Anonymous wrote:Just stay quiet in listen. Agree, no good comes out of expressing negative opinions. Your son would probably tell the gf what you are saying anyhow and that would only inflame things.

This

The more you push the more he’ll pull. Be nice to the gf and maintain your relationship with your son. Don’t say or do anything that will make it difficult for him to come to you if those red flags turn into trouble.

Anonymous wrote:There is absolutely nothing you can do that will affect anything.
When I was in college I brought home a guy, my third boyfriend. My mother had not cared for the first two at all but fell completely in love with the third one. She talked him up constantly “he’s the one!” And encouraged me to hold onto him at all costs.
He was a great guy and ended up extremely successful but I broke up with him because it turned me off that my mother was pushing him so heavily.

I mean...your mom knew best. Should have listened to her!

There is absolutely nothing you can do that will affect anything.
When I was in college I brought home a guy, my third boyfriend. My mother had not cared for the first two at all but fell completely in love with the third one. She talked him up constantly “he’s the one!” And encouraged me to hold onto him at all costs.
He was a great guy and ended up extremely successful but I broke up with him because it turned me off that my mother was pushing him so heavily.

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with this - my college freshman dc ended up with serious gf that has a ton of red flags. Really his first serious relationship. At this age I don't think its really worth discussing with him as he has to figure all this out for himself but is there any value in being open about our feelings?

Zero value.

The closest you can come to being open about it is asking questions.

They are probably too young and inexperienced to understand why these are red flags and that people can’t change.
I would definitely discuss this with my kid.

Just stay quiet in listen. Agree, no good comes out of expressing negative opinions. Your son would probably tell the gf what you are saying anyhow and that would only inflame things.

Anonymous wrote:My mother made it impossible to live with her if she didn't like who I dated. Mind you, these were teen relationships, and I knew even then they would not result in anything life long or even super serious. I was young and in order to keep the peace, I ended the relationships. Then she continued to do this well into my 20s. Now she is wondering why I don't share much with her.

Agree with this.

Don't be judgmental. Be kind and a sounding board if he ever wants to talk about the relationship, and then just speak in general terms.

My mom also handled my younger relationships poorly and if I'm being honest, it ruined (the romantic part of) my life. I wouldn't have married the wrong person and now be divorced if my mom hadn't behaved like a crazy person. I come from a different culture where a lot of parents act like this, but the ones who defied their parents and did their own thing are all still happily married.

My mother made it impossible to live with her if she didn't like who I dated. Mind you, these were teen relationships, and I knew even then they would not result in anything life long or even super serious. I was young and in order to keep the peace, I ended the relationships. Then she continued to do this well into my 20s. Now she is wondering why I don't share much with her.

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the red flags. My cousin had a bad relationship which truly derailed the course of his life for a good 10 years. My aunt and uncle really embraced her to be nice, despite reservations. They should not have.

You're assuming not embracing her would have changed the outcome, but I've never seen it work like that.

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the red flags. My cousin had a bad relationship which truly derailed the course of his life for a good 10 years. My aunt and uncle really embraced her to be nice, despite reservations. They should not have.

Of course, they should have. They did the right thing. You seem to think you have a right to control your adult children. You do not.

It depends on the red flags. My cousin had a bad relationship which truly derailed the course of his life for a good 10 years. My aunt and uncle really embraced her to be nice, despite reservations. They should not have.

Negative value. Decent chance they can tell anyway.

Zero value in telling them your feelings.

How do you deal with this - my college freshman dc ended up with serious gf that has a ton of red flags. Really his first serious relationship. At this age I don't think its really worth discussing with him as he has to figure all this out for himself but is there any value in being open about our feelings?