It's a big deal. If he didn't want to take more than 2 weeks, fine, he explains his reasoning and they make a decision together. But just lying about it? Not okay.

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't automatically make him a bad person, OP, especially if there were office politics that meant he could never, realistically, take that much leave if he wanted to stay in the promotion lane.

But taken in the context of his divorce, it might indicate that he never prioritized his wife's wellbeing, and never challenged societal beliefs about mothers looking after children and fathers sticking to work.

I know plenty of fathers who didn't take their full leave, leaving their wives to fend for themselves with infants. Most of them are not divorced. They were afraid of being laid off or not taken seriously at work.

This is a big steaming pile of horsesh*t. You don’t think working moms are also afraid of “not being taking seriously” due to maternity leave? Of course we are. But we handle it and make the necessary compromises. This guy worked for a Fortune 500 company, not a steel mill where he would be fired for skipping shifts. he chose to abandon his wife and newborn and I’m sure that was not the end of his selfish and deceptive behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I would’ve killed my husband if he stayed home for 12 weeks. I cherished that time alone with my newborn. What on earth did she need him home for 12 weeks for!?

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You clearly never had a baby with severe colic or endured a birth injury. Congrats. Other women aren’t so lucky.

You can validate anything you want to support your friend. How old is the child now? How does this matter within the context of their divorce?

My ex husband had one week of parental leave. He played video games and slept in for most of it, treated it like a vacation. Going back to work and leaving us in peace to bond alone is probably the least awful thing he did to me and my child.

My DH had paternity leave (large law firm) but was worried about getting laid off and worked for a truly awful partner. I had our baby at 9 pm and he was at work the next morning. We had a 2 year old as well. I was so overwhelmed. He didn't even tell his boss he HAD A BABY. Guess what, this was in fall 2008 and he got laid off a month later when the market crashed anyway. He should have taken all the paternity leave.

It's another layer of betrayal, but in and of itself not wanting to take paternity leave seems like just another thing in a marriage. Maybe since they were headed for divorce there were 10 other layers on top of it, like honesty, communication, partnership, etc...?

I wouldn't get too invested.

Why are they divorcing?

I don’t find the paternity leave thing a big deal.

I am curious as to your background, OP, if you think his actions so criminal. Did the post-partum mother or the newborn have special medical needs?

While ideally a father would not be afraid to spend more time at home bonding with his baby and helping his wife... what this man did is not out of the way.

If your friend thinks this was one of the dealbreakers of her marriage, then she must be very delicate indeed. Perhaps the father isn't the monster she's making him out to be. I don't know whether he lied, or is bad at managing leave, and just wants to be left alone to work... but please realize that the faults could be shared here.

Taking care of a newborn is HARD. Many men are not cut out for doing hard things.

I would’ve killed my husband if he stayed home for 12 weeks. I cherished that time alone with my newborn. What on earth did she need him home for 12 weeks for!?

It doesn't automatically make him a bad person, OP, especially if there were office politics that meant he could never, realistically, take that much leave if he wanted to stay in the promotion lane.

But taken in the context of his divorce, it might indicate that he never prioritized his wife's wellbeing, and never challenged societal beliefs about mothers looking after children and fathers sticking to work.

I know plenty of fathers who didn't take their full leave, leaving their wives to fend for themselves with infants. Most of them are not divorced. They were afraid of being laid off or not taken seriously at work.

Not everyone has coverage for their work. Leaving for more than a couple of weeks isn’t always realistic.

Just because you’re allowed to take it doesn’t mean it won’t reflect negatively on you, especially if you’re a male in the workplace. He should not have lied to her, but I can completely understand not wanting to take it.

Of course lying is bad in a marriage.

But not wanting to take full maternity/paternity leave isn’t inherently wrong if it’s fully discussed.

My friend came to me with the saddest mid-divorce reveal I’ve ever heard. When her only child was born, her DH only had 2 weeks of paternity leave. He didn’t take all of it and went back 2 days early. It was really hard on her and sometimes we still look back on those days pretty ruefully. The worst part was he worked for a Fortune 500 company that changed paternity-specific leave to parental leave that year and gave everyone with a new child 12 weeks, paid. He ended up covering leave for half his team while they still had their own tiny baby at home.

As part of some kind of mediation session during divorce, she found out that he actually had 6 weeks leave and just never took it. Which explained why when she asked him to petition to HR to be grandfathered in or get some kind of additional leave when they changed the policy, he said it was impossible.

I’ve never heard anything quite so specific and awful that wasn’t an affair. She’s asking me if she’s crazy. Am I ok in validating that this was a supremely messed up act of deception? Why would a father do that?