Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hundreds of tiny moments OP. Not a podcast or a book or one conversation. It's shifting your own values and then living them daily. It's great you have some self-awareness about it.

If I was in your situation I would start with an open conversation with your daughter telling her you recognize the pattern you've gotten into and why it's problematic. And then I would stop doing what you're doing. Stop with buying all the stuff. Be kind yourself. Recognize it in others and her and speak of it highly. Talk about effort and other qualities and not achievements. In all conversations around her and with her, shift what you are focusing on entirely and the reasons why she matters to you. It's not her grades, her sport, her looks, her friends. It's who she is, how she shows up, her role in your family, etc.

Same poster again and I can mention one book I read which shaped some of my thinking. Never Enough by Jennifer Wallace. But again, it's really a total shift in mindset.

This book is wonderful and I also recommend it. There is a lot of wisdom in it but one of the themes is that our achievement culture creates kids who are super focused on themselves. This not only makes them anxious, but selfish and lacking in empathy. If we want them to be better people all around, we need to let them fail and also give them goals to achieve that aren’t just sports, grades, and getting new stuff.

Materialism and lack of empathy aren’t the same. I agree that you shouldn’t give her everything she wants - but in order to build empathy, talk with her frequently about how OTHER people might be feeling. Have her do meaningful community service. When you hear her being unkind, call her out immediately. Ask how her friends are doing and listen for signs of empathy/non-empathy and catch it in the moment. Talk about nuanced topics without a clear right or wrong, where both sides have good points, and have her articulate different points of view.

Thanks for the helpful comments. My daughter and I have a good relationship, and we’ve talked about my concerns. She doesn’t see herself as mean or superficial, but I can tell she’s reflecting on past behavior that may have come across as dismissive or lacking empathy rather than intentionally unkind.

She’s said that some friends need more emotional engagement and validation than feels natural to her, though I still encourage her to consider others’ perspectives.

I also recognize that I’ve contributed to the issue by rarely saying no and giving her too much materially. While we’re comfortable, we’re not wealthy, and I think I overcompensate because I grew up with very little as the child of a single mother. My husband doesn’t share my concerns. -OP

Stop using material goods as rewards. Praise her for instances where she demonstrates hard work, kindness, courage, integrity, responsibility, considerateness, etc. Use incidents during her day, or TV shows you watch together, to ask her how she felt about X and how she thought other people felt about it. When you're talking, be aware of how you speak about other people, especially in terms of appearance/clothes/status, and when/how you criticize others. She's listening and figuring out what you value and what's important.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

Gonna’ have to agree with this. What you allowed OP has become.

-Mom of one non mean girl

Ok, I’ll bite. Since you identified yourself as having a non mean girl, share with me how you deal with clothing, etc. that your daughter needs and wants.

NP - the bolded is the problem. You don't lump needs and wants together. I make sure my kids have their needs met. That doesn't mean they get all of their wants. How DH and I deal with it is by saying no and following through. We're not in one of the most affluent areas of the DMV, which helps. There's still plenty of money and materialism, but also enough variety that kids who don't have the latest everything aren't shunned because of it. We've had plenty of uncomfortable moments and upset because we set limits. Oh well. That's part of parenting, IMO. We also have very close relationships with our kids, and I do think our willingness to sit with them when they're upset is part of it.

Parents that are willing to sit in the discomfort of their kid’s emotions don’t resort to materialism as a salve to everything. The girls in particular get socially rewarded by these behaviors which are rather goddamned obviously generated and supported at home by the parents. A rich kid with parents that make the wants/needs distinction clear, say no, and don’t just say ‘well if you get straight As everything is perfect’ will be fine, it’s not about HHI at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

Gonna’ have to agree with this. What you allowed OP has become.

-Mom of one non mean girl

Ok, I’ll bite. Since you identified yourself as having a non mean girl, share with me how you deal with clothing, etc. that your daughter needs and wants.

NP - the bolded is the problem. You don't lump needs and wants together. I make sure my kids have their needs met. That doesn't mean they get all of their wants. How DH and I deal with it is by saying no and following through. We're not in one of the most affluent areas of the DMV, which helps. There's still plenty of money and materialism, but also enough variety that kids who don't have the latest everything aren't shunned because of it. We've had plenty of uncomfortable moments and upset because we set limits. Oh well. That's part of parenting, IMO. We also have very close relationships with our kids, and I do think our willingness to sit with them when they're upset is part of it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's hundreds of tiny moments OP. Not a podcast or a book or one conversation. It's shifting your own values and then living them daily. It's great you have some self-awareness about it.

