Many kids talk about transferring. It's a viable plan for some (and feels more common in recent years among our UMC circles). Mine had a hard first semester and talked about transferring but ended up having a better second semester and not submitting any applications. A friend of hers did and is going to a college that she's hoping will be a better fit (and is ranked higher to boot).

My brother (who does have mental health challenges) sort of went through this. It wasn't that he didn't get into specific top choices, he just had VERY mixed feelings about the schools he applied and was accepted to. He decided to go because he didn't know what else to do, but totally freaked out on moving day and flunked out first semester. .

He came home and went to community college on and off (alternating between working food service and taking classes, he hated each so much he'd switch between them every semester). Eventually had enough credits to transfer to a state school that he loved. So it did work out, it just took a while.

I hope your DC eventually loves the school they've committed to, but if it doesn't work out, be supportive of different paths and don't imply failure.

Can DC transfer?

Mental health is critical to focus on. And, most HS seniors these days would benefit from a gap year where they do something productive and interesting and learn about themselves in a whole new way.

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened to me. My friends all got into the top, top schools and I did not. I was not at all excited about the well-regarded but not tip-top college I was going to. We were all at a top high school and had been working towards getting into the top schools without really knowing why. I headed to college with a pretty crappy mindset about the place, with my terrible high school boyfriend two hours away, and spent most of the first six months focused on visiting him and not making any friends. I didn't join anything, didn't exercise, didn't really do anything, and my grades sucked. In hindsight, I was depressed, but did not understand it. I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend second semester, dealing with the end of that relationship, the depression, and the lack of friends by making a string of awful sexual decisions over the next few months that everyone seemed to find out about and that followed me for the rest of college, and having what was probably a breakdown at the end of the year, which I had to handle myself because my parents don't really believe in mental health things. I spent the summer before sophomore year reading mental health books at Barnes & Noble and pulling myself together, then I went to the campus mental health center when I got back in the fall.

You're already miles in front of where my parents were at this point because you're at least thinking about this. What would have helped me would have been someone to talk to about accepting the school and pivoting to making the best of it. Going in with a crappy attitude and not trying to become part of a community was killer for me. This is a life lesson that will carry through to jobs, etc. You have to become a part of a community, even one you don't love. I also would have benefited from some help learning about how to transfer schools, so at least I would have had some goals and some idea of the steps, and perhaps I would have understood that if I wanted to get out of there, I needed to ace my classes and not skate through. I just had no support for this and totally flailed, so had no chance to transfer out of there. This also hurt me when I applied to grad schools later on.

I will say that as horrible as this experience was, it was a massive learning experience for me, and I'm not sure I would be the person I am today without it. But honestly, it was brutal, and I'd take the risk that some help would have made be a bit less thick skinned and resilient than I am now.

100%

DC with super high stats was rejected everywhere except for in state flagship. What an ego hit that was. DC had never had such an academic failure their whole lives. Similar thing happened to someone I know who is bright but due to some series of events, ended up at a T200 public. Also, a huge ego hit. DC had one other disappointment freshmen to sophomore year, and they also took that hard. But, they didn't just give up. They did what what they could to make the most of it, and that segued into amazing opportunities in the future.

But, in some ways, I'm glad these things happened to DC because, like I said, they've had very few challenges in the past, and they needed to learn how to fail and pick themselves up.

Both kids made the most of it while they were there. They are about to graduate with amazing prospects in hand for the future.

I have always told my children that no matter where they end up, to always make the most of it.

I am the PP with the long personal story above. I just want to echo another comment that this may be a sign of some mental health issue that you haven't realized exists yet. Maybe not as severe as bipolar disorder but nonetheless important to diagnose and address. Or it could be just a product of the college rat race environment your kid has been swimming in. Or a combination of all of it, which was the case for me (mild to medium mental health issues exacerbated by environment). Better to figure it now and get in front of it.

