Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is little you can do. He is legally able to make his own decisions. Maybe get him a med alert bracelet so you can be notified if he falls and emt comes.

Yeah I think we are doing a smart watch because it can monitor his Afib.

I feel so much guilt i cant help more, but my brother has been amazing. I just worry about my brother too..

I just responded and then saw this.
I was the sibling who was home. It felt like the other siblings were just waiting for a funeral announcement, honestly. That made me feel very alone.

Get on a plane and go visit. It might be the last time you see your dad. Check on your brother too. You can't offer much but you can do something besides hand wringing.

Sounds so easy right? I am not the PP but my parents were cross country and it cost a grand or more every time I went

This is a real concern for many. I spent a lot seeing my grandmother in her last year. In my case, I was fortunate that my father helped with the expenses. I was also doing doctor visits and lots of tasks and work for grandmother while using up my vacation time. While I don't regret helping in this way, it was also expensive, which is a concern for regular folks like me.

NP

OP - it sounds like rather than calling it a caregiver, see if you could find a housekeeper
to come twice a week to prepare some meals/freezing some single potions in dish to warm up and note how to do so, do laundry, take him out shopping for food weekly. Also hire a service to clean every other week. The houdekeeper would be a care reporter to your brother on how he is doing.

If you go out, you could also do research on local care agencies and share services provided and fees for future use to your brother. Also at 90 look at options on assisted living and nursing care. If he has the funds and your brother is overwhelmed, see if there are any elder care managers who could be hired to coordinate any services.

Anonymous wrote:I do keep checking in on my brother and he keeps telling me it is fine (but does talk to me about being overwhelemed). I can go visit though (was planning too for my dad's bday in August but can go sooner). Any suggestions on how to better support my brother, I will gladly take those too.

Lucky my dad has a will/trust/advanced directive. He did that 20 years ago. I will look into getting a POA that we can use now too. He gave my brother access to all.of his doctor record portals so we can follow up.

I think he is coming around to a caregiver (at least i hope) . I know we can hire someone to take him to doctors appointments but can they attend the appointments too? If my dad consents? I was not sure it folks were willing to do that..

Yes, they can. Private hire aides and nurses can go with him and sit in on the appointment.
-- social worker in geriatrics

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is little you can do. He is legally able to make his own decisions. Maybe get him a med alert bracelet so you can be notified if he falls and emt comes.

Yeah I think we are doing a smart watch because it can monitor his Afib.

I feel so much guilt i cant help more, but my brother has been amazing. I just worry about my brother too..

I just responded and then saw this.
I was the sibling who was home. It felt like the other siblings were just waiting for a funeral announcement, honestly. That made me feel very alone.

Get on a plane and go visit. It might be the last time you see your dad. Check on your brother too. You can't offer much but you can do something besides hand wringing.

Sounds so easy right? I am not the PP but my parents were cross country and it cost a grand or more every time I went

Anonymous wrote:You know, he is 90. He is making poor decisions but they are his to make.

My elderly family member chose to stop taking her medication that helped prevent strokes. So 8 months later, she had a stroke and died. Her choice and we had to respect it.

Your father is telling you both he is done.

Yeah I think so, just want it to be more peaceful. My mom's death was horrific I dont want that for my dad ...

I do keep checking in on my brother and he keeps telling me it is fine (but does talk to me about being overwhelemed). I can go visit though (was planning too for my dad's bday in August but can go sooner). Any suggestions on how to better support my brother, I will gladly take those too.

Lucky my dad has a will/trust/advanced directive. He did that 20 years ago. I will look into getting a POA that we can use now too. He gave my brother access to all.of his doctor record portals so we can follow up.

I think he is coming around to a caregiver (at least i hope) . I know we can hire someone to take him to doctors appointments but can they attend the appointments too? If my dad consents? I was not sure it folks were willing to do that..

You know, he is 90. He is making poor decisions but they are his to make.

My elderly family member chose to stop taking her medication that helped prevent strokes. So 8 months later, she had a stroke and died. Her choice and we had to respect it.

Your father is telling you both he is done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is little you can do. He is legally able to make his own decisions. Maybe get him a med alert bracelet so you can be notified if he falls and emt comes.

Yeah I think we are doing a smart watch because it can monitor his Afib.

I feel so much guilt i cant help more, but my brother has been amazing. I just worry about my brother too..

I just responded and then saw this.
I was the sibling who was home. It felt like the other siblings were just waiting for a funeral announcement, honestly. That made me feel very alone.

Get on a plane and go visit. It might be the last time you see your dad. Check on your brother too. You can't offer much but you can do something besides hand wringing.

Ask your brother what you can do to help. He is there in the thick of it, presumably visiting him in rehab and will be driving him home.

Here are things that should happen (but I agree with PP- you and your brother can only do what dad allows).

Go through his calendar and get up to speed on all his doctor appointments. Accompany him to them.

Go through all his meds and help him with a pill case, laminated instructions, what to do in an emergency.

Does he have a smart phone? Look into getting an emergency call button connected to that. Get him voice activation to call you and teach him how. Or get him an echo.

Definitely get POA (that starts now and now when he's incapacitated) and Advance Directive

Get him to sign a will, even a simple one. Going through Probate is a PIA.

If he can stay at home figure out how and accept that there will be risks and he may die there. Have a system so that he's not alone or suffering come what may. (will)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You or your brother need POA. So you can manage their finances as necessary and interact with rehab or care facilities.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

I have a POA and MOA but only if he is incapacitated. I was looking but it didnt seem like I could set something up if he has full mental capacity (which he does he just cant hear and refuses to admit it). 😞

Sorry meant to say financial and medical POA

Anonymous wrote:There is little you can do. He is legally able to make his own decisions. Maybe get him a med alert bracelet so you can be notified if he falls and emt comes.

Yeah I think we are doing a smart watch because it can monitor his Afib.

I feel so much guilt i cant help more, but my brother has been amazing. I just worry about my brother too..

Anonymous wrote:You or your brother need POA. So you can manage their finances as necessary and interact with rehab or care facilities.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

I have a POA and MOA but only if he is incapacitated. I was looking but it didnt seem like I could set something up if he has full mental capacity (which he does he just cant hear and refuses to admit it). 😞

There is little you can do. He is legally able to make his own decisions. Maybe get him a med alert bracelet so you can be notified if he falls and emt comes.

You or your brother need POA. So you can manage their finances as necessary and interact with rehab or care facilities.

Sorry you’re dealing with this.

My dad is turning 90 in August. He lives 2k miles away from me but my brother lives near him. He is very stubborn and full twice last week, on the 2nd my brother forced him to go to the hospital and he has been there ever since. He is likely going to be released to rehab this week. No injuries but he was in heart failure because he ignored months of chest pain thinking it was COPD.

I didn't realize but had not been letting my brother in his house and things were not good.

He is clearly in need of a lot of assistance but wants to stay at home. We have cleaners coming to do a deep clean this week. But I guess I am just looking for next steps, feeling overwhelmed 😕

My mom passed in 2007 and he has been alone since then. His hearing aides dont appear to be providing much help so I think he hasnt been understanding what his doctors are telling him.

Any suggestions and advice about next steps and type of care out there (in general terms since he lives far away). Luckily money is not an issue for him.