The clothing and hygiene thing suggests sensory issues. Have you had that looked into?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting the kid any help or just criticizing?

Closet: he has a school uniform. There are brand new shirts in his size lined up in his closet by size and color. A rack for ties (that he instead loses). All his socks are the same. There is a separate dresser in his closet just for athletic clothes organized by athletic socks (top drawer), tops, bottom, and white vs colored. He has a hamper and a separate basket to accept things he has outgrown. Instead he reaches into the laundry to pull out dirty things, won’t accept that things don’t fit (thinks everything is “fine”) and won’t alert me when he needs something (and also refuses to come shopping).

School: he has a math tutor who comes twice a week. I force him to visit his teachers, who he blames for his missing work. There is a resource room at school that I have been begging him to make an appointment with for months. Nothing happens.

He isn’t even trying.

It's not working because the math tutor and teachers are not teaching him executive functioning. That's what he really needs.

He's not going to go to the resource room because he's overwhelmed and he's avoiding the issue. Stop begging him. Find a new way. The outside coaches are better if the kid is embarrassed to seek help at school.

You need to look at yourself here. You've done a lot of things. You're really trying super-hard! But you know your approach is not working. So you need to change your approach. It seems like you feel entitled to a neurotypical kid or a kid who isn't so hard for you to parent. But nobody is entitled to any type of kid, and this is what you got. So you need to find a new way. And it starts with accepting your child who has very poor executive functioning.

As for the outgrown clothes, take them away. Take the dirty clothes too. What would he do if his hamper were empty?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately sometimes the oldest clothes get ruined by our dryer. It snags on the lint trap and the oldest clothes have the most worn-out weak fibers, so they tear. It's a real bummer! There is no solution.

You need to accept his low executive functioning and minimize un-important stuff. For example, think capsule wardrobe. All pants are blue or gray. All tops go with blue and gray. All socks are white or black. If he likes something, buy duplicates. So he can't screw it up and doesn't have to think about it. Lots of people like capsule wardrobes because it's so much less effort.

Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and hire someone, the parent-child relationship is far too fraught for you to help him successfully.

Hire someone to come into our house to get him dressed every day?
To sit next to him in school and make him put his papers away in the folder?
To enter his brain and make him not lie about handing in work that is late, incomplete and/or missing entirely?
To sit there and force him to use the planner I buy him every single year that he won’t even open?
I hate this.
I hate every single minute of this.

Hire someone just for the academics. For two or three sessions per week in which your son gets organized and does some work under supervision and with support. Read the book, I promise it will help you. Kids like this lie and avoid for reasons, their behavior follows certain patterns that make sense to people who do this as a job, and they are often much happier and much relieved when someone provides intervention and teaches them the skills they need. There are people whose job it is to help the kid work through ten paper bags of random school stuff and figure out how to deal with it. They will know the right things to do and say, and the kid won't push back as much because this person isn't a parent so they don't have the development drive for autonomy as much in that relationship.

Your interventions have failed, it's great that you are acknowledging that, and it's time to level up to an experienced professional. Then you will have more free time too! I understand you are super resentful and burnt out. The lying is hard to take, so is the waste of potential. But you need to wrap your head around the idea that your son has a very real disability and you can't view his "potential" without acknowledging that. He might take five years to graduate and that's okay.

Anonymous wrote:Are you getting the kid any help or just criticizing?

Closet: he has a school uniform. There are brand new shirts in his size lined up in his closet by size and color. A rack for ties (that he instead loses). All his socks are the same. There is a separate dresser in his closet just for athletic clothes organized by athletic socks (top drawer), tops, bottom, and white vs colored. He has a hamper and a separate basket to accept things he has outgrown. Instead he reaches into the laundry to pull out dirty things, won’t accept that things don’t fit (thinks everything is “fine”) and won’t alert me when he needs something (and also refuses to come shopping).

School: he has a math tutor who comes twice a week. I force him to visit his teachers, who he blames for his missing work. There is a resource room at school that I have been begging him to make an appointment with for months. Nothing happens.

He isn’t even trying.

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately sometimes the oldest clothes get ruined by our dryer. It snags on the lint trap and the oldest clothes have the most worn-out weak fibers, so they tear. It's a real bummer! There is no solution.