Anonymous wrote:DC is disappointed in their admitted schools and where they ultimately enrolled. I sort of understand the disappointment - their chosen school wasn’t their first or second choice. However, it is a Top 25 school, so I find the conversations around their disappointment and wanting to transfer out incredibly frustrating. I think they need mental health support in order to be in a better place mentally before arriving on campus in the fall. Did you go through this with your DC? Do you have a mental health provider to recommend?

It’s okay for him to be sad. He’s grieving for what he didn’t get. It’s okay for him to have those feelings. Don’t make this about your own discomfort. Tell him to go in with an open mind, and if he still wants to try to transfer after being in the school, you’ll support him.

Something like this happened to me. My friends all got into the top, top schools and I did not. I was not at all excited about the well-regarded but not tip-top college I was going to. We were all at a top high school and had been working towards getting into the top schools without really knowing why. I headed to college with a pretty crappy mindset about the place, with my terrible high school boyfriend two hours away, and spent most of the first six months focused on visiting him and not making any friends. I didn't join anything, didn't exercise, didn't really do anything, and my grades sucked. In hindsight, I was depressed, but did not understand it. I ended up breaking up with the boyfriend second semester, dealing with the end of that relationship, the depression, and the lack of friends by making a string of awful sexual decisions over the next few months that everyone seemed to find out about and that followed me for the rest of college, and having what was probably a breakdown at the end of the year, which I had to handle myself because my parents don't really believe in mental health things. I spent the summer before sophomore year reading mental health books at Barnes & Noble and pulling myself together, then I went to the campus mental health center when I got back in the fall.

You're already miles in front of where my parents were at this point because you're at least thinking about this. What would have helped me would have been someone to talk to about accepting the school and pivoting to making the best of it. Going in with a crappy attitude and not trying to become part of a community was killer for me. This is a life lesson that will carry through to jobs, etc. You have to become a part of a community, even one you don't love. I also would have benefited from some help learning about how to transfer schools, so at least I would have had some goals and some idea of the steps, and perhaps I would have understood that if I wanted to get out of there, I needed to ace my classes and not skate through. I just had no support for this and totally flailed, so had no chance to transfer out of there. This also hurt me when I applied to grad schools later on.

I will say that as horrible as this experience was, it was a massive learning experience for me, and I'm not sure I would be the person I am today without it. But honestly, it was brutal, and I'd take the risk that some help would have made be a bit less thick skinned and resilient than I am now.

No, I didn't go trough anything like this with DC. They know that not getting into their preferred school is the least of the life problems in life.
There is nothing more important in life than mental and physical health. Money and good life usually follow the two.
Why is your DC's mental health tied to any school this way?

“Hey kid. Buck up and quit whining.”

There is your support, OP

Mental health “support?” You’re joking, right?

I'd just keep an eye on them. I have an older sibling who didn't get into their top choice (though they were at a top ten) and had a bit of a breakdown and ended up hospitalized in fall of freshman year after a self harm attempt. With medication and therapy she adjusted and graduated just fine from the school she did go to. But it was the first strong manifestation of her bipolar disorder. She's gone on to have a full successful career and life, but it’s just always going to be a factor.

Now I want to strongly emphasize that what my sibling has is rare and the vast majority of kids who are a bit bummed will be totally fine. But just keep an eye on your kids and keep talking and if you feel like something is off, get help.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you just need to let them be disappointed for a while. Disappointment is a normal feeling, not a pathology.

+1000 Also, your role at this stage is to provide support through the ups and especially the downs of life

Maybe you just need to let them be disappointed for a while. Disappointment is a normal feeling, not a pathology.

DC is disappointed in their admitted schools and where they ultimately enrolled. I sort of understand the disappointment - their chosen school wasn’t their first or second choice. However, it is a Top 25 school, so I find the conversations around their disappointment and wanting to transfer out incredibly frustrating. I think they need mental health support in order to be in a better place mentally before arriving on campus in the fall. Did you go through this with your DC? Do you have a mental health provider to recommend?