Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage Ned to get into theatre - it's where the quirky kids congregate. Even if he doesn't want to/can't act, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff he could do.

Also, Ned is simply immature in addition to being addicted to screens.

The theater kids I was friends with would not have been cool with nazi crap or eating other people’s cake

Yes, but they'll tell him to his face to shut it down and he needs to hear it from peers. Teens ignore what their parents say. They listen to other kids.

OP here. Ned has been with the same theatre group since he was in early elementary school, and is volunteering there since he aged out, so he must enjoy it. I cannot say if he makes the Nazi comments at the theatre group (I am guessing not), but I got the sense that he doesn’t really have friends there either.

Anonymous wrote:Is he saying the Nazi stuff in front of other kids or just for shock value in front of family to get attention? Either way it’s not okay but it’s possible he’s not doing this in public at school.

He’s 15. You can’t be picking out his clothes and shouldn’t be. You also can’t sign him up for sports at this age, or really anything. It’s up to him what he wants to do.

You can’t really help and really, it’s best you stay out of it unless the kid himself is looking for advice.

I don’t know if he would say the Nazi stuff, but judging by what he has told us in the past about school, yes, he does say things for shock value in front of other kids.

We have a family text group going, which is all adults and him (my kids don’t have a phone), and he recently posted something like “I hate myself and my life”, which prompted one of my siblings (not DB) to call him, which is when he confided to my sibling that he’s miserable etc. I took his text as a cry for help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the dad blames ex-wife for everything and once the kid turns 18 I wouldn't be surprised if he wants nothing to do with him, whereupon the dad will proclaim the ex turned the son against him and he doesn't know why.

+1

+2

Very common

Your DB sounds utterly clueless about child development. Signing him up for sports will only make him more miserable. He needs professional help for basic motor coordination, and professional help for social skills, and a screening for depression and autism. Yes the divorce makes it way worse, but you say he's always had issues. The loss of friendships is because he is falling further behind in maturity.

You can be a caring and responsible adult in his life who accepts him and values him exactly as he is. If he would like an outing, take him out. If not, stay in and let him choose an activity. Applaud his efforts in any area you can. Does he do Mathnasium because he's behind or because he's talented? Maybe there's an avenue there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Encourage Ned to get into theatre - it's where the quirky kids congregate. Even if he doesn't want to/can't act, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff he could do.

Also, Ned is simply immature in addition to being addicted to screens.

The theater kids I was friends with would not have been cool with nazi crap or eating other people’s cake

Yes, but they'll tell him to his face to shut it down and he needs to hear it from peers. Teens ignore what their parents say. They listen to other kids.

There's nothing you can do. This is all about the divorce.

Anonymous wrote:Just like him for who he is even if he’s weird. Kids who are weird can’t just magically become typical kids with typical interests.

Does he have to take PE every year? Around here there is only 1 year of HS PE so that would solve itself.

Suggest ways for DB to help him find kids he’d vibe with or kids who are more accepting of weird. Encouraging him to be less weird is a losing battle. He will either do it on his own when he feels more secure/happy with himself or it’s just who he is and he needs to learn how to find “his people” and build healthy friendships with people who like him in all his weirdness.

The Nazi stuff and disregard of others is concerning. Since that’s happening within the family, DB and other family members can take a harder line if “that’s not who we are” and when he’s with you all he needs to meet minimum standards of courtesy and residency for others.

We have been accepting of his “weird” and never have criticized or checked him, except when it comes to manners (don’t eat your cousin’s bday cake) and things he says that cross the line. But even as to the latter, we ignore a lot of what he says because it seems like he’s just trying to get negative attention anyway.

He’s been weird since elementary & his friends from then and MS are at his HS. Im assuming these friends were accepting of who he is but maybe the dynamics have changed since this is their first year of HS.

Is he saying the Nazi stuff in front of other kids or just for shock value in front of family to get attention? Either way it’s not okay but it’s possible he’s not doing this in public at school.

He’s 15. You can’t be picking out his clothes and shouldn’t be. You also can’t sign him up for sports at this age, or really anything. It’s up to him what he wants to do.

You can’t really help and really, it’s best you stay out of it unless the kid himself is looking for advice.

Anonymous wrote:Encourage Ned to get into theatre - it's where the quirky kids congregate. Even if he doesn't want to/can't act, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff he could do.