If I was in your situation I would start with an open conversation with your daughter telling her you recognize the pattern you've gotten into and why it's problematic. And then I would stop doing what you're doing. Stop with buying all the stuff. Be kind yourself. Recognize it in others and her and speak of it highly. Talk about effort and other qualities and not achievements. In all conversations around her and with her, shift what you are focusing on entirely and the reasons why she matters to you. It's not her grades, her sport, her looks, her friends. It's who she is, how she shows up, her role in your family, etc.

Same poster again and I can mention one book I read which shaped some of my thinking. Never Enough by Jennifer Wallace. But again, it's really a total shift in mindset.

She won’t do it. It’s a part of who she is - they sort of cluck wistfully about how ‘grown’ the girls are, how ‘cool,’ and act surprised when the text thread calling kids who wear Target ‘trash’ finally gets to school admin. This happened in our UMC school; my DD was NOT targeted. It’s just an incredibly predictable pattern. OP, focusing on Aerie and getting all dummy-huffy about Aerie not Alo sort of proves it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

Wow, who hurt you? That was a rather mean spirited and unhelpful response. And you’re wrong about a lot. She doesn’t own Alo leggings or a Stanley cup. We have more of an Aerie leggings and Odwala water bottle budget, to be honest. I also think you have a distorted idea of me and my parenting but that’s not my concern. I do wonder though what motivates such an unkind response to someone asking about how to encourage more kindness in their child. Do better! -OP

I have done better, so I’m not facing your ‘dilemma.’

Anonymous wrote:It's hundreds of tiny moments OP. Not a podcast or a book or one conversation. It's shifting your own values and then living them daily. It's great you have some self-awareness about it.

If I was in your situation I would start with an open conversation with your daughter telling her you recognize the pattern you've gotten into and why it's problematic. And then I would stop doing what you're doing. Stop with buying all the stuff. Be kind yourself. Recognize it in others and her and speak of it highly. Talk about effort and other qualities and not achievements. In all conversations around her and with her, shift what you are focusing on entirely and the reasons why she matters to you. It's not her grades, her sport, her looks, her friends. It's who she is, how she shows up, her role in your family, etc.

Same poster again and I can mention one book I read which shaped some of my thinking. Never Enough by Jennifer Wallace. But again, it's really a total shift in mindset.

It's hundreds of tiny moments OP. Not a podcast or a book or one conversation. It's shifting your own values and then living them daily. It's great you have some self-awareness about it.

If I was in your situation I would start with an open conversation with your daughter telling her you recognize the pattern you've gotten into and why it's problematic. And then I would stop doing what you're doing. Stop with buying all the stuff. Be kind yourself. Recognize it in others and her and speak of it highly. Talk about effort and other qualities and not achievements. In all conversations around her and with her, shift what you are focusing on entirely and the reasons why she matters to you. It's not her grades, her sport, her looks, her friends. It's who she is, how she shows up, her role in your family, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

Gonna’ have to agree with this. What you allowed OP has become.

-Mom of one non mean girl

Ok, I’ll bite. Since you identified yourself as having a non mean girl, share with me how you deal with clothing, etc. that your daughter needs and wants.

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

Wow, who hurt you? That was a rather mean spirited and unhelpful response. And you’re wrong about a lot. She doesn’t own Alo leggings or a Stanley cup. We have more of an Aerie leggings and Odwala water bottle budget, to be honest. I also think you have a distorted idea of me and my parenting but that’s not my concern. I do wonder though what motivates such an unkind response to someone asking about how to encourage more kindness in their child. Do better! -OP

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

Gonna’ have to agree with this. What you allowed OP has become.

-Mom of one non mean girl

I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years.

I’m noticing some things in my 13 year old daughter that concern me, and I’m wondering if others have navigated this successfully.

To be clear, I have no indication that she is a “mean girl,” but from things I’ve seen and read, I don’t think she is always as empathetic, thoughtful, or caring a friend as I would hope. She can be very focused on status, appearance, fitting in, and herself in a way that feels somewhat developmentally normal, but I also do not want to ignore it.

I also recognize my own role in this. She is a really hard working, conscientious kid with good grades, strong commitment to her club sport, and she is generally helpful when asked. Because of that, it has been easy for me to reward her with the latest clothes, accessories, and other material things she wants. I am starting to wonder whether I have unintentionally overemphasized achievement, status, and rewards and not enough kindness, perspective taking, or generosity.

I would love advice from parents who have successfully course corrected at this age. What actually helped build empathy, humility, gratitude, and genuine kindness in your tweens or teens? Especially for kids who are high achieving and socially aware but maybe becoming a little too invested in appearances or themselves.

I am hoping to use the summer intentionally and would really appreciate ideas, experiences, or even book or podcast recommendations.