Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

I think this is the case for a lot of people. People see what you want them to see.

I assume I don't really know what's going on in other people's lives, even those who broadcast everything on social media. Actually, ESPECIALLY those people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

I have a lot of actual friends. But what’s the point of complaining to them about a decision I made 20 years ago (to marry a man that I didn’t love)? I didn’t advertise it to the world that I didn’t love him and was unhappy because of that.

For example, he isn’t my type physically, and for more than 20 years, every time when I looked at him I thought how much I don’t like what his face looks like. It’s not something I’d share, and if your friend told you something like that, you’d think that they are insane.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite. Know more happy ones than unhappy ones.

Said literally everyone who was blindsided when my ex and I separated. We put up a great facade!

Anonymous wrote:Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

Um. Not really. That is not a normal or typical experience.

Here's the thing. Marriage can be good one day and bad another day. Just like the weather can change from one day to another, the temperature and mood of a marriage can change dramatically day to day. You just don't know.

Anonymous wrote:You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

So you don't have any actual friends? Because I talk to mine about things we're going through. When I got divorced none of them were shocked.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite. Know more happy ones than unhappy ones.

Same.

And yes, we talk because we're friends. And we see these people a lot. But you can say I still don't know what's going on, whatever.

I think the vast majority of my friends are in happy marriages — on balance. Some of this is because 5 of my close couple friends are from a marriage enrichment group that are super intentional in their marriage. Some of this is because my other friends got married at an average age of 32 plus.

But these are also grown ups who understand there are ebbs and flows. They aren’t thinking that everything should be “happy, happy, happy” all the time. The men are much better than average at contributing to home and family life. They are all the type of people who would do (and have done in some cases) individual or marriage therapy as needed — but aren’t stuck in some endless loop of “I need to endlessly navel gaze with a therapist for years.” They get that any roommate is going to have stuff that annoys you and that you need to see the bigger picture.

Isn’t 50 at the bottom of the U on the lifetime happiness curve? I think a lot of people find themselves unhappy with life in general around that age. If they can just stick it out, persevere and do the work, the happiness will come back.

I'm 48, DH is 51. We are still very happy and committed to each other.

You never know what’s truly going on in a family. When I decided to leave DH last year, all of our friends were surprised because I always “looked so happy” and they thought we are happy together.

On the other hand, people might vent to their friends making an impression of an unhappy couple but then they go home and feel quite good in general.

I think it's the overall unhappiness of Americans. My mom and dad and all of their friends have good, functional, happy marriages. They are all fundamentally flawed human beings. They just seem to accept a lot more of what GenX thinks of as failings.

Anonymous wrote:I'm the opposite. Know more happy ones than unhappy ones.

Maybe they don’t tell you…

I'm the opposite. Know more happy ones than unhappy ones.

I think I know more people with bad marriages than good ones. They stick it out - either indefinitely or for the time being but almost no one is happy with their spouses around age 50. All have their reasons and they’re all valid IMO.