Also, Ned is simply immature in addition to being addicted to screens.

The theater kids I was friends with would not have been cool with nazi crap or eating other people’s cake

Encourage Ned to get into theatre - it's where the quirky kids congregate. Even if he doesn't want to/can't act, there's a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff he could do.

Also, Ned is simply immature in addition to being addicted to screens.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the dad blames ex-wife for everything and once the kid turns 18 I wouldn't be surprised if he wants nothing to do with him, whereupon the dad will proclaim the ex turned the son against him and he doesn't know why.

+1

I agree with your brother that a lot of things are bees fault.

Sounds like the dad blames ex-wife for everything and once the kid turns 18 I wouldn't be surprised if he wants nothing to do with him, whereupon the dad will proclaim the ex turned the son against him and he doesn't know why.

Just like him for who he is even if he’s weird. Kids who are weird can’t just magically become typical kids with typical interests.

Does he have to take PE every year? Around here there is only 1 year of HS PE so that would solve itself.

Suggest ways for DB to help him find kids he’d vibe with or kids who are more accepting of weird. Encouraging him to be less weird is a losing battle. He will either do it on his own when he feels more secure/happy with himself or it’s just who he is and he needs to learn how to find “his people” and build healthy friendships with people who like him in all his weirdness.

The Nazi stuff and disregard of others is concerning. Since that’s happening within the family, DB and other family members can take a harder line if “that’s not who we are” and when he’s with you all he needs to meet minimum standards of courtesy and residency for others.

My 15 yo nephew “Ned” recently confided in a family member that he’s miserable. He says he doesn’t have any friends at school, so he eats lunch with one of his teachers, and that he is bullied. I’m sure my brother/his dad is sympathetic, but more than anything, he seems frustrated because he thinks Ned’s problems are in part of his own making, and he feels that his hands are partially tied because he and his ex-wife are at odds parenting-wise.

I’ll share some things about Ned, but there is a lot more:
1. According to my DB, Ned gets teased a lot because he dresses funny. Example: dress shirt with furry vest and athletic shorts. I asked if he could have Ned plan his outfits on Sunday for the week, or remove the non-school clothes from Ned’s closet. DB says that Ned refuses to do anything of the sort, and in any case, Ned spends half the week at his mom’s house.

2. Ned is also very unathletic/uncoordinated, so he apparently gets teased during PE. My DB is athletic and has wanted to sign Ned up for sports for years, but his ex-wife refuses.

3. Since my family moved back to our home state (where DB & Ned live) 5 years ago, Ned has always been a “quirky kid”, at best. Always saying bizarre things for effect (attention-seeking), which have gotten more outrageous with age, e.g., complimenting Nazis (Ned & our extended family are all non-white) & sexual jokes in front of adult relatives. Poor table manners, such as eating all of the entree before family members who are serving get to sit down, or tasting the birthday cake -not his own- before we sing happy birthday. His dad will verbally correct him, but it seems to make little to no difference (the cake tasting happened multiple times before it stopped).

4. DB believes that Ned is partially at fault for his own problems. For instance, if the kids are bullying him about his clothes, why doesn’t he wear clothing that’s more appropriate for school? And though I don’t think DB would ever say it, I’m pretty sure he thinks that if Ned acted more “normal”, then he would fit in better at school.

5. DB also mentioned that Ned used to be a lot more organized and clean, for instance, putting away dishes and milk in the fridge after he eats breakfast, but that he no longer does this. A lot of teens are horribly messy, so whatever, but the change in behavior is what worries me more.

I’m guessing that a big source of his issues is that his parents have been at odds since the divorce when he was in early elem. His mom has used Ned to get back at DB and talks sh*t about us to Ned since he was little. She is very focused on his academics (he goes to Mathnasium 5x a week), but otherwise seems pretty checked out; for instance, he gets unlimited & unchecked screentime since he was in elementary school.

Ned just recently started therapy (his mom finally gave permission), so hopefully that will help. I am just wondering what we (extended family) can do to help Ned. He and DB live an hour away, so we haven’t been able to spend time with him more than once a month. Anyway, I know there’s only so much that family members other than his parents can do to help. I am posting just to see if anyone has any thoughts that i haven’t already.