Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

Teach him how to do it,
Give him lots of practice,
Take photos of how it should look,
Make him do it every meal until he does it properly.

Fortunately for him it’s super easy to learn. Know is finally the time!

Anonymous wrote:Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?

What does he intend to teach or demonstrate for your (future) kids?
Start there and with a counselor.

It took my very smart, generally capable DH about 5 years to learn this skill. We usually eat dinner at the coffee table, and I don’t care those nights how the table is set so long as someone puts out all the required elements while I cook. But we host 5-10 more formal meals a year, and DH sets up while I cook. In the early days, he would come to the kitchen time after time to ask me which side the napkins go on, where to put the silverware, etc. It was so maddening that I taught our then four year old how to do it and started telling DH to seek assistance from the preschooler. That shamed him into memorizing the set-up.

I find it astonishing that my in-laws didn’t have any of their kids do any chores. This is such a disservice to kids and their future partners.

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking him to set the table, obviously. I swear people on here nag for nagging's sake.

+1
He was raised with no manners, which is sad for him. Make sure your kids learn proper manners, so they don’t turn out like him.

Make the kids set the table. You're hardly leading by example if you don't set the example yourself. Have the kids set it so they learn how and reassign the husband to the dishes, something that actually has to get done.

OP is the Easter Poster.

He doesn’t care and doesn’t think it’s important.

Why does he have to do it your way? Why not stand and eat the meals his way?

Of course he can. He just doesn't want to. Find a chore that he's willing to do to your standards and resign yourself to being the person who sets the table.

Here’s an idea. Buy these from Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Painless-Learning-Place-Setting-Placemat/dp/B000H6F50W

My doctor husband has ADHD/ASD. Setting the table is the least of his issues, OP. Both he and I come from families where etiquette is extremely important. I've learned to compromise. His strengths lie elsewhere.

Just accept that you will need to take the lead on this.

Anonymous wrote:Stop asking him to set the table, obviously. I swear people on here nag for nagging's sake.

This. It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Why are you intentionally setting yourself up to be irritated?

Stop asking him to set the table, obviously. I swear people on here nag for nagging's sake.

Setting the table was a big deal when I was growing up, and it’s always been a priority for me to lead by example so our kids gain this life skill.

DH grew up in a family that ate standing around the kitchen, on the couch, asynchronously etc - they did not have formalized meals. As a result, DH doesn’t know how to set a table. When I ask him to, forks and knives are flung around, napkins haphazardly placed, no drinks etc.

It sounds small but it drives me nuts. I’ve tried to emphasize both that this is important to me and explain how to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care.

He’s a bit absentminded in general, and loving, but not a details person.

How to deal?