You need to accept his low executive functioning and minimize un-important stuff. For example, think capsule wardrobe. All pants are blue or gray. All tops go with blue and gray. All socks are white or black. If he likes something, buy duplicates. So he can't screw it up and doesn't have to think about it. Lots of people like capsule wardrobes because it's so much less effort.

Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and hire someone, the parent-child relationship is far too fraught for you to help him successfully.

Hire someone to come into our house to get him dressed every day?
To sit next to him in school and make him put his papers away in the folder?
To enter his brain and make him not lie about handing in work that is late, incomplete and/or missing entirely?
To sit there and force him to use the planner I buy him every single year that he won’t even open?
I hate this.
I hate every single minute of this.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to accept that he has a disability and it sounds like it's executive functioning. Can you afford to hire a a coach?

If you think he would do sleepaway camp, there are 2E camps and you would get a break.

What are these camps?

Unfortunately sometimes the oldest clothes get ruined by our dryer. It snags on the lint trap and the oldest clothes have the most worn-out weak fibers, so they tear. It's a real bummer! There is no solution.

You need to accept his low executive functioning and minimize un-important stuff. For example, think capsule wardrobe. All pants are blue or gray. All tops go with blue and gray. All socks are white or black. If he likes something, buy duplicates. So he can't screw it up and doesn't have to think about it. Lots of people like capsule wardrobes because it's so much less effort.

Read That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week and hire someone, the parent-child relationship is far too fraught for you to help him successfully.

Are you getting the kid any help or just criticizing?

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to accept that he has a disability and it sounds like it's executive functioning. Can you afford to hire a a coach?

If you think he would do sleepaway camp, there are 2E camps and you would get a break.

I agree. He does have a disability. Sometimes, having an outsider help teach things is better for a kid than mom nagging. Also, there are some things you can do to lessen your stress, like Remove from his posession any clothes that are too small, too large, or stained/dirty.

Honestly, you sound really disappointed in who he is and it radiates out of your post. Undoubtedly, he feels it too.

I think you need to accept that he has a disability and it sounds like it's executive functioning. Can you afford to hire a a coach?

If you think he would do sleepaway camp, there are 2E camps and you would get a break.

I quit doing most things. I insist on hygiene and B’s (because those will be enough to get him to college and out of my house). More than a kid at a T20 I want a kid who calls me voluntarily as an adult. Our relationship is too important to risk for grades.

Anonymous wrote:I really wonder whether to bother anymore. I have my life, why should I care how his turns out. He who makes no effort gets no results.

I keep trying because I fear he’ll otherwise become a failure-to-launch living with me indefinitely.

I really wonder whether to bother anymore. I have my life, why should I care how his turns out. He who makes no effort gets no results.

We are living parallel lives. I spend 1-3 hours a night with my 2E teen on his homework after my full-time job plus making dinner and getting a younger kid to bed. Why can't he follow directions on his own? It's not that hard. Just care enough to try.

And it is killing me.
He is so smart but so hopelessly scattered, lazy, unmotivated, procrastinating, clueless, passive, deceitful, self-deluding, all the things.
The older he gets the worse it is.
Everything is late
Everything is lost
Everything is an excuse or someone else’s fault
Everything gets pushback
He completely lacks any internal structure whatsoever, it is like trying to carry water without a container, nothing you set up stays in place
He can’t even wear clothes that fit or are clean and he is 15 with a closet full of nice clothes but every day he is dressed like a clown—too big, too small, dirty, mismatched, untied, all at the same time. He won’t even shower unprompted. Every single day for years the same effing thing with no improvement and no learning.
I am watching all my hope for what I thought he could become drain away.
His grades are all Bs and a couple of A-s in easy classes, mostly because of lateness and disorganization.
And I myself cannot sit there with him every freaking night the same thing—I have my own job to hold onto and am the breadwinner.
I have said all the things a million times and nothing sticks.
I have pleaded, screamed, cried, punished, rewarded, modeled, and am close to giving up.
If I spend my evenings helping him we will both drown.
At this point I am close to letting him sink on his own, it’s a waste of my very limited time and energy trying to help someone who doesn’t want to learn.