Anonymous wrote:I have one friend, she was in a fantastic marriage…unfortunately husband died and 5 years later she is married again and in another fantastic relationship. Meanwhile I see some people can never have one relationship that truly works. What are the key factors that determine this?

Part of it is being mature yourself, and having the maturity to pick the right people. Another part of it is good luck.

Also, you say your friends husband died, and now she’s been with her new husband for five years. Did her first husband die young? Were they not married that long? For the new husband, five years is not that long.

I do think people change over time. Sometimes marriages are great for a while, until all of a sudden they’re not, and it’s because one spouse changes.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

Disagree. Sorry you're this jaded, but a lot of us have excellent marriages. All marriages have their ups and downs, but DH and I have been married almost 15 years and it's pretty close to perfect. My best friend also has a similar marriage.

I think a lot of it is how they were raised. Were they raised with happily married parents who showed them how to maintain a marriage, be friends, work through conflict?

DH and I have a very happy marriage. I think some of it is knowing what the other person wants and doesn't want. Neither of us would do something that would hurt the other person. A lot of marriages die by a million little cuts and it's not always something big. DH and I also are very close and genuinely enjoy each other's company. We make a great team.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

That's a really sad commentary on life. I can't speak for others, but I know I'm in a happy marriage. It's not perfect, because people aren't perfect and life is hard, so yeah, we get annoyed with each other sometimes, but we've been married for 15 years, together for longer than that, we have two middle school kids, we both work full-time, and we've been through the death of three parents, job changes, moves, death of pets, etc. You can believe me or not but our marriage is good. I have one other friend couple of whom I would confidently say the same, probably two. But they're my two best friends of many decades and we know a lot about each other's lives.

Anonymous wrote:Grace, honesty, humor, attraction/chemistry, and LOVE.

Above all: wanting it to work. Being committed to your parter and the relationship as its own entity. I know we live in a thoroughly secular world, but I believe establishing a strong spiritual foundation is key, as well.

Our culture values and rewards self-reverence over all. You need to reprogram your mind to make it more about the “us” than the “me.”

I do think this is important. It's the same of friendships. Of course, both people have to want to make it work, but when you do, you can make it happen. When you're the only one who cares, it's lonely.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A sense of humor. Empathy. The ability to say you're sorry.

Also, don't doubt that your friend is just good at picking the right people for her. My best friend is in a happy marriage but I'd never want to be married to her husband.

The people I know in (outwardly at least) happy marriages really appreciate each other’s strengths. I think there was even research that showed that when couples are like that, both partners make the effort to be better people and it’s a positive feedback loop.

But often when I meet men in those marriages I realize I wouldn’t be the one who appreciates him. 😂🤣😂

Weirdly, on the rare occasion I meet a guy who is very attractive and kind, their wives often seem kind of over them.

I'm the PP and I think this is probably true. My husband and I are aware of each other strengths and weaknesses and we do appreciate the strengths and work to balance out the weaknesses. But yeah, not everyone is a match. I can appreciate that I can be a lot and my husband is a very good complement to my personality, and vice versa.

As for those other men, I have a lot of male friends, but everyone is more annoying when you have to spend a lot of time with them. So while I can appreciate those men as friends, I'm sure they could be a lot to be married to.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

Actually in this case I really do, don’t wanna describe the details too much because it’s a bit of a unique situation that could reveal identity but I have lived with them for extended periods of time in each relationship. It really does work, I’ve seen how they handle disagreements, kid misbehavior, health issues, money. In both cases it’s a very harmonious and mature thing.

Grace, honesty, humor, attraction/chemistry, and LOVE.

Above all: wanting it to work. Being committed to your parter and the relationship as its own entity. I know we live in a thoroughly secular world, but I believe establishing a strong spiritual foundation is key, as well.

Our culture values and rewards self-reverence over all. You need to reprogram your mind to make it more about the “us” than the “me.”

My guess would be both partners being raised in homes where they both had exemplary models for a healthy relationship. Basically, 1 in a million kind of luck.

OP, you don’t really know what’s going on in people’s relationships. I can’t think of a single relationship where once I see a little under the surface, it’s what I would describe as good. Many start off this way, but I think raising kids in this society invariably destroys hetero marriage.

A level of emotional maturity where each partner is able to both listen to and respect the other, and also speak the truth.

Anonymous wrote:A sense of humor. Empathy. The ability to say you're sorry.

Also, don't doubt that your friend is just good at picking the right people for her. My best friend is in a happy marriage but I'd never want to be married to her husband.

The people I know in (outwardly at least) happy marriages really appreciate each other’s strengths. I think there was even research that showed that when couples are like that, both partners make the effort to be better people and it’s a positive feedback loop.

But often when I meet men in those marriages I realize I wouldn’t be the one who appreciates him. 😂🤣😂

Weirdly, on the rare occasion I meet a guy who is very attractive and kind, their wives often seem kind of over them.

A sense of humor. Empathy. The ability to say you're sorry.

Also, don't doubt that your friend is just good at picking the right people for her. My best friend is in a happy marriage but I'd never want to be married to her husband.

Open-mindedness, kindness, flexibility

I have one friend, she was in a fantastic marriage…unfortunately husband died and 5 years later she is married again and in another fantastic relationship. Meanwhile I see some people can never have one relationship that truly works. What are the key factors that determine this?