. I have been there, and there are still parents from our elementary school that make me instantly go into fight or flight mode even though my kids are now late teens. I found that sort of public critique of my parenting dropped off after elementary school.

My favorite weekend activity when the kids were little was driving them to a big playground far away from home. They did better when not coming with the baggage of the “bad kid” reputation. I did better knowing if something did go wrong, we could apologize and leave without having to see that family again.

Yes! I had curated a list of playgrounds so I was ready to go.
If you have not done it yet, get swim lessons. They burn lots of energy and work on crossing midline.


This time of year is so hard - and I know the anxiety (from a parent POV) leading up to the summer and all the transitions.

You are doing great!

Look into food allergies/sensitivities.

I’m sorry if it helps, my dd who is a sweet girl at school and in public has major anxiety that causes huge panic attacks. Just saying that we don’t all have it together even if it seems like that from the outside.

You’re doing ALL the things, good on you. I hope you get some respite here and there. Take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry OP. I have been there, and there are still parents from our elementary school that make me instantly go into fight or flight mode even though my kids are now late teens. I found that sort of public critique of my parenting dropped off after elementary school.

My favorite weekend activity when the kids were little was driving them to a big playground far away from home. They did better when not coming with the baggage of the “bad kid” reputation. I did better knowing if something did go wrong, we could apologize and leave without having to see that family again.

I'm sorry OP, that all sounds overwhelming. It's clear you're doing your best and that you love your kids. You should give yourself a break.

Also, while I obviously can't speak of the mom who has reach out to you, and it's possible she wants to do exactly what you suspect and lecture you about one of your kids, I also want to share this: I am a mom of a "sweet girl" who also has special needs and can, when dysregulated, do some very non sweet things. My kid is sweet and also my kid is sometimes the problem. And that's probably true of this woman's kid too, whether she realizes it or not. Even neurotypical kids struggle sometimes. Whatever it is she wants to say to you, just remember that her kid isn't just some picture of obedience, there's more to her, and this mom is not the perfect mom, she's struggling too in her own way. Don't turn them into a caricature if you can help it.

I have two kids with special needs, and while the first one was always obvious, I had hoped the second one was neurotypical. Nope. It’s hell. Parenting two hyperactive special needs boys is hell. Being judged by the parents of sweet girls is hell. We’re in speech and OT and play therapy and parent coaching and I’m out of money for ALL THE THINGS and some mom of a sweet little girls wants to talk to me. It’s clear my kid did something. And I’ll deliver appropriate consequences. I’m just so, so, so sad that this is my life. I’m dreading getting judged. We’ve spent thousands on them. I am reading books upon books. I could not be trying harder. Progress is so slow.