Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did this all start? Was she difficult when she was younger (e.g, 4-6)?

It has never been this bad but I think that’s related to the age. She wants to break away but she’s not ready to yet either.

When she was that age, there were signs. Examples… I remember once I decided to surprise her with a mommy/daughter date after school to go out and get ice cream after school and she had a complete over the top melt down, because it was not the routine. And once, when by suggestion of her teacher, I bought her a journal for her to practice writing and reading, and I wrote an encouraging note in the journal, it led to a 3 hour meltdown. She hates hugs, or any affection, and never let anyone hold her hand. And she always pushed people away (literally told them to go away) when she felt like they set limits, asked questions (like are you hungry? Do you want a snack?) or were too controlling- babysitters, grandparents, and other caregivers.

So sorry, OP. If family therapy doesn’t work, I would seriously consider a strict boarding school where they are trained to deal with this, if you can afford it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it seems like something needs to change and family therapy is a good place to start. If she won'tparticipate in that, do therapy for you as parents. . Is there anything that indicates possible ADHD, autism, or OCD? One of these dx could explain the extreme behavior you're seeing. If you know why she's like this, it can help target treatment. And look at the Everyday Parenting Toolkit book by Kazdin for help turning down the conflict in your family.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is so, so hard.

She's received an extensive school evaluation which showed that she did not quite meet the criteria for ASD or ADHD, although she shares many of the traits. I think it might be a personality disorder.

The school eval might not have been the most thorough. When you read about autism in girls, ahdh, or ocd does anything sound like it fits? Can you afford a private pay neuropsych eval or see about getting on wait lists at KKI and Children's (they may take insurance)? If you're the same poster who's husband appears to be on the autism spectrum and spends a lot of time on hobbies, your daughter very likely is autistic. I wouldn't rely on the school eval to definitively rule it out.

We talked about this. We decided not to pursue the private eval at this time due to cost, and DD’s likely refusal to participate, and also because we are essentially addressing most of the actual challenges she faces through her IEP and her therapy.

Anonymous wrote:I think you have already made a whole thread about this.
I would focus on the PRIORITIES that she has to do, and seek parent training on how to manage those priorities. You have to let some of the things go, the demands are feeling too high and no amount of therapy will make it easier.
Have you tried meds?

We just tried the combined session and I thought it was helpful. The therapist could see the dynamics play out in real time. We focused on compromise. And also the therapist was able to “normalize” things we were doing as parents or expectations we had, because in her mind, we are unhinged extreme parents.

We have let many things go already. We are really focusing on the basics, but we can’t even get the basics down. Like eating. And not behaving like a sociopath.

Anonymous wrote:When did this all start? Was she difficult when she was younger (e.g, 4-6)?

It has never been this bad but I think that’s related to the age. She wants to break away but she’s not ready to yet either.

When she was that age, there were signs. Examples… I remember once I decided to surprise her with a mommy/daughter date after school to go out and get ice cream after school and she had a complete over the top melt down, because it was not the routine. And once, when by suggestion of her teacher, I bought her a journal for her to practice writing and reading, and I wrote an encouraging note in the journal, it led to a 3 hour meltdown. She hates hugs, or any affection, and never let anyone hold her hand. And she always pushed people away (literally told them to go away) when she felt like they set limits, asked questions (like are you hungry? Do you want a snack?) or were too controlling- babysitters, grandparents, and other caregivers.

When did this all start? Was she difficult when she was younger (e.g, 4-6)?

I think you have already made a whole thread about this.
I would focus on the PRIORITIES that she has to do, and seek parent training on how to manage those priorities. You have to let some of the things go, the demands are feeling too high and no amount of therapy will make it easier.
Have you tried meds?

Don’t rely on the school evaluation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it seems like something needs to change and family therapy is a good place to start. If she won'tparticipate in that, do therapy for you as parents. . Is there anything that indicates possible ADHD, autism, or OCD? One of these dx could explain the extreme behavior you're seeing. If you know why she's like this, it can help target treatment. And look at the Everyday Parenting Toolkit book by Kazdin for help turning down the conflict in your family.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is so, so hard.

She's received an extensive school evaluation which showed that she did not quite meet the criteria for ASD or ADHD, although she shares many of the traits. I think it might be a personality disorder.

The school eval might not have been the most thorough. When you read about autism in girls, ahdh, or ocd does anything sound like it fits? Can you afford a private pay neuropsych eval or see about getting on wait lists at KKI and Children's (they may take insurance)? If you're the same poster who's husband appears to be on the autism spectrum and spends a lot of time on hobbies, your daughter very likely is autistic. I wouldn't rely on the school eval to definitively rule it out.

Anonymous wrote:Why does she still have her phone?

We tried to take it but she refused to hand it over. Ultimately we decided it wasn’t a hill to die on. There’s just so many other battles

Why does she still have her phone?

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it seems like something needs to change and family therapy is a good place to start. If she won'tparticipate in that, do therapy for you as parents. . Is there anything that indicates possible ADHD, autism, or OCD? One of these dx could explain the extreme behavior you're seeing. If you know why she's like this, it can help target treatment. And look at the Everyday Parenting Toolkit book by Kazdin for help turning down the conflict in your family.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is so, so hard.

She's received an extensive school evaluation which showed that she did not quite meet the criteria for ASD or ADHD, although she shares many of the traits. I think it might be a personality disorder.

She’s allowed to have her phone out during therapy?! I’d take it away.

I think you guys can do therapy /parent training without her, but I don’t like the sound of this therapist.

That sounds so hard.
Where are you in the process with diagnosis? Has she already been diagnosed? If not, I'd start there.
I'm not sure talk therapy is ever going to help an unwilling teen. Years ago, they probably would have suggested one of those outdoor therapy camps, something shocking and physically difficult. But obviously the tide has turned on those today. Something drastic would be nice but I don't know what.

Yes, it seems like something needs to change and family therapy is a good place to start. If she won'tparticipate in that, do therapy for you as parents. . Is there anything that indicates possible ADHD, autism, or OCD? One of these dx could explain the extreme behavior you're seeing. If you know why she's like this, it can help target treatment. And look at the Everyday Parenting Toolkit book by Kazdin for help turning down the conflict in your family.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is so, so hard.

Our 14yo has been receiving therapy for about four months, and she's been pretty stubborn about it, so they haven't made any progress. Most sessions are her sitting for an hour refusing to speak and playing games on her phone.

DH and I talked about turning this into family therapy sessions instead, as we think that would be more productive.

We want to get advice on strategies to use at home for a lot of the issues we are dealing with. Things like making verbal threats to kill us, refusing to let us in her room to clean it, and also refusing to clean her room at all (it becomes a complete disaster within 2-3 days), leaving her things all over the house, refusing to help out with the family (chores like setting up the dinner table or cleaning up after), staying up until midnight, skipping meals, refusing to attend paid-for activities, making us late to everything. And in general making every decision point impossible, and being a terrible role model for her younger siblings.

Is this a good idea?